Secrets of the Mind Reader
by Corinne Tate
Summary: Some pairings are just wrong.  But sometimes wrong can feel so right when you don't know what your future holds.  Give it a try and see if you don't agree.
1. Chapter 1 Unrequited Adoration

The Secrets of the Mind Reader

Chapter 1

Unrequited Adoration

I understood why Carlisle did it. She was young and beautiful and barely clinging to life, even though she should have had decades of humanity ahead of her. I've often wondered what I would have said if he had asked me what I thought. Would I have agreed? Or would I have let her die? Fortunately he wasn't in the habit of asking anyone for advice – not even his own lovely wife Esme. Of course he was often a chauvinist where she was concerned – we both would have been had I had a mate. It was how a real man should treat his wife at that time in history.

But he didn't ask _me, _and his decision was to affect me most profoundly.

Of course I knew how we came into being, but Carlisle didn't understand how much it cost me to be there during the metamorphosis. I just couldn't share that with him, or he would know one of my most closely guarded secrets. He had stayed with me through my own conversion, and we both remembered the pain. It was a memory that didn't dull with time for any of us, because it straddled the divide between human frailty and the perfect recall of the supernatural. It was our last connection with the pain of humanity.

Our death.

I'd been there to take my turns holding and comforting Esme as she screamed during the change. There's just something about a woman's particular scream that tears at me, and that's before you add in the fact of my sometimes cursed ability. It's not enough that I heard her screams with my ears, but I also experienced her agony as her tortured mind fought to cope with the unimaginable torment of the burning. For days, Esme had fought her way through the fires of Hell itself; believing that she had been damned for taking her own life. It made my own conversion seem like a pale shadow in comparison.

It made me love her almost immediately.

It was easy to see her as a mate for myself, since I'd been inside her mind at the most vulnerable point in her existence. I'd read her thoughts when there were no barriers or censors to to alert me to what she would never tell, and what she would have agreed to share. I knew her intimately without ever touching her body. She was beautiful where eyes could never see. She was such a tragically fragile soul. She was deep and compassionate, with unfulfilled longings for love and family. They were the very same longings I'd had myself since I realized they would likely be out of my reach for eternity.

I'd learned almost from the moment I discovered my talent for reading minds that it was something I should be careful of sharing. Carlisle learned of the ability even before I did. I'd thought he was speaking to me when it was really his thoughts I was hearing. I answered him as if he spoke the questions; mere hours after I realized what I'd become. The things I'd plucked from his mind and blurted out, shocked the both of us. I quickly learned to listen to the unspoken '_don't go there, please'_ inside his head. I couldn't stop myself from hearing the thoughts, but I learned to keep them to myself. I learned to school my reaction so he didn't know I'd heard. I told him sometimes the mind whispered, and I didn't always hear.

I lied.

I knew from the moment she emerged from the fires of her personal hell, that he wanted her. I heard his thoughts of loving adoration even before he wanted to admit that he was smitten with her. Worse, I knew the thoughts that had gone through his mind even before he bit her. Forbidden thoughts I would never allow him to know I'd read. I knew he savored the taste of her blood, and I knew that his fine doctor's hands had touched her broken human body in a moment of weakness, as a man would touch a woman. It was perhaps the shame he felt at that forbidden touch – a touch she neither felt nor remembered – which made him long to restore the honor he felt he'd stolen.

No matter how I rationalized it, I knew without a doubt that he had created the beautiful Esme for himself. Even if he were not so much older than I was, and even if he had not been the one responsible for my conversion; I respected him as a man. I loved him like a father, brother, and friend. And I knew that even though I loved her too, I could never stand in his way.

Still it was painful to watch him court her in his way, which was old-fashioned and proper. To see him falling deeper in love with her was only what I expected, from the first peek I'd had of his yearnings. I stepped back from her; allowing him to teach her about our lifestyle and how to fulfill the terrible hungers that pulled at us constantly.

If I thought his thoughts were painful, hers broke my heart. I could keep my distance, but I couldn't shut out her mind. She was sharp, and much more intelligent than he understood. To him she was quiet and demure, but I heard the riot of questions, deductions, ideas, and every fanciful whim that passed through her beautiful mind. She thought like a poet – an artist really – and I saw so many things anew through her wondering eyes. The taste of the blood which sustains us, experienced through her mind was a whole new pleasure. I felt like she was teaching me, and showing me another part of life, even though she had no idea I was along for the tour.

Her amazement at her physical strength was wrapped up in the wonder of her perfected body. Through her mind I saw and felt her body, even though I did try to distract myself from the knowledge. Surprisingly she was not impressed with her beauty, even though she was stunning. She had rich auburn hair, and soft womanly curves that needed no constrictions or embellishments. She had a quiet grace in her manner, and a ready smile to her full lips.

Instead she lamented that her perfect strength had come too late to save her child. And yes, any time her mind ventured to the child she'd lost, I knew true agony. It ripped through her – through me – with a fierce viciousness that made it impossible for me to witness it passively. The last time, I'd rushed to hold and comfort her, just as I had during her transformation. She'd clung to me in her grief, and left Carlisle questioning when he'd found us in our embrace.

She abandoned me to cling to him, and pour out her heartbreak and wail over her lost tears, and strangely, her lost stretch marks. He understood I'd read her mind, and he was glad I'd comforted her, when he could have felt jealousy. I walked away to give them privacy. The only way I could tune out their thoughts was with distance, or with more minds. The cacophony of a crowd of minds was enough to give me some peace. I sought out both distance and a crowd, losing myself in the stands of a baseball game, where I didn't fit the mood of their celebration. I'd lost any chance that she could ever be mine.

She loved him.

I never said anything, but I left them often so I wouldn't be subjected to their loving, and sometimes lustful thoughts concerning one another. Carlisle was determined to proceed as he would if he were human. He wanted to marry her in a church, even though any legal documents we had were fake. The time it took to plan their wedding gave me time to get used to the idea of them as a couple. But I didn't think I would ever get used to the idea that I would forever be alone. How could I love another when I already loved her?

They married. I tried to be happy for them both. I said all the right things, but more importantly, I kept all the right things to myself. Still, I think he may have known on some deep level. How could a man not know when another man covets his wife? He took her away for their honeymoon. They were gone well over a month – touring Europe so he could show her where he'd been on his travels.

It was the first time I slipped.

I was totally alone, and found I did not like being alone. I missed them both terribly. The only thing worse than their unwelcome thoughts was the total absence of their thoughts. I started to go out where people meet and gather. Parks, museums, stores, churches, and schools. I needed the sounds. Unfortunately, we don't sleep, and as the places closed, the people went home.

I found the places where people went at night; bars, theaters, and dance halls. I haunted them, night after night losing myself in the chaos of their minds. I was amidst their revelry, their drunken good times, their escape from their day to day grind, but I was not one of them. Even in a crowd I was particularly alone.

I practiced with my gift; selecting minds to read, and choosing to block all others. It was like standing in a beehive and trying to listen to the buzz of one single bee. I learned of all the adult passions and pleasures that had been denied to my seventeen year-old self in life. Even if I wasn't prohibited by my age, my parents would never have allowed me to go to such places where there was drinking, smoking, gambling, lewd dancing, and temporary couplings for the purpose of having sex. It was an education. Whether seen right before my eyes, or read from different minds, I learned things I wished I didn't know. So much of which would be forever unattainable to me.

Compared with the purity of my love for Esme, what I experienced through the minds of those I read, was audaciously lascivious. I knew there were those who bought and sold the right to have carnal knowledge of one another, and I encountered those who were on both sides of that arrangement. There were prostitutes who lifted their skirts and spread their legs with casual detachment. There were men who paid for the right to do as they pleased with those women. Then there were those who benefited from even more licentious trades.

I'd encountered those selling opiates, and those offering up other black-market treasures. But then I ran across someone skulking in the less reputable establishments, and what I read from his mind made my blood run colder than normal. He was looking for someone – the right someone – who was interested in taking his ease with an underage, and unwilling girl who was barely in her teens. I followed him.

The things I learned sickened me. I learned where she was being kept, and I learned that this was not the first time the man had kidnapped and used a child in such a way. I followed him from place to place, making contact with those who were in charge of the prostitutes. I was waiting for him to give me the right opportunity, but what he gave me was so much better.

He gave me his buyer.

Money changed hands, and the parasite informed his customer where to find the girl. I followed the man, reading his thoughts; repulsed by his anticipation of her screams and her bleeding. As he moved through the dark alleys, I determined that there would indeed be screaming and bleeding that night – just not hers.

I let him know he was being followed. He was afraid of being robbed, but in the darkness there wasn't much he could do but hurry. I laughed, and the sound echoed to his ears.

"Who's there!" I could hear his panic as he whirled to look behind him. He produced a knife, and I heard his thoughts on how he wanted to use it in unclothing the girl. It was the final nail in his coffin. I casually walked up to him, almost unseen until we were close enough I could smell the garlic he'd eating at dinner. He swung the knife and I easily dodged. I confess, I toyed with him, letting his fear overwhelm him until his heart was racing.

I knew I was going to kill him. I just didn't know how profoundly it would affect me. From such a vile man came the sweetest thing I'd ever tasted. From the moment my teeth sank into his flesh I was lost in him – glorying in his life passing over my eager tongue. I drank greedily, and I realized too late I'd accidentally snapped his neck in my excitement. I held him tight; a wicked lover's embrace that he would never escape. I felt his heart slow, then stop beating, and I drained him of every last drop. I took his wallet and hid his body.

I felt almost drunk. His blood felt alive in me, and for a while I forgot about the girl, who was the reason I'd killed, or so I'd told myself. I knew from the first man's thoughts that she was locked up in the cellar of a nearby saloon. I went there as soon as I felt in control of myself. I easily opened the locked door, and I could hear her thoughts, her terror, and her heartbeat – and the last was stronger than I ever recalled hearing it! She smelled divine; fresh and vibrant, like a main course after the soup appetizer.

She was hidden away in a tiny, cold, room, huddled on a dirty old mattress. Her hands and feet were bound, and something was wadded up and tied in her mouth, and she was blindfolded. She wore a cotton nightgown that was wet and dirty, and her hair was in her face, clinging to tears and mucus. She was young – very young – with not even the hint of approaching puberty. If I had to guess, I'd say she was ten or eleven.

Even in her piteous state, I wanted her. I tasted the venom pooling like drool in my mouth, and I fought not to tear into her. I could tell she knew someone was with her in the way she drew her knees up to her chest, as if trying to become small enough to disappear. I held very still, trying to block the scent of her pulsing blood. Little by little I became used to her allure, and I was able to snap the ropes that held her bound. When she removed the blindfold and looked at me, she was at first happy I wasn't the kidnapper returned. Then she saw the blood on my clothes, and glimpsed my red eyes. Just before she fled in panic, I heard her thoughts so clearly they sliced through me.

'_Monster!'_

I wanted to chase her, catch her, and drink her – desperately. The impulse was strong, like a cat must feel when faced with an injured mouse – it was instinctual. But I forced myself to stay where I was, even as I listened to her retreat into the night. Just like the story of the three billy goats, I let her pass, knowing one bigger and stronger would come along. It didn't escape me that I had cast myself as the troll under the bridge.

I waited several hours. It was dawn when I sensed him, and I waited just inside the door for my next victim. I showed him the same mercy he'd shown the girl. None. Again the flood of rich, abundant, sweet, human blood filled me. I felt gluttonous, and yet I hungered for every drop.

I had been more careful, and he remained alive long enough to know fear, then panic, then hopelessness as he died. The thoughts that washed through my mind made me know I was doing what was right, until his movements were feeble and fading. It was then I saw his own childhood victimization and abuse which had made him what he was. I left his body there and fled.

Back in our home, I washed up and threw away the clothes. In the mirror I saw the red of my eyes, and knew I wouldn't be able to hide among them. I needed to stay away from the people and the minds that made it so much easier to cope with being alone. When the hunger drove me, I returned to my animal diet, feeling very unsatisfied now that I'd tasted perfection. But it kept me alive. It kept me from becoming a monster again.

The weeks passed and I remained alone. I longed for my companions, imagining them on luxury liners crossing the ocean, in carriages and automobiles crossing the continent, and always together. I envied them almost as much as I missed them. They would always have each other, and never again know this aching, all-consuming loneliness which plagued me night and day.

Time was my enemy, leaving me too much leisure to imagine their intimate moments. I tried not to dwell on such thoughts to the point that they were _all_ I could think about. From my immersion in the human psyche, I knew what manner of physical intimacies they were likely enjoying. Truly jealousy is a monster, whether it's eyes are green or golden – and I have had both. I burned with it, as my prurient thoughts considered all he could be doing with the woman I loved.

I knew her so well. I knew her dreams, her fears, her secrets, and her passions. How could I have allowed him to take her away from me? I was an idiot! Instead of feeling so bereft, I could be enjoying her physical delights. It could have been me she turned to with loving eyes. I could have been finding pleasure in her bed, in her arms, and – dare I even think it – inside her womanhood.

I found my salvation as I rattled around in the large house where we lived. It was pushed aside and all but hidden in a room that accommodated so many of his collections. The clanging of the piano keys was barely enough to keep me from dwelling on my unwelcome imaginings.

I discovered the instrument and spent hour after hour striking the keys discordantly, teaching myself how to coax something pleasant from the dusty upright that lay hidden away beneath stacks of books and medical journals. For each time I longed to be touching her pale skin, I instead touched the ivory of the keys. For each time the loneliness closed in, I chased it away with the sound of my playing. For every time my soul cried out in bitter longing for love, I played the notes that offered me surcease.

I fought to let it go. I couldn't have her. I couldn't love her. No... I couldn't love her as a man to a woman, but maybe... maybe... as a friend... or a relative? Perhaps I could I think of her as a cherished sister? I already thought of Carlisle as a father, could I even go far enough and think of her – love her – as a mother? In her human years, she was nine years older, but among our kind we were truly ageless.

I allowed myself to think of her. I recalled her broken body wracked with pain, and imagined her giving birth instead of seeking death. I reconciled the image of her supernaturally perfect body, with the human woman who had borne a child. Esme as a mother... yes... maybe I could think of her like that... with time.

With my supernatural memory and hearing I mastered the piano in short order, and I began to compose a piece of music in her honor. Every nuance of her beauty, from her chestnut hair to her playful smile, was written into the first movement of the piece. Her life, her selflessness, her artistic personality went into the second suite The hope and love she had for her child, as well as the pain of her loss took up the third movement. And in the fourth, I poured out all the longing and love I felt for her, and hid it in the ending chords. When it was finished, it was uniquely hers.

When they returned I was overjoyed to see them both. He looked happier than I'd ever seen him, and she was radiant. They came bearing stories and gifts, and I eagerly listened as they told of Europe going through it's post war reconstruction. For the first two days we lived in an idyllic bubble. I retreated to the piano when they became amorous, and drowned out the sounds of their lovemaking with the loud instrument.

It was on the third day when Carlisle was studying in his den, I played the piece I'd written for her. She listened raptly as I played, and I could just see her face from the corner of my eye as my fingers caressed the keys. I didn't tell her what each movement was about, only that I'd written it in her honor. It was during the last movement that Carlisle came to stand beside his wife. I almost stopped playing, but continued to the end. Esme was delighted.

Carlisle's thoughts were a confusing riot, and as our eyes met, I knew he suspected my feelings for his wife. He took her from the room and they disappeared to the privacy of their own. I continued to play, even though the piano couldn't cover the sounds of their vigorous coupling. I was intended to hear. His message was transparent in it's clarity.

She's mine!

We became distant with each other; two men living together with one woman between us. As I struggled to restrain my feelings for her, he worked to establish boundaries. He seemed to elevate her to a status equal to his since she was his partner and mate. He began to consult with her on small decisions, while leaving me out. Of course he could hide nothing from me. His intention was to diminish my standing and make me their subordinate.

It was a painful time for me. I missed the easy way we'd been together before she arrived. Not only could I not have her, but I felt I'd lost him as well. They were a couple and I was the odd man out. It was then I made the decision to go to college. I needed distraction and something to do with my time. I went to classes during the day and in the evenings I played piano in a dance hall to pay for the schooling. Money wasn't an object, but I felt I should contribute.

There were women who were interested in me, of course. But there were none who interested me. The college girls were most interested in snagging a husband, and the dance hall women were jaded and worldly creatures, intent in good times and fun.

Our family dynamic began to take shape during these months. Carlisle was clearly the head of our coven/family. In a very short time Esme came to look at me as a child – an errant child who was a bit on the wild side. It was her idea of me that went a long way toward redirecting my feelings toward her. She had a nurturing spirit that longed to care for those around her, and it brought her joy to do motherly things for me. She even cleaned my room! Two bachelors had little use for clean and order, but Esme wanted spotless clean, and orderly organization.

It was how she found the wallet. It was evident I'd been relegated to the role of a child when she took her find to Carlisle and not me. The ensuing confrontation was... horrible. I didn't lie, but told the whole story of what I'd uncovered, and what I'd done about it. I'd never seen the man angry. And seeing his fury over what I'd done was shocking. He never raised his voice, but his eyes shone with gold spikes and his mouth set in a hard line. He was tension personified.

Anyone would know he was angry even in his silence. But I could read his mind, and I knew the extent of his rage. At it's root were his feelings of responsibility as my creator. He felt betrayed. He felt there was blood on _his _hands. The look in his eyes tore at my soul, and I struggled to find the right words to form an apology. I knew there was no way to justify what I'd done to him – and I couldn't even try. It was in the moment of his deepest anger and heartbreak that I heard the idea form. He couldn't allow a murderer to exist in his proximity. I saw the flame of his wrath in the destructive path his mind followed.

He would put an end to me.

I staggered with the very weight of his conviction. "No! Father please..." I was no longer his equal, I was his child – his creation. With my eyes I begged for his mercy, and I saw... resignation and loss. He was prepared to sacrifice me on the altar of decency, and put an end to what he saw as evil. I saw the ancient vampire hunter emerge. He was quick and deadly, and he came for me. I thought to flee, knowing I could never hope to fight him.

It was then she intervened. She placed her body between us and halted his murderous charge. She stood up to him, and she was fierce, breathtaking, and beautiful! I was her child, and she protected me.

"No! You can't do this, Carlisle!" Her voice was commanding, and her eyes flashed fire. "It was a mistake... a lapse in judgment. You can't possibly destroy him over that! Look at him, he's practically a child himself – he needs to learn. Maybe we can't all be as perfect as you all the time. Would you kill me too? You lay your hands on him, you may as well finish me next." It was like she took the fight right out of him. He fell back, hurt, bewildered and completely lost. It was hard to see him like that.

She went to him and wrapped herself around him, trying to comfort him. I heard the words she whispered to him. "I love you so much. But your religious judgments are so removed from who you are inside. You're so compassionate, kind, loving, forgiving, and _good. _ I hate to see you fall into this trap of self-righteousness. It's time to let go of it, and stop trying to be your father! _He _would have killed _you_ my love. Your heart may not beat, but it's bigger and stronger than that. If you follow through with this, you are not the man I know and love."

I was still ready to go, but she was getting through to him. "Did you even hear what he prevented? They kidnapped that child, and they would have raped her, and probably murdered her as well. Do you have any idea how brutal human men can be? I do, and let me tell you, this world is better off without those two. Those kind of men poison all they touch. Their children despise them, and their wives live in fear. I'm glad he did it." Her impassioned declaration startled him. She clearly didn't share his 'eye for an eye' beliefs.

I was thinking that perhaps he would be angry with her, and we could leave together. Aside from the momentary thrill of knowing I wouldn't be alone, the thought didn't bring me comfort. She was his wife. Somehow that meant more to me than knowing she loved him and belonged to him. It was a sacred connection.

"Don't look at me like you can't see the difference between the evil those men were doing, and what Edward did. Would you really trade his life for theirs? He's your friend. He's like a son or a brother to you. He's so much like you, I love him like a son, and you would kill him? I couldn't have been so wrong about you. I won't stand in your way if you decide you must end his life. But I won't stay with you – I could never look at you the same way." She kissed him and stepped away.

Both of us followed her with our eyes. I was in awe of her. She'd given him the most gentle ultimatum – her or his religion. He knew what she was asking, and it wasn't simply to let me live. She wanted his body _and soul_ – the soul he'd kept pure and innocent, and bound for heaven. She wanted him to be what he was – a vampire. It was so deeply personal and touching, I felt like a voyeur. She won him that day, and he never looked back.

He let me live. But more than that, he stopped being a man possessed by evil, and instead became a vampire possessed by good. He was a vampire. We were a family. And he could never take my life, because we were the same. Not that it changed his feelings on taking life; he was still adamant about only hunting animals. But he would no longer judge, and he would no longer hold up his Christian faith as the defining standard for how he should behave. It was a major turning point for the three of us.

And that brings me back to the reason he did what he did without asking me. He'd come to terms with the idea that we were more than just a coven of vampires, we were a family. Esme had protected me like a mother protects her child, and Carlisle had recognized even before I did that he wasn't the only one changed by our confrontation.

She took the role of mother seriously, and began taking care of me as if I were seven instead of well past my changed age of seventeen. She cleaned up after me, she recommended I practice the piano, or read certain books, and she even wanted to comb my hair for me. From her thoughts I recognized that she was transferring some of her mothering of her lost child onto me. I tried to be patient with her, and let her organize my room, choose my clothes, and even occasionally comb my hair. But Carlisle recognized there was a problem. She was getting worse.

Carlisle discussed with me that he thought it would be a good idea for me to assert my independence. The more I indulged her need to mother me, the deeper she went into her role-playing. It was difficult to hear her thoughts that I didn't need her because I cleaned my own room. She felt rejected when I picked out my own clothes, and when I insisted that I liked my hair messy, she would have cried if she had the tears.

It was painful for me to see her suffer. She thought of me as her child, but I still hadn't quite shifted to thinking of her as my mother. I would catch myself daydreaming about the sun shining through her hair, or the graceful way she moved. Carlisle of course worried about both of us. Our attachments weren't healthy or normal. And so he made a change.

**A/N: This little idea grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. I thought it would be a little bitty one shot, but then I had six pages before I'd even scratched the surface. This story almost wrote itself, and it's probably my favorite of my writings. **

**Since Edward can read minds, I imagined he would have to keep secrets, and learn to lie to protect them. I imagine there could be many things he'd never tell. **


	2. Chapter 2 Wild Rose

Chapter 2

Wild Rose

When he brought her home, at first I thought she was a cadaver he would use for some kind of medical experiment. But when he pulled the sheet away I was stunned. I'd not seen so much damage done to a living human since he'd brought Esme home. She was a mess, and so close to death her wounds were barely weeping and her heart rate was nearly impossible to detect. The only thing I could really tell was that she had blond hair; cascades of it. She had blue eyes, even though she would clearly lose the one if she managed to live. The smell of her injuries made me hunger for her, and it was only his watchful gaze that kept me from biting into her bruised neck and drinking what was left of her blood.

"Do you feel strong enough to do it?" His question caught me off guard. Did he mean for me to kill her? What he meant was almost the opposite – he wanted me to change her!

"No, I can't do that. I'll kill her if I taste her blood."

"Are you sure? She hasn't got much time, and I really think you're strong enough." He wanted me to do it. I was so overwhelmed with my own thoughts, I didn't examine his closely. I got that he wanted me to feel connected to her. I left the room. I heard his blissful thoughts when he tasted her blood. I almost went back to feed, his thoughts were so compelling. But his restraint has always been so strong. He resisted finishing her.

He followed me and sent me back into the room. "You stay with her while she changes." And then I realized what his plan was about. He wanted her to be a mate for me! If I had a mate, I wouldn't be drawn to his wife, and she wouldn't be able to sink further into her psychosis that I was a child. He'd already taken the first step to achieving his goal, and it was the dim hope of having a love of my own that made me obey him.

I went back in and sat beside the table as she began her death throes. He'd placed her on a marble topped bakers table, which was the best place she could be, considering the way she was likely to thrash about when the pain really began to take her. I took her hand, noting that her fingernails were all broken off, and several of the fragile bones were broken. It was then her one good eye turned toward me and she stared at me with open hatred. Her thoughts jolted me with their powerful animosity. How dare I touch her, and where is the one who bit her? She had no idea what was happening, in fact she thought we were continuing the attack which had battered her body beyond repair.

When her memories began to flash in my head, I actually cried out at the horror and pain she'd gone through. I felt her betrayal, and saw the way her young, virginal body was violated – again and again. She was used, mocked, beaten, kicked, tortured, and then thrown away like garbage. And when my mind finally sorted my thoughts from hers, I found myself clinging to her, trying in vain to protect her from what had already been done.

Her hands, frail and weak, pressed against my chest, trying to push me away. She loathed my touch, and feared my nearness. I was one of the enemy. I was one of those who possessed a phallus; whose sole design and purpose was to rend and use her body for our own lusts.

I pulled away from her, and tried to soothe her with my words. Like my mother had comforted me when I was ill, I tried to console her, telling her it would be alright and she would make it through her pain and suffering. Her split lips turned up in a sneer and she cursed me. Then she screamed. Her womanly shrieking tore through me, and the hand that had pushed me away now clawed at my arm in her agony.

"Please, just let me die!" she begged. "Kill me... please," she whimpered. I witnessed her painful and slow transformation for two days. There were times when she was out of her mind with the pain, and other times she lay exhausted from her writhing and wailing. Her body had already begun to repair itself, and her red eyes held mine during the times of relative peace. She didn't know I could read her mind, and her vitriolic thoughts of the retribution she wanted to take from me would have shocked anyone who didn't know what she'd been through herself. It wasn't that she hated me specifically, I was just a representative for the male gender.

In the days she suffered, Carlisle and Esme never came into the room. I knew what he wanted and that he had to hold Esme back since she wanted to come and comfort the girl. He hoped we would form a bond, and that she would learn to trust me. He didn't realize how broken she was, and the bond she formed with me was one of animosity and mistrust.

But inevitably she transformed. Even though I watched it happen, it amazed me how totally different she looked. Even her hair held a new luster, and from that crowning glory to the tips of her toes, she was perfection. I had believed Esme to be the most lovely creature on the planet, but the girl outshone her. I imagined with blue eyes instead of red, she would have seemed an angel in all her glory. When she sat up on the table, the sheet slipped and her nudity was revealed. Her body was a work of art, and I struggled to keep my eyes on her face in all it's breathtaking wonder.

She didn't bother to cover herself, but instead she looked at her body in amazement. She ran her hands over her flesh, and that's when I saw her smile. Her busted mouth and broken jaw were healed, and that smile was a wonder to behold. I had a sudden and strong urge to kiss her, just because I knew her lips would be heavenly. But I kept still. I admit I imagined having her as a mate; she was the most exquisite creature I'd ever seen. The thought of being intimate with such perfection made me gasp.

"Where am I?" Her voice was as lovely as her body and face. "Have I gone to Heaven?" She looked around suddenly, seeing the room as if for the first time. Confusion marred her porcelain face, and she looked at me. "Who are you? What's happened to me?" Carlisle had comforted Esme and explained the change to her, but he was absent, and I could tell she thought I had something to do with her situation.

"My name is Edward, what's yours?" It was the wrong thing to say. She was suddenly faced with the realization that she wasn't in Heaven – in Heaven the angels would know her name. I almost smiled at her belief that I was a beautiful angel.

Her thoughts were too chaotic to follow, and I heard bits and pieces at random: 'Edward? What kind of name is that for an angel? Maybe I'm in Purgatory? Maybe I'm dreaming? Why does he want to know my name? My name is... Rose... Rosalie... oh my god I don't remember who I am! What is this? Why am I naked? Somebody help me! Mother! Father! Oh god, he hurt me so bad... they did things... terrible... terrible... I thought he loved me... it's not fair... I didn't deserve... why?

Her thoughts were splintered, but the images that flashed through her mind were crystal clear, and horrifying. What was done to her was worse than what the men I'd killed had planned to do to the girl I'd rescued. The images flooded my head, and I saw the faces of true evil. Everything they did to her was locked inside that beautiful head, and the damage was more than physical. They'd destroyed her. She was bathed in hatred, like a cleansing acid. She'd been humiliated, and she'd suffered broken trust. She was anchored tight in the events of her destruction. Everything else she was paled in the light of what they did to her. Her mind was so different from Esme's, and I didn't know how to comfort her. Esme had wanted to be loved, but Rose or Rosalie didn't even want to be touched.

'He laughed... my dress... they tore it... they wouldn't stop... they held me down... they forced me... I cried... I begged... It hurt... it burned like fire... I hate them... I hate them all! I'll never trust anyone again... why is he looking at me... he wants to hurt me too... I want to go home.'

Quick as a thought she snatched the sheet around her and tried to leave. I stood between her and the door. I reached for her, and again it was the wrong thing to do. She screamed. The supernatural sound pierced the air and it startled her. She stood staring at me with wide eyes. She wondered what she had become. She turned toward the window, and had the heavy drapes pulled aside before I caught her and pulled her back from her escape.

With my arm around her waist, she stiffened in terror. The image of what a man had done to her from a similar position tore through us both, and I released her. She threw open the window, and I was afraid she'd make good her escape. Then she froze.

It was the sunlight on her skin that made her stop. She held her arms out as the rays washed over her and set her to glittering like a jewel. She stared in shock as she realized she'd changed. Her wide eyes sought mine with a thousand questions. She reached for me, clutching my shirt she pulled me into the light as well. Then she stared at my glistening face.

I heard her question clearly in my mind; 'what are we?'

"Vampires," I answered as gently as I could. Her look of disbelief was in complete contrast to the way her mind instantly accepted it. She processed the knowledge as just one more horrendous violation that had been done to her against her will.

She backed away from the window and folded herself into a nearby chair. Her head dropped into her hands, and I knew she would be crying if she had the tears. Instead she moaned and gasped, and groaned a sound of such despair I held my hands over my ears to try to block it out. But it was not just a physical keening but a mental torment as well.

I left her there in her sorrow, knowing I couldn't comfort her – couldn't even touch her. I sought out clothes for her to put on, and Esme eagerly provided what she would need from her own closet. I took the clothes back to her room and she hadn't moved. I laid them out and prepared to leave so she could dress.

"I can't wear these things – I mean I won't!" She regarded the dress and all the undergarments with distaste. She stood and looked me up and down. "Bring me something of yours... pants and a belt... I don't want to be a girl!" The way she gave orders irritated me, but it was better than her sorrow, so I went. When I returned I forgot to knock. She wore panties, and she had cut the bustier from the corset. She was trying to lace it tight over her breasts, flattening them. She didn't seem to care that I saw her.

"Help me with this," she commanded, as if I were her attendant. "Pull these strings tight and tie them!" Her mind was focused on minimizing her femininity. It was the safest thing she could think about, and I helped her as she wanted. She pulled my shirt on over the bindings and then my pants. She tucked the shirt into the high waist and then threaded the belt through and fastened it on the last hole. She had to roll the pant cuffs a bit, but she was tall and had long legs. She prowled the room until she found what she was looking for – scissors. Before I could say a thing, she grabbed a handful of her luxurious blond tresses and sawed at them viciously with the scissors.

She couldn't cut through it. The dulled edge of the scissors was a painful reminder of what she'd become, and her mind teetered and tilted before righting itself. She darted for the door, and I was forced to chase her as she raced through the house. In the entry she found what she needed, and shoved her hair up under a hat she planted on her head. Then she looked at me, wondering if she looked like a boy.

"You look like a boy," I said dutifully. No one would ever mistake her lovely features for masculine, but she needed to hear it. I smiled timidly. "Would you like to be my new brother?" For once I said the right thing and she smiled. She was still beautiful, even in her pitiful disguise, and her smile made me dream of holding her.

"I'm thirsty Edward." It was her first mention of the compelling need, and I was startled at how long it had taken her to feel it. "Do we drink human blood?" Her voice quivered at the question, and I could tell she was terrified of my answer.

"No... never." I lied. "We feed on animals. We need to hunt..._ brother._ I'll show you how." I took her hand, and she let me guide her out the door into the midday sun. We lived outside of town, and far enough away from any neighbors that the only evidence of humanity was in the planted fields on the sides of the dirt road. Hand in hand we raced through the fields and tore through the surrounding woods. It took everything I had to keep up with her.

She sensed the herd of deer before I did, and turned to intercept them. I didn't have to show her what to do since she was a supreme hunter. She had no reluctance when it came to feeding on the large buck she took down. I read the thought that she'd chosen it not for it's size, but because it was the male. She apologized for getting blood on my shirt, and promised she knew how to clean bloodstains. Before we went back home, I showed her some of the things we could do, from climbing trees, to incredible leaps. Each demonstration she copied, and I thought she was coming to terms with what she had become.

"I want to see my parents." She'd just leaped from the top of a mature oak, and somersaulted through the air on the way down, to land catlike on her feet – her bare feet – as she'd left without shoes.

"You can't." She looked hurt and confused at my denial. "Brother, you're dangerous to them now. They think you're dead, and they're probably planning your funeral. They can't know you're alive – what we are is a secret." It started to sink in that her old life was over, and her beautiful face fell. "You can't go back to them. You're different now."

"I never wanted to be different. I didn't ask for this! What good is it to fly through the trees if I can't hug my mother? How can you force my father to bury his baby girl when she's not dead? This will kill him!"

"No it won't – but _you_ will if you go." I hated the brutality of my words, and she stared at me in stunned disbelief. "You can't control the thirst. You're a danger to humans, and you will be for at least a year."

"You told me we don't drink human blood!" she accused.

"We don't, but it's in our nature to hunt humans. Carlisle wants us to be different and only hunt animals."

"Carlisle? He's the one who bit me! He's the one who did this to me, isn't he?" The murderous rage she felt for our sire was overwhelming.

"He saved your life. If not for him you'd be at your own funeral – in a box. You were nearly dead when he brought you home."

"He should have let me die! What do I have now? I can't see my mother and father... I can't see my friends... I can't finish my schooling... and you haven't told me, but I bet I can't get married and have children, can I?" I stared at her. She was radiant in her anger. "Answer me Edward!"

"You'll live forever. You won't ever suffer pain. You'll never get old." I tried to tell her the good things.

"Children? Edward, can I ever have children?" She'd gone from being angry to sounding small and insecure. She wanted me to lie. I could hear the pleading in her mind, and the desperation for hope she could cling to.

"No... no children." And just like that she was back in the torturous cycle of pain, hatred, fear, anger, and self-loathing, from which our hunting trip was merely a distraction. With casual disregard, she toppled a pine tree as she screamed in frustration.

"It's not fair! I did everything I was supposed to do – why did this happen to me?" In her mind I could see the way she thought her life should have turned out. She wanted to be a wealthy socialite, wife, and mother. She wanted to host parties, be seen on the arm of her handsome husband, and kiss two darling curly haired children, before their nanny took them to the park. She wanted a big house with servants, and she wanted to be admired. I wandered over to the fallen tree and sat on the trunk. It all seemed so normal, but so shallow as well.

"It isn't fair, but it's life. You're alive, my brother..."

"Stop it. I'm no more alive than I am your brother." She poked herself in the chest. "This is pretend. I should be dead, and instead I'm pretending to be alive. I'm pretending to be a boy... because being a girl was too _hard._" She threw off the hat and her hair tumbled down her back. She reached inside the shirt and tore the corset off and threw the tattered bindings to the ground. "I may be stronger than any man, but I'm not a man. I'm not even a woman anymore." Her thoughts were on everything she'd lost, and I realized that what I'd thought was shallow was only the surface. It was the image she wanted to show, but her reality was much deeper.

She loved children, and she'd wanted to teach. She'd dreamed of all her feminine expectations since she was a little girl, from her wedding day to her job as a teacher, to her lovely home. She'd always known her real life wouldn't be as perfect as her little girl dreams, but she saw no reason why she shouldn't have a husband, a home, and children.

"Why?" She looked at me with the sad eyes of a child. "Why did they do that to me? I was nothing to him... less than nothing." The images were still fresh in her head, and I realized that they'd never fade. I didn't know how to answer her question. I couldn't imagine ever doing something like what was done to her.

"Sometimes... men drink, and it makes them behave like animals." It was a feeble excuse and she knew it.

"No. That's not good enough." She stood there, surrounded by trees, with the sun striking dazzling patterns off her skin, and I saw her resolve – felt it click into her mind. It was the first glimpse I had of her true self, with everything stripped away. She wasn't a pampered little girl, she wasn't a wealthy socialite, she wasn't a wife, mother, or even a daughter. And she certainly wasn't a victim. Standing there in my shirt and pants, with her feet covered in blood, pine needles and leaves, she was fully Rose. She was a beauty to look at, but oh you better never forget she had the sharpest thorns.

She must have somehow guessed I could read her, for as soon as the thought came into her mind, she smiled wickedly and turned to run. She was going after them.

Her newborn strength and speed took her quickly out of my reach, even though I knew the woods better than she did. I chased after her, hearing bits and pieces of her thoughts, and it didn't take her long to deduce that I couldn't keep up with her. She angled to the dirt road that ran past our house, and followed the dirt track toward town.

I had no idea how she planned to find the men who'd ripped her life from her, but she seemed to have a goal in mind. I lost even the sound of her thoughts as she put more distance between us. My fear was of course that once she met with other humans she'd leave a trail of death in her wake even a blind man could follow.

Once I made it to town, I was forced to slow down so I didn't attract attention. The sun was dipping low in the west, but I still had to keep to the shadows. There was no sign of her anywhere. I wandered around the town, looking for some clue as to where she'd gone. She never even told me her last name, so I couldn't find her home. Over an hour had passed, and I was feeling a bit panicked that I'd lost her, and I stopped to assess the situation.

There were people out and about, walking along the sidewalks, working on the many projects in the growing city, and traveling along the roads. There wasn't a bloodbath, nor any screams or dead bodies. I inhaled deeply, trying to catch her scent. There was the barest whisper on the breeze, and I followed it, right toward the center of town. It grew stronger as I went, and I found myself facing a large, opulent hotel. Still no screams or people fleeing. I wondered how she managed it. The hunger had to be driving her mad with so many people around.

Inside the hotel I caught a faint echo of her thoughts. I bypassed the desk clerk and headed for the stairway, where I raced up the stairs in search of her. On the third floor I heard an indistinct cry, as if it were muffled. I hurried to the last room on the hallway and found the door closed but not locked I stepped in with caution and she smiled my way, as if she'd been waiting for me.

"Edward, so nice you could make it to my party. You've arrived just in time since I had to stop at home first." I couldn't help but stare, since she looked as if she'd just stepped out of a burlesque show. She wasn't wearing my clothes, but instead had on women's dress shoes, stockings, garters, and a bustier. She was a fantasy most men would dream about, and she strutted around the room showing off her body. "I'd like you to meet two of my closest friends. This is Calvin, and this is George."

There were two beds in the room, and Calvin and George were each lashed to the iron bed frames. They were gagged, and naked. It looked like she'd already battered them, and I was impressed that George's bloody nose wasn't tempting her. They looked at me as if I'd come to save them, but I'd come to try to save her.

She sashayed to the far side of the room and faced me with a smile. "Do you like what you see, Edward? Calvin was so overcome with what he saw, he opened the door and let me right in – isn't that right, darling?" She pinched the cheek of the man nearest her, leaving a welt behind. "Calvin likes helpless women, and he's fond of slapping them as well." She slapped him so hard I thought she might have broken his cheek bone.

"Rose... you don't want to do this... they're not worth it. Carlisle doesn't want a killer living with us..."

"_Carlisle?_ Carlisle made me like this! But not before dear, sweet, Calvin and George had their _fun_." She strutted toward the other bed, and the man's face drained of color. As she stared down at him with her red eyes, his bladder emptied. "Poor, poor, George," she sighed in mock pity. "George must have been a problem for his mother when he was a child, since he loves to suckle at the breast, but he bites." She reached out and pinched both his nipples til he writhed in pain.

"Rose, please stop. You have every right to be angry. I won't argue that they don't deserve this, but do you really want to be a murderer? It changes you, Rose – trust me – I know."

She looked like she was considering my words, but she was really being dramatic, tapping her chin and gazing off into space. "You know what Edward. If it was just the rape, maybe I could let them live. Or even if it was just the humiliation, I could walk away. And technically they didn't kill me." She looked between the two men as if considering. "But they're the reason my mom is crying at a cemetery this afternoon. They're the reason my dad looks like he's a thousand years old. And you know what? I think I can get used to being a murderer."

She was quick, and before I could stop her she snapped George's neck. "Yep, I think I can get used to this." She turned and pounded her fist into Calvin's chest, crushing his sternum into his heart with the force of a dropped anvil.

"You know, I really thought I'd feel a little sad... but I don't." She looked at me and smiled. "Did you just come to watch, or do you want to have a taste of them?" She flipped her hair casually over her shoulder. "I don't want anything from them."

I stared at the two dead men and followed her from the room. She didn't have to tell me what they'd done, I'd read their minds, and they were truly vile. I had to catch up with her, she was already at the end of the hallway, and standing outside another door.

"There are two more of my playmates in this room. Five men raped me, and five men are going to die." I stood back indecisively and watched. She tapped on the wood, and flirted at the peep hole.

"Go away, we don't need any whores." The sounds from the room sounded like sex, but I smelled blood. So did she, and she easily pushed her way into the room. I was helpless but to follow her, and what I saw made me appreciate what she wanted to do to the men. What I saw with my eyes was almost as bad as the images that flashed in my head from the hotel maid they were raping. I pulled the girl away from them, just as Rose attacked. I wrapped the girl in a blanket from the bed, and rushed her out of the room. I had to hurry, because I smelled blood – lots of blood. I took her to the stairwell and closed the door, and the scent of blood dimmed enough I wasn't overcome.

I carried the crying maid down the stairs and to the lobby of the hotel, shouting for help. In minutes there were many people coming to help, and I told them she'd been attacked. In the chaos, I stole away and went to look for Rose.

On the first floor, she had a room, and she was in the shower when I caught up to her. There were a couple drops of blood on the floor, and I knew the clothes she'd taken off were saturated in it. I sat down and waited, listening to the commotion over the maid, and waiting for the cries of alarm over the men on the third floor.

When she stepped out, she was dressed, and her damp hair was loose down her back. She was wearing proper clothing for a woman, though her gown was quite formal. She smiled brightly when she saw me. '_You can read my mind, can't you?_' She looked me in the eye without saying a word.

"Yes."

"I knew it! Why can't I do it too?"

I shrugged. "Some of us get gifts and talents, and some of us get better at what we already are."

"You make it sound like there are many... how many?"

"Not many in this area. Maybe thirty throughout the country. There are many more in Europe."

"So we're rare. That's good to know." She moved over to the mirror and began brushing her hair. In a few minutes she had it twisted up and pinned. "How do I look in my wedding dress?" She didn't wait for my answer, but turned to look at her reflection. "It's nice to know I can use a mirror. Bram Stoker got many things wrong it seems." She turned and smiled at me again. "I'm not in your thrall, am I?" She laughed like she thought that idea was ridiculous. "What about crosses, silver, and holy water?"

"They make nice jewelry, or make you wet. And a wooden stake won't go through your heart either. Carlisle tried many times to kill himself when he was created. As far as he knows, we can only be murdered by our own kind." As I spoke, she dabbed on perfume and lipstick and closed the little purse where her toiletries came from.

"Well Edward, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be, or what I'm supposed to do. But I've got one more rat to take care of before I do anything else. Royce King the second and I have a little date. He had the nerve to stand beside my grave and hug my mother, and for that he's going to suffer." She glanced toward the window and smiled. "Good, it's almost dark now. I wonder how Junior will feel when he sees my ghost."

We left the hotel just as the bodies were discovered, and I heard the shouts and screams as people fled the third floor, and others rushed up to see what had happened. I carefully took her arm as we stepped through the doors unnoticed.

"Did you feed from the men?" We were walking along the road with her hand on my arm, as if we were a couple.

"No. They were poison. You were wrong about being dangerous to humans. I'm only dangerous to animals who rape and murder. I didn't even taste their blood." She was phenomenal in her self control, and I was in awe of her.

We walked about a mile from the hotel, and we were in a residential area, with stately homes. She stopped in the dark shadows of an oak tree. "This is his home. I've got a date with my fiance, Edward. This could get personal, and I don't want you to come in. But will you wait for me?" Because I was complicit to her murders, she now trusted me. It was a strange bond we shared.

I waited. I could hear just enough to know she was okay, but she was gone for over an hour. I saw her come out the side entrance and heave something high overhead with all her might, toward the nearby lake. I later learned it was his head.

She barely looked disheveled as she met me by the tree. "I have one more thing I want to do if you don't mind." We walked together to her family's home, and she peeked through the windows before she climbed onto the roof and entered through an attic window. When she emerged, she had a heavy embroidered bag, which I assumed held clothes.

"Where to now, Edward? Do we go back to Carlisle's and have it out, or is there someplace else we can go?" In her mind she was at peace. But with that peace came resignation that Carlisle could kill her for her crimes. I took her bag in a gentlemanly fashion, and we began to walk along the road.


	3. Chapter 3 Bonding

Chapter 3

Bonding

"I don't think it's safe to go back. They saw my face at the hotel. We could lead trouble right to his doorstep." I didn't want to tell her that he might be angry enough to attack us. I didn't think he would, but there was just enough doubt in my mind to make going home feel like the wrong choice. I was just starting to lament how unprepared I was to travel, when she showed me the money she brought along.

"I've been saving this for quite a while. It was for my trousseau, and I'm certainly not going to need that anymore."

"Don't say that. You could still marry..."

"That's impossible. You said yourself we're rare. Let's just say that half of the thirty are male, and let's say that half of those are unattached, that leaves me with eight men to choose from? In that wide pool, do you really think I could find someone?" She laughed bitterly. "I'm damaged goods Edward. I'm a spinster who will never dry up."

"You're beautiful." I don't know why I said it, but she stopped and looked at me in the pale moonlight.

"So are you." We stood face to face, and I thought again about kissing her. I wanted to, but her thoughts begged me not to try. "Beautiful isn't enough, is it? It's what gets us noticed, but not what makes us memorable. I was beautiful and naive, and he treated me like I was garbage. I wish I could trade beauty for the wisdom to recognize what a snake he was. I wish I could trade beauty for the chance to rock my own baby to sleep just one time. And I would gladly be hideous if I could be alive again. I would trade everything I have to grow old with a man who loves me."

Her words resonated within me. To be loved was the very thing I wanted. I pulled her to me and kissed her. At first she was frozen with shock, then she tried to resist and pull away. I relaxed and gave her space. She looked at me with wide eyes, then I saw her calm, and heard her agreement in my head. We kissed again, and her willing lips were heavenly.

It wasn't my first kiss, but it was only my third, and the first since being changed. Her mouth was sweet, and I touched her lips with my tongue, tracing the perfect outline with the tip. When her mouth opened to me, it took me by surprise. I'd seen open mouth kissing in the nightclubs, but never before then. It just wasn't done. Her tongue met mine, and it felt electric. Moist, and soft, and sweet, she timidly moved it against me. It was a heady sensation, and I wanted more! I heard her invitation in my head; she wanted me to deepen the kiss.

I held her tight and slid my tongue against hers, seeking, tasting, and exploring the inside of her delicious, soft, mouth. It was so intimate, and yet I didn't love her. But in those moments when we were holding each other and kissing so deeply, I _wanted _to lover her. The headlights of an oncoming car broke us apart.

By mutual unspoken agreement we began walking, and kept silent, neither of us wanting to talk about the kiss. But her thoughts weren't silent, and she was dissecting everything about it, from the way it felt, to mapping out our whole future together should it lead to something more.

I pretended I couldn't read her thoughts, even when she thought of things to try to provoke me. I told her the same thing I'd told Carlisle – that the mind whispered it's secrets, and I had to listen closely to hear. I think she wanted to believe me, but she kept glancing at me to see if I flinched, especially when in her mind she admitted she liked the kiss.

Once outside of the city, she hid in a stand of trees and changed out of her dress. When she emerged she was wearing my pants and a clean shirt she said belonged to her father. She was once again barefoot

"I may not like being dead, but I love the freedom. If I don't want to wear corsets, braziers, stockings, shoes or skirts, there's no one to make me." I smiled. I didn't tell her she looked quite fetching in her brazen outfit. Once she was dressed for comfort, we ran. Our speed took us far from Rochester, and we steered clear of human towns and settlements. Once we were deep in undisturbed nature we hunted again. I taught her how to kill cleanly, so she didn't come out bathed in blood. Afterward we retreated from the site of the kill. We walked for a few miles to a clearing where we relaxed and stared up at the stars. She asked me what human blood tasted like.

"You don't want to know." Just thinking about it made me want it. "Once you taste it, it's hard to ever be satisfied with animals. It's like the perfect food, and the best taste you can imagine." I found myself very close to her in the silence of the forest. "It's not like anything I've ever tasted." I could see her eyes glittering in the starlight as she listened raptly. "When I was human my favorite foods were fresh baked bread, and Mom's apple tarts, and Sunday's fried chicken, and cold lemonade. But the blood was better – much better. It was like everything I ever needed and wanted was right there, flowing down my throat like milk and honey from the land of Canaan."

"So why did you go back to the animals? What's to stop you from ridding the world of every foul creature that ever crawled from a mother's womb?"

"I've thought about it. But the last man I killed was..." I looked at her, and it was so strange to see such a beautiful creature so attentive to me. "Evil doesn't happen naturally. I mean people are selfish and grasping, and sometimes uncaring, but real evil and depravity have to be cultivated. The last man seemed to be completely evil from his plans to his thoughts. But when he was dying his final thoughts were on his childhood. His evil came from what had been done to him, over and over again. I heard the thoughts of his shattered spirit, and it made me feel... vile and unclean. He'd been a victim, he'd victimized others, and in his death he was once again a victim – because of me.

"Rose, taking his life made me feel exactly like him." I reached out and laid my hand on her cheek. "I hope you don't go down that path. I hope for your sake today was the last time you'll ever take a human life. When I said it changes you, I meant you'll carry them with you forever. It's good you couldn't read them, but I did, and George's last thought was longing for his mother. Calvin was thinking of what he would do to you if he could get free. They're with me now for as long as I live."

"Why do you say that? Just forget about them, and they'll go away. I bet when you wake up tomorrow you won't remember half of it." I laughed bitterly at her naivete.

"Oh Rose, I keep forgetting how new you are and how little you know. We don't sleep – ever. And we don't forget. Our memory doesn't degenerate. The best we can hope for is to create new memories." She gasped at the realization. She wondered if she'd ever dream again. "No more dreams either – unless you count daydreams.'

"So I'm always going to remember what they did to me? I'm always going to remember the feel of his hands on me? I'll never escape the smell of whiskey on his breath? I'll always feel like a fool for thinking the worst they could do to me was tear my dress?" She was on her feet in her agitation. "Why would anyone want this? The feeling of dying... the pain of him shoving into me... the humiliation of what they did to my mouth... the way they used me! You mean I'll always remember? One of the men shoved a whiskey bottle into my backside! How am I supposed to live with that?" I could see even more horrifying memories flashing through her mind.

"Stop it, Rose. You have to think about something else."

"Why? Do you not like how they tore my clothes off of me? Don't you want to see how they held my legs apart? Does it bother you to see how they all took a turn?" She sneered and taunted me with both her words and the images in her mind.

"Yes! Yes it bothers me! For god-sakes Rose, any decent man would be horrified at what they did, even if they only heard about it. But I can see it! I can _feel _it through you!" I heard my voice raised, and I held her upper arms – I wanted to shake her. "Every time you think about it, you're giving them control over you – _stop it_!"

"How Edward? How do I stop thinking about it when it's there forever?" I pulled her into my arms and held her tight. She was trembling, and my hands caressed over her back, trying to calm her. The images left her mind and she was suddenly present in the moment. She was absorbed in the way I felt pressed against her, and my hand caressing over her body felt good to her. She wanted me to kiss her. I did.

Her arms came around me and she kissed me with unrestrained passion. She tasted sweet, and she knew how to kiss. It was more than I'd ever experienced with a woman, and she took my breath away. I was so caught up in just kissing her, tasting her, touching the curves of her back, and running my fingers through her silken hair. It was wonderful. Our tongues played with each other and her fingers slid through my hair and clutched it in handfuls to hold me for even deeper kisses.

Her chaotic thoughts about how good it felt, and how much she liked it resolved into one clear thought she intended me to read: _'Make love to me, Edward.' _ I tried to pretend I didn't 'hear' her, but my unconscious gasp let her know I did. I pulled away.

"You don't mean that." I could see her well in the light from the half moon. She was lovely, and I wanted to be wrapped in her arms again. But I had never been intimate with a woman. I wanted to be in love, and Rose was complicated. I didn't even know her last name. "I don't even know your last name."

"It's Hale." She smiled and stepped closer. "I know you've never done this Edward." Her arms slid around my neck and she looked up at me. "I've never made love either. To be honest, I don't know if I can. It scares me to death." She giggled. "I guess that was a poor choice of words, since we're already dead."

"Why do you keep saying that? I don't think of it as dead, I think of it as changed. To be dead we'd have to be human, and we're not human anymore."

"You changed the subject. Will you make love to me? Or do you find me revolting?"

"No. I mean I don't find you revolting. You're amazing. My god, you're beautiful, and so... desirable. I would want to, but..."

"But what?" She kissed my cheek, and placed soft little kisses along my jaw. "What's stopping you, Edward? We no longer have to follow human conventions." Her hands moved from my hair, down to my shoulders, touching me, and totally distracting me from my thoughts.

"I don't love you." Oh no, I wanted to find a nicer way to put it. "I mean... you deserve better, and it's so soon. I want to..." She laughed softly.

"Hush." She kissed me then, with her firm body pressed against me and her arms holding me tight. She was overwhelming all of my senses and I was helpless to stop her. I could feel her hands moving over me, touching me down to my waist where she pulled my shirt out from the waist of my pants. Her hands moved underneath, touching my bare skin, and I'd never felt anything so exquisite.

"Take off your shirt, Edward." I wanted to resist what was happening, but my fingers worked the buttons like she owned them. I stared at her, slack-jawed with wonder as her fingers unbuttoned her own shirt like we were mirror images. When I pulled mine off, so did she, and we stood there eye to eye and half naked.

"Now take off your pants." I heard the clink of the belt buckle as she did the same. I fought not to look away from her face, and she didn't take her eyes off me. I had to bend to slide my pants all the way off, and I removed my shoes and socks as well. I heard the rustle as she removed hers too. I stood, suddenly afraid to look at her. I was aroused, and very much so, and I resisted the impulse to cross my hands over myself.

"Look at me Edward... please." I heard the uncertainty in her voice, but it was in her thoughts as well. As beautiful as she was, she feared there was something wrong with her. Something that made men want to be disrespectful, or hurt her. Every little self-doubt washed through her mind, and it confused me.

My eyes met hers, then I smiled. I looked at her body, at first just taking in the whole image, noting Venus had never been so lovely. Then I went through her mental list: No, her breasts weren't odd shaped, her hips weren't too wide, her legs weren't too strong, her stomach wasn't fat, and on and on. She was perfect.

"You're perfect, Rose. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I could just stare at you forever... but I want to touch you." My words had made her happy, but she was also nervous about me touching her. I stepped closer and placed my hands in hers. "You decide. I won't do anything you don't want. I won't hurt you."

"I know you won't hurt me, Edward." She took my hand and placed it high on her chest. She sighed in relief. Her skin felt so soft to me. Then she guided me to her breast. "Touch me. I want you to." My hand seemed to have a mind of its own and her breast fit perfectly in my palm, so soft and yielding, but with a firmness that seemed to invite a gentle squeeze. She gasped. "I like that. You have gentle hands."

She placed my other hand on her other breast, and I closed my eyes. Just the sensation of touching her like that made me want her. I could feel my body aroused to the point of demanding need, but I didn't know how to proceed, especially without scaring her. Then she moved closer and put her arms around me. I gasped, realizing I was naked, and her hands were shyly touching my body. I never knew what lust felt like before, but it raced through me and it took all my will not to grab hold of her and make her mine.

"Oh Rose... please. I _want _you, darling." My hands moved from her breasts, to her hips, and around to her soft rounded curves, and I pulled her against me. My hands explored over her body, glorying in the feel of her perfect skin.

"Yes, Edward... I want this." Her breathy whisper in my ear almost unmanned me. The restraint was more difficult than I imagined. I kissed her, with all thoughts of gentleness buried in waves of lust. We sank to the ground, kissing hungrily, tasting, touching, feeling, and learning each other. She relaxed onto her back, and I covered her with my body. I kissed her deeply, and my hands moved over her, loving the way she moved against me.

I was so excited, I didn't even listen to her thoughts, I was so overwhelmed with new sensations, of skin, and kissing, and curves, and the feel of her body, and her sighs. I parted her legs and moved close, knowing soon I'd be inside her and we would be one – and I wanted it so badly!

'Please stop.' One tiny thought from the chaotic confusion of her mind. I didn't believe it. Surely she can't be serious after all this. I prepared to enter her. 'Oh god, no!' Still no words, but her breathing was shallow. 'No. No, no, no, no, no, no... I can't... Oh god, please don't let them!' "Stop!" Her panicked eyes looked through me and her hands pushed against me, and she was suddenly screaming, and I was pushed away from her – hard!

I landed several yards away. She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. Her hair covered her face as she hugged herself tight. "Are you okay, Rose?" She looked so small.

"Go away." Her thoughts were so disjointed, but I understood she wanted to be alone. I walked away. I was still close enough I could hear her, when I found a rock outcropping and sat down. I was embarrassed that I was still aroused. It showed no signs of going away as it would have if I were human.

I looked at it in the dim light. 'It's your fault she's upset,' I mentally accused. No, it really wasn't. I hadn't paid much attention to that part of my body since being changed. I didn't even need to touch it anymore since I no longer urinated. It was just there, almost useless, and certainly harmless. But it wasn't harmless now. I wrapped my hand around it and stroked. Oh... how I'd forgotten such intense sensations! I closed my eyes and let my hands take care of my unexpected need. It was bigger than I remembered, almost like it had grown up. It felt good, but it was even better when I imagined it was her. I was momentarily shocked when I realized the woman I wanted touching me wasn't Esme, whom I'd loved, but Rose. In fact, I couldn't even imagine being so intimate with Esme. She was above and beyond that now.

But the things I did to the lovely Rose in my thoughts made me grateful _she _couldn't read minds. It also took longer than I remembered from being human. Or maybe I was just trying to draw out the pleasure – and it was pleasure, without a doubt. Afterward I sat there, wondering how long I'd be exiled from her presence. My member was back to being placid and harmless, but I wondered at how easily she managed to arouse me. Was it all her beautiful body, or was there more?

"Edward, can you come back please?" Her voice was small, and still I heard it clearly. I felt like a puppet answering that call so quickly, as if she pulled my strings. I was surprised to see her still sitting as I'd left her. And she raised her head to look at me with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on and then push you away. Can you please hold me?" Oh god. I didn't know if I could.

"Maybe you should... get dressed first?"

"No. I just want to feel you next to me."

"Rose... I don't know if I can stop myself..."

"Just hold me Edward. If something happens, I'll try not to stop you." It wasn't much assurance that all this wouldn't happen again, but she held her arms out to me, and I went to her. I sat beside her, and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. She was stiff for a second, then she snuggled against my side and put her arms around me.

"I don't know why that happened. I feel safe with you. I think it was the feel of you on top of me, and the way you spread my legs...I'm sorry I let myself remember."

"Shhh, it's not your fault. You're not sending out some silent invitation, Rose. You didn't do anything to deserve what happened. No more than the maid at the hotel did. They would have killed her, you know. The one who answered the door already knew where to dump her body." She didn't say anything, but held me tighter.

She was stronger than me, and she easily pushed me onto my back until she was lying partially on top of me. With her breasts against my body and her head tucked under my chin, I held her as my hands lazily moved over her nakedness. Her mind was at peace, and I couldn't stop touching her. She was intoxicating, and I was almost content just to lie with her and run my hands over her lush flesh. I gazed into the sky at the multitudes of stars, and wondered if anyone looking at those stars felt as good as I did at that moment.

She moved up and kissed me. Her mouth was a drug and in minutes we were clinging and I just couldn't get enough of her. Her tongue was in my mouth, and her hands were on my body and I held her head with my fingers anchored in her hair, as our mouths feasted on each other. When her hand moved between my legs and touched me, I was already so aroused I groaned aloud.

"Rose... you're making me crazy! I won't be able to resist you girl, I'm not that strong." She kissed me, and her hand stayed there. Her bold but inexperienced touches had me gasping.

"Show me how to touch you, Edward. I want to make you feel good." I felt it leap against her hand at her words. I didn't think about it, but put my hand over hers and showed her. In minutes she knew what to do and eagerly took over. She was fascinated with how easily she could get to me and control me. Then she kissed me as her hand continued to stroke. It was heavenly!

My hips moved with her hand, and I closed my eyes and imagined it wasn't her hand, but her perfect body against me. My climax came, quick and volcanic, and she was awed that she'd given me such a response. For all of my supernatural strength and stamina I lay spent and panting, staring at her in wonder.

"Rose... Rosalie... " I breathed her name, struck speechless as no words could encompass all I felt in those moments. It was happiness, peace, satisfaction, and joy – and maybe love. I smiled as I thought about it. I recognized that in those wonderful, intimate moments with my Rose, I felt a connection to her that defied all the ethereal longings I'd had for Esme. It was as if the string that had connected my heart to Esme had been snatched by the determined fingers of my Rose. She totally captivated me.

She resumed her position, lying on top of me, but she didn't kiss me. "I think I'm going to miss sleeping. I used to have the wildest dreams, and my mother would laugh when I told her." She looked down on me, with the curtain of her hair falling beside me. Her chin rested on one hand while her other continued to move over my chest, shoulder, neck and face. "I last told her that in my dream I was driving a car, and it was rainbow colored. And there were six children in the back and they were three sets of twins. They each had a different animal as a pet, including a duck." She giggled. "Can you imagine a pet duck, Edward?" I smiled up at her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that animals were afraid of us and we couldn't have pets. In her mind it wasn't the pets that held her fascination, but the six children. She imagined having a large family. "Do you remember any of your dreams, Edward?"

My human memories were dim and I didn't recall my sleeping dreams. But I wanted to share like she had. "I was playing baseball in the World Series. I was seven when the Cubs won the title, and it's always been a dream of mine, whether awake or asleep." I felt foolish admitting it to her, but she enjoyed that I shared.

"Why don't you do it now? I'm sure you could outrun or out pitch anyone living." I sighed. She was so relaxed and lighthearted I didn't want to bring up the other restrictions.

"We're not allowed to draw attention to ourselves. Those European vampires I mentioned have kind of made the laws for us. If we don't keep the secrets, they will hunt us down and..."

"Kill us dead-er," she supplied. I nodded. "That's good to know. If I can't continue like this, they'll put me in the ground for good."

"Is it so bad?" I looked up at her and touched her face.

"Not right now. I like being with you Edward." _'I like being with you a lot,_' her mind echoed. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her.

"I like being with you too, Rose." We laid there for several hours, just talking about our human lives, touching, and kissing. I wondered idly what Carlisle and Esme would think about our absence, but I didn't want to rush back. As the sun came up and the birds began to sing in the trees, I was more than content to stay with Rose, wherever that happened to be.

The way the sun laid the shadows of the trees against us in alternating stripes with the sparkling of white skin fascinated me. It made me so much more aware that I was lying with a naked woman, now that I could see her in the light of day.

"What are you thinking?" She kissed my chin and looked down into my eyes.

"My thoughts are most impure, Miss Rose. You would be appalled."

"Maybe not." She gazed down at me, then kissed me. For several minutes we kissed greedily, then she pulled away. "You're so handsome Edward, but you're not my type." She smiled impishly and kissed me again, deeply.

"And what is your type?" I felt a touch of insecurity as I looked up into her teasing grin.

"Oh, I've always been attracted to men like my daddy. Tall, strong, dark curls and blue eyes. Big, muscular, hairy chest, and legs like tree trunks...

"Are you_ trying_ to make me jealous?" I grinned at her teasing.

"Is it working?" Her fingers played through my hair, and then brushed across my lips.

"You already know I want you, Rose. And yes, it's working. I've half a mind to see if I can change your _type._ The things I want to do to you would make you blush if you still could." It surprised her to know she couldn't blush. It was so hard remembering how new she was and all the things she didn't know.

"Show me Edward. I want to try to be yours." In her mind I heard how her fiance had been her type, and she really did want me because I was different. I moved with her, gently lying her on her back. I raised up to just gaze at her, seeing her nakedness before me in the sunlight took my breath away. Her skin glistened like wet opals, and her hair was spun gold, as if Rumpelstiltskin himself had been at work. Her eyes were twin rubies set in the perfection of her cameo face.

I didn't lie on her, but leaned over her to kiss her perfect mouth. So soft and sweet she returned my kisses, with her arms around my neck and her fingers twisted in my hair. From her lips I moved to kiss her chin, then to kiss and trace my tongue lightly around her ear. She rewarded me with a startled gasp, and encouragement in her thoughts. From her ear I moved to her neck, laying a necklace of tiny moist kisses around her throat. She arched her back and sighed.

I was almost afraid to move further, knowing where her attackers' preoccupation had been. I let my fingers lightly tease over the sides of her breasts, then drew the tip of my tongue down between them. She moaned softly, and her thoughts told me she wanted to feel my mouth on her. With my tongue wide and wet, I licked beneath each of her perfect mounds.

"More please... Edward!" From there I licked upward, to her tiny blushing nipple. I kissed it softly and she writhed beneath me. Her hands moved to pull me closer and I resisted. Instead I gave the same treatment to the other one, and she moaned again when I kissed it. "...feels so good..." Her whisper encouraged me. I gave one more kiss to each side, then moved down.

I kissed, licked, and even rubbed my face against the smooth skin of her belly. The way she moved made me know she enjoyed it, but I listened to her thoughts as well, not wanting to push her too far or too fast. I was nervous when I moved down. I'd seen it in the minds of some of those in the nighttime businesses, and it intrigued me. But I worried that Rose was too decent and upstanding, and I didn't want to offend her sensibilities.

I placed tiny kisses outlining her patch of dark blond hair. She gasped at the sensations and I felt her tremble when I kissed the fold at the top of her thigh. When I let my tongue move lower along that fold, she panted, and moved her legs apart. I monitored her thoughts, and I was surprised to learn of a woman named Vera who had shared forbidden secrets of wedded bliss with her best friend Rose.

With her unspoken permission I moved my tongue through the patch of hair first, then to the place where the hair parted. Her gasp and moan was almost a mirror of mine. She was fragrant, sweet, and moist, and just the tiniest touch of my tongue at the tip of her sex made her writhe and reach for me. Her legs at first barely parted, now spread wide for me, opening up her womanly treasure to the exploration of my tongue and lips. Sweet, slick, pink, and wanting, it was all new to me and I wanted to just bury my mouth against her and drink. Her hips rose with the movements of my tongue when I learned to move it into the tiny opening. She cried out, a sound of joy intermixed with longing.

I knew longing as well, seeing her all spread out and inviting. I could easily see how we would fit together, but I was afraid to make the attempt. Instead I kissed the sensitive little pink nub, and she pressed against me and moaned.

"Edward! That feels _so _good. I love this... please don't stop!" Her eyes were closed, her fingers were in my hair, and her body writhed and pressed against me. I remembered how good she made me feel the night before, and I wanted to do the same for her. And so I pushed my own needs aside and set about giving her what she wanted and needed. It was so good to taste her and feel her and listen to her sounds of bliss, and when I read her mind I could feel too how overwhelmed she was with pleasure. It was a stunning circuit that left me gasping and threatened to make me lose control of my own arousal. Her hands guided me and her words encouraged me, and I knew she was getting close to a release like she'd given me.

When it happened I wasn't prepared for how strong she was. Her hips moved against me and her hands held me as she moaned and cried out in ecstasy. I was lucky I didn't need to breathe, and she couldn't actually hurt me. Her hips moved until she finally shuddered with her release, then she fell back, seemingly exhausted. I smiled, knowing just how she felt.

I slowly kissed back up her body, and her legs remained parted as my mouth found her breasts. "Edward, you're going to drive me crazy!" Again her hands guided me and I lavished attention on her sweet mounds. No matter how she encouraged, moaned and writhed, I was gentle, knowing she needed it that way. The feel of her flesh in my mouth was exquisite, and my tongue teased the tiny peaks to hard alertness. They were so beautiful to look at, with her skin so pale and the tips the color of her name.

"Make love to me, Edward." I felt a sense of excitement at her words, but I was also worried it was too soon. I continued to lavish attention on her body with my mouth and hands. "Edward please..." I moved up to kiss her and she wrapped her arms around my head and kissed me passionately – then she flipped me onto my back.

I was looking up at her, astride my body, and I just drank in the sight of her. She was smiling down at me. "Do you want me, Edward?" Her coy smile left no doubt what she meant.

"Yes. But I don't want to scare you or hurt you. I'm afraid it's too soon." She leaned forward and kissed me, with her firm breasts pressed against my chest. When she sat up again she was radiant, and her smile put me at ease.

"It's not too soon. I want this. I want you." She moved down my body til she was straddled across my hips. Of course I was still aroused, and she took it in her hand and carefully guided it to her opening. We were poised like that, staring at each other for long moments. _ 'Do it, Edward._' Her thoughts were clear, and I raised up just a bit, pushing just the tip inside her. Her eyes widened and she gasped. She pressed back against me slowly, and little by little we became one.

"Oh...!" she breathed as soon as we were fully joined. "It doesn't hurt." She moved a little, adjusting her position, and sighed. "I never thought it would be like this. Edward I feel so full... and it's good!" She rose up a little and pressed back down. "Oh... I like this!" She sighed again tossing her hair back, and it brushed against my thighs. She was a goddess and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I wanted desperately to throw her down and pound into her. But I waited with as much patience as I could muster. She needed my gentleness more than I needed to satisfy my lust.

Fortunately it didn't take her long to realize the friction between us felt good. I watched her rise up again and I thrust my hips up to meet her, and she cried out with the pleasure. That was all it took, and she started to move on me. Her rising and falling and my hip thrusts obliterated every coherent thought I had. It was the best thing I'd ever experienced and I wanted it to last forever. I don't know how I lasted so long, watching her impale herself on me, seeing the pleasure on her face, hearing her cries of joy, watching her breasts bounce, and feeling the indescribable friction of our union. It seemed to go on forever, or maybe I was just locked into that moment in time and my mind refused to move forward.

But it had to end, and when it did it was tempestuous as a storm, with her frenzied movements and her loud cries echoing off the silent, witnessing trees. My voice joined hers; a baritone counterbalance to the lovely sounds of her joy. I was lost in sensations and it was impossible to stop the dam from breaking. Her mind spilled it's thoughts into mine, like sparkling jewels of sensation, and I lost all control – writhing, thrusting, clutching, holding, feeling, and desperately wanting all of her. My mind was overloaded and I spun into bright oblivion.

I heard her contented sigh as she laid her cheek against mine and rested her chin on my shoulder. My arms were around her and we were still somehow connected. I held my eyes closed, as even my mind was at peace. I'm not sure how long we rested there, but it was pure bliss to me as my mind was amazingly empty.

It was the feel of her skin. The first thought I had was my hand caressing over her smooth back and feeling her soft, naked skin. One by one like the first tiny raindrops of a shower, my mind began to sort through the images. Her contented breathing, so human-like in it's regularity – a habit left over from her recent life. Then the feel of her soft breasts pressed against my hard chest took all my attention as I tried to feel where I left off and she began.

She moved then. Just a shift that allowed our spent bodies to separate. I felt the disconnection and mourned the loss of perfection.

"You know, I think maybe you _are _my type." Her soft whisper was followed by even softer kisses to my face, neck, and ears. "We're lovers now, Edward." She raised up and smiled down at me. "I think I could get used to this _change.._.. if you're with me." The uncertainty was sharp in her mind if not her words. She needed the reassurance that I wouldn't betray her.

"Just try to get rid of me now. I'm yours as long as you want me " I was stunned that she wanted me. I looked up at her and the sun shone through her hair, making it look like a golden corona, and I couldn't imagine a more beautiful woman ever existed.


	4. Chapter 4 Family

Chapter 4

Family

I was amazed that such a simple declaration from me could make her so happy. She was so relieved that I'd made such a commitment to her, especially in light of how we'd already been intimate. It was there in her mind, that she'd refused to go even one step beyond kissing, if Royce King hadn't put a ring on her finger. She'd been clear that she wanted marriage, and that was the only way he'd ever get what he'd always wanted from her. She wondered now if he'd ever planned to go through with the marriage.

"He was a fool." We were lying side by side in the sweet grasses, and she looked at me startled. "I'm sorry, I was peeking. The man was an idiot, as well as an animal who didn't deserve you. I will always treat you like a lady, Rose." She grinned, with a twinkle in her ruby eyes.

"Oh, I sure hope not _always._ I rather like the unladylike pursuits we've discovered. She pulled me close and as she kissed me, she hitched her leg over my hip. It was all the encouragement I needed to touch her, kiss her, and let our mutual desire take us again. She was stunning in her passion, and eager to learn new ways to move together and please one another. For two days we made love many times in the clearing; neither of us wanting to move on.

When we finally moved on to hunt, Rose refused to dress. "There's no one to see me but you, and I _like _you seeing me." I tried to pretend it didn't affect me, but the sight of her beauty completely exposed made her almost irresistible to me. It was after we'd fed, I decided I'd make her change her mind. For every time the sight of her put the thought of lovemaking in my head, I went to her with my needs. The trouble was, her needs were equal to mine!

We became insatiable with each other, and even with the clearing long behind us, we made love so often I was embarrassed to want her so much. I had no idea it could be so good. By the third day I too was traveling naked, as dressing and undressing took too much time. I still carried her bag, just in case we ran into people. Instead what we ran into was more delightful than the clearing. It was a small, clear, lake.

She protested that she couldn't swim, and I had to laugh. "It's a good time to learn. Think about it dear, you can't drown." I held her hand as we waded into the cold water, and she was surprised the chill didn't bother her. I loved sharing her first experiences in the lake. Once she learned she didn't even need to breathe, she took a walk along the bottom, watching the fish. While mammals fled from us, fish seemed to treat us like we were one of them. She was enchanted, and quickly learned to swim just so she could swim with the schools of fish.

To me she looked like a mermaid or a water nymph. We were able to play chase since we were equally matched. I could swim better, but she had newborn strength. I caught her the first time,and carried her out of the water to make love on the shore. She was no longer afraid for me to be on top of her, and I loved looking at her writhing in pleasure beneath me. She enjoyed teasing me for being a year younger than she was, but I always proved I was a man when we made love.

She won the second game of chase, and I was surprised when she took me to the bottom of the lake. It was muddy and murky and she came to me kissing and touching. 'Can we make love here too, Edward?' It felt so personal when she thought in words directly to me, almost like it was a secret code.

When I'd first gone swimming with Carlisle after the change, he'd explained that humans have gasses in their bodies that ours don't. It makes them buoyant, and even dead they float to the surface. Without the gasses, we don't float to the surface, but we also don't sink like stones. We could almost hover underwater; experiencing a type of weightlessness.

At first I thought her idea was crazy, but she wrapped her arms and legs around me, and I wanted to try. We kissed, with our tongues playing, and I could taste the mud of the water. I pulled her away from the bottom, where I could see her better, with the sun shining down through the surface to make her shimmer. The water was cleaner, and kissing was all about sensation rather than taste.

With my arms wrapped around her, we joined our bodies, and knew the answer to her question. Yes we could make love underwater. And we did. It was slow and gentle, and we could turn or roll with just the simplest of movements. It seemed to last forever, and when we finally reached our breaking point, it was brief, quiet, and still. Afterward we clung together and drifted in her floating hair.

For two weeks we traveled without going anywhere. The money she brought was untouched since we stayed away from anyplace where we could spend it. When it rained, our only concern was where to stash the bag to keep it dry. We didn't need to worry about being hot, cold, wet, or even about wearing clothes. We hunted when we were hungry, and we made love when we were hungry for each other. It was simple and beautiful and I was happy.

I was in love.

Not that either of us would say it, but I felt it in her thoughts. Sometimes the way she would look at me she felt such strong adoration, it made me smile. Then she would get angry and deny it and swear I had a leaf in my hair or a bug on my neck. I knew she was afraid of being in love. She thought it was better to just be lovers since love made too many demands. I knew what she was thinking: That love meant we'd need to make a commitment, and get married, and have a home, and be respectable. Lovers meant we could be alone together in the woods, like Tarzan and Jane. I was perfectly happy with that arrangement. But it didn't stop me from loving her – I just couldn't tell her.

After about two weeks had passed, we found an old hunters cabin in the woods. It was crude to say the least, and small, with just one room. But it had two things we wanted; a roof and a bed. It was just enough civilization to let us live out a couple more weeks of "let's pretend." For a short time we played house. We set about fixing up the cabin, cleaning out the wasps nests, fixing the leaky roof, cleaning the fireplace hearth, and clearing the spider webs from the corners. Rose insisted on scrubbing the floors and the one window, and she swept the front porch daily with a broom she made from a branch and wild grasses.

At night we would make love in the rough wooden bed, and hold each other under the tattered quilt she'd washed and hung out to dry. I listened to her memories of an idyllic childhood, and told her everything I knew about being changed. She wanted to know about my life before, and I told her what little I could remember. She was surprised my memories had faded so much. I knew her memories had faded as well, but where there were gaps, she filled them in with wishes and could-have-beens. Our conversations seemed to be one sided since I could read her thoughts and she'd stopped talking as much.

She was lying on top of me one night, looking down at me. I loved the way her hair would drape over her shoulder and fall beside me. There was a fire burning in the fireplace, just because it made us feel more normal and gave us extra light.

"What do you want for our life, Edward?" I didn't know what she was asking, but from her mind I knew she wanted to know what the future held. She wanted to know if we would marry, and she wanted to know if we would go back to live with the one who'd made us what we were. She wanted to know if we would have to make money and work a normal job, and would we need to rejoin the human world. I could tell she was beginning to want something more than just a cabin in the woods.

"What would you like, Rose? If you want a home, we can have a home. If you want to travel, we can travel. If you want to be the belle of the ball, we can live in a city and I'll be a respectable businessman. If you want to finish your education, you can do that too. The only thing I can't give you is children."

"I know." The sadness in her voice tore at my heart. "I just... want more purpose to my life than sweeping up a log cabin, and making love all the time."

"I like that second part a lot." I kissed her forehead.

"Me too." Her voice was soft. _'I think I love you, Edward.'_ Her timid thought made me quiet and still.

I tightened my arms around her and whispered, "me too, Rose."

The next few days felt like we were living on borrowed time. I went out to find firewood , and came back and she was wearing a dress. She talked about all the different places we could go, and all the things she'd like to do with greater excitement. "We could travel across the country, and see all the sights. I've always wanted to see the Pacific Ocean, or travel on a luxury liner!"

"Whatever you want. But the luxury liner might have to wait until you don't need to hunt as often." Just saying it made me wonder how Carlisle had taken Esme aboard a ship. I was suddenly thinking about her. Esme. How did I ever think I was in love with her when she'd never even once looked at me as more than a friend, or just a boy? In looking back, I'd had the same regard for her as a schoolboy for a teacher. I had been so immature!

"What are you thinking?" She interrupted my thoughts, folding herself gracefully onto the edge of the bed beside me.

"I don't know if I should tell you or not. I feel pretty foolish now that I think about it."

"If it makes you feel foolish, then I"m sure I want to know!" She was being so cute and girlish. I was imagining liberating her from her clothes, and showing her how much I loved her.

"I was thinking about another woman." I smiled and her face fell. I was already feeling ashamed of teasing her. "It feels like a million years ago, and I thought I was in love with her. But now I know I wasn't."

""You weren't? How do you know?" I forgot how easily her confidence was shaken. I took her hand in mine and kissed it.

"Because I know the real thing now." It had been a while since I'd had to undress her, but it was something I hadn't forgotten. We made love passionately, and I knew she was trying to prove she was better than anyone else I could want. The girl was a force of nature, and I was in awe of her.

Afterward she wanted to know more about the woman I thought I loved. I told her about my infatuation with Esme, and I felt the little seed of jealousy start to grow in her mind.

"Don't do that." I looked into her bright eyes and kissed her mouth. "Don't be jealous – I'm yours, and she is a married woman who never gave me the time of day."

"But if she had..."

"Carlisle would have killed me!"

"He would have killed you, because you would have courted her... right?"

"Rose... I admit, I was infatuated... but it's nothing like what I feel for you!"

"But it could have been – if she had paid attention to you." There was no reasoning with her. I growled in frustration and kissed her – hard. I pulled her under me and made my intentions clear.

"I want_ you,_ Rose." I kissed her again, and touched her amazing body. "You are the one who fascinates me." I kissed a trail to the spot below her ear that made her squirm. "You are the one I can't get enough of." My hands were playing over her gently to get the response I knew how to elicit. "And you Rose, are the one I love." I said it and stared down at her, feeling her mind grappling with my admission.

All the talk of Esme was forgotten as we built up slowly to making love. I held her, kissed her, touched every inch of her skin, let my tongue travel to all her most secret and sensitive spots. Every time I looked at her I would whisper, "I love you," and every time she responded, with a smile, a kiss, or a hitch in her breathing. And I heard her mental answer,_ 'I love you too.' _ When we made love, she was all mine and I thought she would be mine forever.

Two days later we had visitors. We were just a day away from departing on our own and making our way across the country. I heard them in time, and we were able to get dressed, and even then they were polite enough to knock on the door of the little cabin.

I was beyond nervous when I opened the door. Carlisle and Esme were both on the doorstep. The cabin was small, so we came outside instead of inviting them inside. At one look at Rose, Esme squealed and threw her arms around her.

"Oh you poor thing, I've been so worried about you! We've been looking for you both for weeks, and it was only by chance we caught up to you." She pulled back and hugged me the same way, and I could tell Rose was feeling overwhelmed and confused, and the tiny jealousy sprout withered in the face of Esme's exuberant kindness and concern. "I told Carlisle it was wrong to leave you two alone during all that suffering. I wanted so much just to hold your hand and soothe you. I remember how bad it was for me, and I'm so sorry."

Carlisle looked at me sternly, and I read his thoughts loud and clear. He knew about the murders, and he was very displeased with us. The amount of attention they'd gained in Rochester made him fearful the Volturi would become involved. The only comfort was that none of the bodies had been bitten.

"How long were you planning to hide from me?" He looked at us both, but his question was directed at me.

"We weren't hiding from you..." I answered, trying to think of a polite explanation for what we'd been doing. He was so disappointed in me, it hurt.

"Maybe I didn't want to go back and live with the man who turned me into an abomination against my will!" She was angry, and she wasn't afraid of him. "Edward and I are leaving tomorrow for the West Coast. At least he cares about what _I _want. He's been showing me how to get used to being a walking corpse, thanks to you!" She wasn't just angry, she was furious – she was glorious!.

"Oh please don't go!" It was Esme, coming to stand between us, with sadness etched on her lovely face. "We've looked so long for you, and now that we've found you, please don't leave!" There in her head was the fear of losing her family – again. She'd cast us as her children, though thankfully we were no longer young children in her eyes. "Oh Rosalie, please come home. I'm desperate to have another woman around, and it's so lonely without Edward." She'd taken her hands in her own, and her amber eyes held Rose's crimson gaze with open longing. "_Please." _She looked at Carlisle, almost panicked.

"Carlisle, tell them it's okay. I want my family home with me, I don't care what they've done, we need to stay together." She looked between us. "Oh please come home, we'll make it work out, I promise. Carlisle wants to move away from Rochester... because of the killings. Don't make me go without you. We'll find a new place, big enough for all of us... and we can get a bright new piano for you, Edward. And anything you want Rosalie...just say you'll come with us. Let's keep our family together."

It hurt to see such a good woman reduced to begging. I could see Rose would be happy to live with Esme, but she didn't want anything to do with Carlisle. She had killed the ones who'd left her to die, and now there was only Carlisle, whom she blamed for finishing what they'd started. Esme wanted me to talk sense into her, Carlisle wanted to know why she was so angry with him, and Rose wanted to know how I felt on the whole matter. One at a time, three sets of eyes turned my way, and I was bombarded with silent questions.

"Enough... _please!_" I met their eyes and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling overwhelmed. I looked at my Rose, and took her hand. "I'd like to try, Rose... if you think you can." She looked at me for a long moment, then nodded. Esme smiled irrepressibly. Carlisle shot a silent warning to me; _'absolutely no more killing!'_

It only took minutes to gather our things from the cabin, and truly we were leaving it in better condition than we'd found it. I was surprised how little time it took to make it back to civilization. It felt like I'd been gone a lifetime.

Carlisle and Esme had already begun packing up the house, preparing to move, and with our help it took only a couple more days. They purchased another house in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, near Tennessee. It was more remote than we were currently living, and I realized Carlisle was trying to keep us away from people as much as possible. Most of his furnishings were packed up and shipped by train. Before we left, Rose insisted on seeing her parents one more time. We went at dusk and she peeked in the windows at them for an hour, before they went to bed and I held her in her sadness.

In the days of packing and moving everyone was walking on eggshells. Rose and Carlisle tried to stay out of one another's way, and Esme did all she could to make Rose feel welcome. I tried to navigate between all their expectations. For the most part, Rose and I hid our intimate relationship. I'm sure Carlisle guessed, but Esme was quite happy not to notice.

It was a time in history when an unmarried woman would be considered a whore for what we'd been doing. Even without worrying about human conventions, I wanted to spare my Rose the stigma. We looked like a couple, always holding hands, but I made sure I didn't even kiss her while anyone was looking. Every night we would steal off into the woods, and satiate our desires. It was only because Esme and Carlisle were so busy with their own private moments that we were able to leave relatively unnoticed.

It seemed that the only time I saw the real Rose was when we were alone. As we laid out under the stars, she was sweet and loving, and a joy to behold. I craved her with a need that rivaled our need for blood. It surprised me how she was able to mask so much of her personality from the casual observer. If not for my ability, I might have believed her to be a completely different woman. In public she was prim and proper and she treated me with cool indifference. But as soon as we were alone, she was passion and hunger, and clothes tore and buttons flew in our haste to just get at one another.

The night before we left was no different, and we were barely out of hearing range of the house before I pulled her hard against me and smothered her mouth with my own. I missed our days of being naked all the time as I fought not to ruin her dress in my haste. The sight of her never failed to stir me, and even before I'd peeled her from her stockings, we were joined.

No matter how carried away I became, Rose always met me in the moment, fully engaged. Even in my rush to make love, she was just as ardent as we tumbled to the ground in a frenzy only our kind can sustain. Kissing, touching, tasting, clutching, squeezing, and clinging, I was in her and we were as one, both striving for the moments of bliss we'd waited for all day long. And I loved her; loved her in my desperation to be with her, loved her in that I would lay down my life – indeed my eternity – for her if she asked.

And still I longed to hear the words fall from her lips. Over and over in her mind the cadence of _'I love you' _played like a song – like a heartbeat. I knew she felt it, and I of course told her often of my love, since she needed to hear it. But she'd never voiced the words. I waited for the day when she would feel secure and healed enough to say those precious words to me.

In their absence we made love. Several times in the dark of the night, I claimed the blossom that bloomed in the light of the moon and stars – my Rose. She was my world.

When we left Rochester and drove south, it was quiet in the car. Rose and Carlisle only spoke to one another when absolutely necessary, and I could feel the frost of her words. Carlisle was at a loss on how to reach her, and he often felt guilty for changing her. I knew from her thoughts that she had lumped him in with the men who had violated her, even though she knew on some level he was only trying to save her.

In the time we traveled, Esme chatted about the new house. She had wallpaper patterns picked out for the rooms, as well as curtains and bedding. She briefly engaged Rose in talk about how her room would look, asking questions about her favorite colors and styles. In her mind, Esme planned for the two of us to have our own rooms, and I could tell Carlisle was amused, thinking we would likely end up together in one. He was thinking we should get married, so we could stop sneaking off in the night. He knew everything without anyone telling him.

When we arrived, the house enchanted the women. It was a large rambling farm house, with many rooms for children. When they discovered the nursery, the two women clung together in their mutual sadness. Esme confided to Rose about her lost infant, and in those moments they became friends.

From that connection, they also shared their experiences of abusive men, and I learned that Rose had seen a foreshadowing of Royce's mean-spirited personality. I was in a different room helping Carlisle place books on shelves, but I could hear their thoughts. I hated that she had endured his slaps, and the rough way he put his hands on her. She'd been so desperate to become a wife and mother, she'd been willing to overlook his aggression.

For days we worked on unpacking and putting the house in order. We had the advantage of strength and that we could work through the night, and it didn't take long for it to become a home. I imagined living there for quite some time, and I planned to ask Rose to marry me as soon as we felt settled.

Late at night in our first week, not long after we'd returned to the house from our nighttime tryst, there was a banging at the door. A desperate man was standing on our threshold. He needed a doctor, since his wife was giving birth. Carlisle had just barely begun to establish his presence in the area, but the man was grateful to find him ready and willing to help. As he gathered up what he'd need, he looked at Rose.

"I want you to come with me. She has two other children and I need someone to help me, who won't faint at the sight of blood." I knew he was confident she wouldn't be overcome with temptation. I also knew he wanted her to see the pain and suffering of childbirth, to help her get over her feelings of being deprived of the experience. I could tell how nervous she was, but the man waiting in the entryway was twisting his hat into a shapeless wreck, and his obvious fear made her decide to go. They followed his truck down the little dirt road, and Esme and I didn't see them again until the next night.

I heard the car, and I rushed out to meet her. The change her was immediately noticeable. He opened her door for her, and she laughed up at him as he took her hand in gentlemanly fashion. She came to me and threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. Her thoughts were a whirlwind, and I saw some of their shared experiences. I turned with her to go into the house, but instead she pulled me away.

"We're going for a walk – it's such a lovely night." It was for Esme's benefit alone, and she almost skipped along the road holding my hand. As soon as we were out of sight, she pulled me into the woods, and we raced to the little clearing we'd discovered, with a stream that meandered nearby. We eagerly fell into each other's arms and tumbled to the ground. But her thoughts were racing, and not toward making love – yet.

"Edward, it was amazing!" The words just poured out of her in a torrent. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. It took so long, and she was in so much pain, but in the end it was beautiful, and she had this whole new _life._ It was so scary and and she cried and screamed since Carlisle had to turn the baby while it was inside her, but he really knew what he was doing. He was so good to her, and so kind... I've never seen anyone with that kind of patience. He comforted her, and soothed her with his cool hands. And when she was afraid, he reassured her that it was going to be alright.

"Oh and that poor girl! She's just my age, and now she has three little children. And they were so _needy. _ Their mother was in the pain of childbirth, and they needed feeding and changing, and comforting... and her husband had no idea how to help. He had to leave for work in the factory not even an hour after we arrived. She would have been alone if we hadn't been there – alone with a toddler and a one year old. I fed them and rocked them and comforted them when she screamed. And Carlisle was wonderful with them all. While we waited for her time, he played games with the toddler, and rocked the little one to sleep.

"I remember the pain of being violated. But she suffered so much more. Her whole body was just twisted in agony, and when Carlisle decided the baby needed to be turned... oh it was just awful! I held her hand, and tried to comfort her, but he had to push on her stomach to make the baby turn, and it was rough."

I saw the images in her head, and wished I could turn them off. The girl was bathed in sweat and incoherent with the pain. It reminded me of my mother when she was sick and dying. We both were actually, but I remembered seeing her as she burned with fever and struggled for each breath. That I suffered the same didn't matter as much. Rose's thoughts took me back there, and I briefly drifted from her story.

"... and it was another baby boy, and she was so happy." She kissed me then, and smiled brightly. "I'm so glad I was there. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I've been so consumed with having babies and being a mother, and I never understood how _hard _it would be. Not just giving birth, but raising them afterward. That girl has three little ones who need her. They don't just need her sometimes, but all the time. I almost felt sorry for her since her husband wasn't there to help."

She stared at me intently. "It would have been a mistake for me to have children at my age. Even now, I know I'm not ready to... give over my life to someone else like that." My heart fell. I wanted her to give over her life to me.

With her spirits so buoyed, she came to me with fire and playfulness. Her desire was so strong, and I was carried along on her passionate tide. I hid my disappointment at her desire for independence, and tried to be satisfied with what she gave me. And all the while I murmured my "I love you"s to her silence. A tiny fear began in me that we were moving backward and not forward. I wanted 'I love you,' and a commitment of forever, and she couldn't say it and couldn't do it. I knew I just needed to be patient.

The weeks after the birth was peaceful. Rose and Carlisle's differences were reconciled, and she and Esme were on good terms. We were a family. I was happy, still dreaming about marrying her when the time was right. I enjoyed sneaking off with her, but I longed to be openly affectionate with her around Carlisle and Esme.

One afternoon we were painting a ceiling, trying to keep from making a mess of the job. Esme was finishing the trim in another room, and I pulled Rose into my arms and kissed her lips. She was startled and nervously looked Carlisle's way, only to find him smiling. I kissed her again, longer and deeper than I would have ever dared before. We both heard him laughing.

"I'm so glad things have worked out between you two. You don't know how long I thought I'd made a mistake in changing you." He was talking to her, and it was good to see his cheerful smile. "I really hoped you two would bond during your transformation. I had no idea you'd become attached to one another over killing." A shadow crossed his face, and I felt a wave of his guilt. "Still, I just knew you would make a beautiful couple, and now look at you!" He smiled at me, and I smiled back, running my hands through her hair and pulling her close.

And then it hit me; she was upset. No, she was extremely upset by something he'd said. "Carlisle... why did you... why did you change me? I mean Rochester is a big city, and I'm sure there were many people in the hospital who were facing death. So why me? What made you want to change me out of all the others?" Oh her mind was quick! She looked at his startled face and began to add up everything she knew, and draw conclusions that were making her angry.

"Rose please... it doesn't matter now." I tried to distract her, I wanted to calm the storm I saw gathering in her head.

"You knew!" She turned those blazing eyes on me in accusation. "He... he changed me into this... this shell of a woman, because of _you!_ He didn't want you to be a threat to his marriage. He didn't want you to look on his wife with lust, so he gave you a distraction. He made me to be your... plaything!"

Her eyes turned to his horrified face. "Give the boy a pretty new toy to play with... is that all I was to you?" She pulled at her hair in her distress. "Of course that's it... I should have known, that's all I've ever been to every man who's ever laid eyes on me! I'm just something to play with. I'm just something to keep a man amused... something to take care of his needs... something that doesn't deserve to be appreciated, or consulted, or even allowed to make my own choices!"

"Rose please..." I tried to take her in my arms, but she pulled away angrily.

"Don't 'Rose please' me. You knew all along what his plan was. Were you ever going to tell me that I was created for your pleasure? Or were you just going to keep using me and hope I never found out?"

"It was never like that. I'm not using you, I love you!" She was killing me with her horrified look, and all the poisoned thoughts in her head. She saw it as betrayal.

"You_ love_ me? You _fornicate _with me – as I'm sure you were meant to. But you keep it a secret so it doesn't affect your first love. All along you've been lying with me and lying_ to_ me as well. You had me believing that I was changed as some selfless effort to save my life. And you went out of your way to show me that I was more than just a girl who was brutalized. But all along, that's all I've ever been.

"Congratulations on making me into your own personal whore! I guess that's all I'm good for now, since I can't be a daughter, or a mother, or a teacher, or anything I ever dreamed. I am such a fool, I went along with it. Well, no more. I'm leaving, and I don't ever want to see any of you again!"

She was wearing pants for the work we were doing, and I wished she was in a dress to slow her down. She turned and fled, and I was right behind her, but she was so fast. I cut across a bend in the road, and caught up with her about a mile away. I had to tackle her to the ground to get her to stop. She came up fighting, and it was all I could do to hold onto her.

"Rose please, calm down and talk to me. I'm begging you... I love you!" If I had tears I would have been crying. She was breaking me – shredding me into little pieces.

"Get off me, Edward." Her words were so cold. I wanted to hold onto her, but I couldn't hold her that way, knowing what she'd suffered at the hands of her fiance.

"Please don't go..." I got up and offered my hand, which she ignored as she got to her feet.

"How can I stay? I feel so... _dirty. _ I can't believe I played right into his sick little set up. I feel like I'm part of the Bible story where Leah is foisted onto Jacob when he really wanted her sister Rachael. Leah didn't have a choice, but I do."

I reached out and took hold of her arm. "That's not really what this is about, is it Rose? You're angry with Carlisle, but you're leaving _me._ You've been angry with him before, and you didn't leave. What's changed? Why now?"

She spun on me with a snarl. "You're right. This is just scratching the surface of what's wrong. I can't do this Edward. It's bad enough knowing the whole reason why I am this way, but to know you _knew about it._... and didn't tell me." Her face softened momentarily. "I thought I could love you. I thought I could stay with you and make a life with you, but now... I just can't trust you."

Her beautiful face twisted into a mask of pain. "It hurts too much. I understand why you didn't tell me, but we're so unequal, Edward. You know me so well. I don't have a thought you can't read. You keep telling me that you don't hear every thought, but I know you do. You've been lying to me all along. That might work for Carlisle and Esme, but I needed you to be honest with me, and not just try to make me feel more comfortable around you." She shook her head sadly.

"I've been so mislead by men... Royce wasn't the first, he was only the worst. I've always been pretty, even before I knew how it made men want me. I've had boyfriends pursue me, fight over me, and make promises to me. And not one ever kept those promises. Not one ever let me see what was real. I need that, Edward. And even if you could be that man, I don't trust you now."

"I thought you loved me." I felt so empty, as she took everything I had and it wasn't enough.

She put her hand on my face and smiled sadly. "I don't even _know _you, Edward."

"You know all that matters. I've never told you a lie, Rose."

"Yes you have, they've just been lies of omission, and lies about your ability."

"You know me better than anyone. I love you... I'll tell you anything you want to know." I was ready to plead, but it wasn't working. I sought her mind for just one thought I could hold on to; just one idea to give me hope.

"You're reading me, even now. You're trying to find something in my head you can use to make me stay. It's no wonder I felt so strongly for you, you can be exactly what I want just by tapping into my thinking. You use my thoughts against me."

"I read your thoughts to understand you better. Then we don't have to fight over little misunderstandings."

"But I never get to know you as well. I don't even have to talk to you, because you can pull the thoughts from my head. But did you realize, you don't talk to me either? We make love, but we can spend hours together and you won't say a word. At first I thought it was peaceful and comfortable, but it was just you closing yourself off."

"No... it was me enjoying the quiet. When we made love, for just a little while my mind was silent. It's a gift you gave me, and I treasured it." I realized I was already speaking like she was gone. "Please... if you have to leave, then take me with you. I'll follow you anywhere."

"No. I can't do this Edward. I need... I need to figure out what it is I need." She laughed bitterly. "I've gone from one man to another, and I need time to decide what matters to me. I can't just keep trying to become what the man in my life wants me to be. Especially with you Edward, because you're doing the same thing." She looked so confused.

"Have you noticed, we don't even know what to do with each other when we're not making love? I mean without clothes, we're amazing together." My grin matched hers for just a second. "I still don't know if that's your mind reading, or if we really are that good together. I almost wish I could be content with a 'you Tarzan, me Jane,' kind of life. Our time in the woods was beautiful. I'll always remember you, since you were my first lover. But..."

"No please... please don't say it Rose. I can't let you go. I 'll do anything... _anything_." It took my last shred of self-respect to keep from falling on my knees and clinging to her feet.

"Goodbye Edward. Take care of yourself." And then she was gone, running with her newborn strength and speed out of my life. And I collapsed where she'd left me. Broken.


	5. Chapter 5 Forsaken, Forlorn, Forgotten

Chapter 5

Forsaken, Forlorn, Forgotten

I felt pain. My body couldn't be hurt, my heart no longer beat, and I felt horrible, unending, pain. My world emptied and left me useless and wasted, in tatters on the ground. I longed for the burning of my creation – to at least feel hope that it would end. The cataclysmic emptiness echoed all I had lost... she's gone... she's gone... she's gone.

He found me there. I was carried back home... the home where she no longer lived. In a room with fresh paint and new wallpaper, and sunshine through sheer curtains. I lay curled up like a child in the center of the previously unnecessary bed. Dead.

Carlisle questioned, and Esme cajoled... irritating buzzing in my ears and in my mind. "She's gone," was all I could say. Carlisle said "hunt." Esme said "eat," but I was dead. I lost track of the days, lying in the same sodden clothes I'd been brought home in. He stripped me and carried me to the shower. I remembered playing with her in the rain. He washed me and carried me back and dressed me. She combed my hair and made my bed around me. The hunger grew, and I willed it to take me. Please let me fade away.

There was a knock on the door. Carlisle answered, and I was acutely aware of the visitors. Not the voices, nor even the thoughts, but the scents... the heartbeats... the _blood._ I was wrenched from death by the need. I saw them... female and her offspring... weak and helpless... ripe. I would have had them both, but Carlisle shut the door and stood between them and me. In a tiny part of my mind I still knew right from wrong, and I turned and fled through the back door.

Even weakened, I was still the fiercest predator, and I didn't need to go far to feed. I remembered hunting with her, and I curled against the fading warmth of the deer and pressed my face against the soft fur, and mourned. I didn't want him to have to come and find me, so I walked back home. I sat in a chair and watched the road through the front window. I waited for her to come back. I fed when the need demanded, and I waited.

She didn't come back.

A truck came with a large delivery. The need was small, so I watched the road. The truck left, empty. A loud discordant noise disturbed my own emptiness. I left the chair and went to where she stood smiling. Esme touched the keys again, more gently, and I noticed it for the first time. It was a grand piano.

"I promised you a new piano, Edward. Do you like it?" I stared at the monstrosity, and her thoughts were begging and pleading for me to like it.

"I like it." My voice sounded hollow in my ears. "Thank you." I was about to turn and go back to my watching seat, but the hopeful look on her face made me pause. _'Oh I hope he plays something – anything.'_ I sat down on the bench. I tapped one low note in a repetitive heartbeat... she's gone... she's gone... she's gone...

Esme grew frightened and pulled my hand away from the keys. "Please dear... play something musical. Play the one you wrote for me." I gazed at her and I almost laughed. I'd once thought I'd loved her. Esme's rejection had never hurt me like my Ro...no, please don't even think it. _Rose._

I played. Minor keys and solemn chords. The sound of the instrument echoed through the house. Esme watched me, so troubled by my sadness. Sad... she thought I was merely _sad. _ I stopped playing._ She _never heard me play... would she have stayed? No. I went back and sat by the window. I watched the road.

Two weeks later Carlisle made me go with him. We drove for an hour til we came to a large town. There was a hospital where he sometimes worked. In one wing of the hospital there were rows of patients in beds. I hated being there since it reminded me of losing my parents. He lead me through the rows and we stood beside the bed of a girl. She was pretty and her blond curls touched her shoulders.

"This is Sadie. She's been here for two days since the car she was riding in, hit a tree and she was thrown out." He took my arm and lead me away, speaking quietly. "They don't expect her to wake up, and she's only seventeen. I could change her... if you want me to..." He looked at me, and I knew all I needed to do was say yes, and Sadie would be coming home with us – for me. I was horrified.

"Rose wasn't a dog that you can replace with a new puppy. I love her. Could you replace Esme with Sadie?" I walked out and left him there. I'd walked a mile down the road before he pulled alongside me to take me home.

"I apologize... that was wrong of me." I rode back home in silence, even though I heard his thoughts. He thought since I was so young, a pretty young girl could take my mind off of her. He thought I'd only wanted Rose for physical companionship. "I'm worried about you Edward. I just don't know what to do to help you through this." He was actually relieved not to have changed Sadie.

Back at home I stopped watching the road. I took long walks, up and down the road. I walked dozens of miles each day, and at night I played the noisy monstrosity. Carlisle brought me music books and sheet music, and I learned how to read music and play what others had written. Esme would sit and listen to me play, but eventually even she tired of the hours I spent on the bench seat, playing the pieces until I had them each flawless.

That's exactly how I was six months after she left – when she came back. We all heard her before she even knocked on the door. I heard her voice, and I thought I was imagining it. She called out loudly to Carlisle, and the three of us rushed to the door, expectantly. She came through the doorway awkwardly. Her feet were bare, and she wore pants, and her hair was tangled with leaves and twigs. She was half naked, and covered in blood – his blood.

She carried a man in her arms – more like the corpse of a man from the look of him. She had used her shirt to roughly bandage him, and I barely heard a heartbeat. He wouldn't last more than an hour. She laid him on the floor and looked up at Carlisle with pleading eyes. "Will you change him?"

It was as if I wasn't even there. She hadn't even looked at me, and even her thoughts were completely on the man she'd brought with her. Esme fled from the bleeding, lest she attack him, and Carlisle was the one to look my way. I heard his thoughts, asking what I thought he should do.

"Please Carlisle, he was attacked by a bear. You know he won't live if he's not changed – please don't let him die! I would do it myself, but I'm afraid of tasting his blood." She knew I was there. She'd seen me, and she couldn't face me.

The man was still bleeding. I'd fed recently, and I still wanted to feed from him. Esme was afraid to come back into the room with him. His blood oozed out onto the floor, and his heartbeat weakened. He didn't even have an hour; he was such a mess. His face looked torn off, and both eyes were damaged. His right arm was mangled, and both legs had been clawed to the bone. His stomach was bitten and I imagined a bear picking him up and shaking him; though it would have to have been an enormous bear, since he was a big man. About the only thing that wasn't a gory mess was the top of his head, where his dark curls fell across his forehead.

No! I looked at him closely, then moved around Carlisle to scrabble onto the floor along-side him. I reached out and pulled a flap of skin away and saw his blue eye staring. I jumped back in horror, and my eyes flew to hers. I knew. And she knew I knew.

"How could you? Did you bring him back here to taunt me, Rose? My god, you couldn't hurt me any worse if you tried. Tell him Rose, and be honest_ – _god knows how you value your precious _honesty._ Tell him how you brought this man here, not so he can save his life, but so he can make you your _perfect mate._ TELL HIM!" I'd never ever thought of striking a woman, but I curled my fist, and I wanted to hit her even as she knelt next to the bleeding man.

I could sense the reluctance in Carlisle. Rose herself had put the doubts in his head. "Please Carlisle. I had a chance to ask him if he wanted this, and he does. He's agreed, and I'll..." She glanced sidelong at me. "...I'll watch over him and take care of him. I'll take responsibility for him." She wanted him to be hers, in the same way Carlisle had put her into my care. Carlisle didn't want to hurt me. He was prepared to let him bleed to death if it meant I might have Rose back.

I looked at her with a small smile of triumph. "Carlisle won't change him because _he _doesn't want to see me hurt. But the damage is already done, isn't it Rose? You went off and found your perfect man. I only wonder why you didn't bite him yourself. Afraid you wouldn't be able to stop? Were you afraid of draining him dry, and being alone with a broken heart? That would be _tragic,_ " I sneered. With anger, bitterness, and heartbreak tearing through me, I leaned over him and fastened my mouth onto his throat. She screamed.

For several minutes she tried to pull me away from him, while I tasted his life's blood. It was a vicious tug of war, and even if she won, she'd lose. She stopped and begged Carlisle to help save him. I heard his thoughts. Not Carlisle, but the man who was so near death he couldn't even struggle. I saw bright images of a good and wholesome youth, and the last image I saw as he faded was of an angel. It was a glimpse of Rose. I let go while he still had a sliver of life within him. I stood up, licking the blood from my lips.

She came at me, hitting me and screaming in rage, fear, and pain. I laughed at her. It felt good to feel something other than pain. "You can stop with the hysterics, he's still alive. Then again in a few minutes he's going to wish he wasn't. You can thank me later... better yet, you can thank me now." I pulled her into my arms, and held her tight, with my hand clutching her hair. Then I kissed her. I shoved my tongue in her mouth, sharing the taste of his blood with her. My hands moved over her bare back, and for just a second she yielded to me, reveling in the taste of the blood, and I felt her teeter on the brink of surrender.

Then he screamed. I broke the kiss and pushed her away from me. I made a detour through my room to change out of my bloody clothes before I left the house. I heard his shrieks as I began the long trek to find the end of the road.

I walked for several days and nights before I turned around to head home. I was alone with my own thoughts. I didn't like it. I've never really been alone, except for when Carlisle and Esme were gone. And even then I sought to fill my days and hours with noise and people. As far back as I could remember there had always been someone with me in some way. I had friends, family, classmates, parents, and even my first taste of puppy love. I didn't do anything by myself by choice, and I never really liked solitude. Even when I was reading I liked being near people. I played baseball in the summer, and football in the fall, and I even tried the new sport of basket ball. I wasn't interested in solo pursuits.

I _really _didn't like being alone. I never wondered why until I was on the long walk down the road. I hated the thoughts that flitted through my head like manic dragonflies. All along the road I felt the need to take my own inventory. It's what my silent mind got up to when there were no distractions. I always found fault with myself in such rare encounters.

No wonder Rose didn't want me... I was so... _me._ I wasn't really muscular or traditionally handsome. I didn't have a quick wit or a winning sense of humor. I didn't excel at academics, and I wasn't very well-read or well-traveled. I was average. I was forgettable. If I had never been changed I would have died in mediocrity, just another boring name on a tombstone.

Even with all the supernatural abilities, there were still big holes in the way I related to people. Rose was right, I hardly ever talked to her. I had loved the thoughts that flowed like spring water through her mind, but I didn't know how to give back to her. She shared a real dream with me, and I made something up because I couldn't remember a single dream. She shared all the horrors of the attack, and her death and the change. I think all I'd said was that I died of influenza.

Mother always excused me, saying still waters run deep. But even if that were true, I was the one who'd lost Rose. She came back... but she'd never be mine. I could see it in her eyes, and read it in her mind, when she knelt beside the man.

The whole story was there for me to read. She'd done more than rescue him, she'd followed him for days, observing him. I knew from his memory, he'd seen her. His mind defined her as an angel as she sparkled in the sunlight with her blond hair billowing around her. His memories were now tied up with mine.

And if I could read him, she was an open book. She'd toyed with him, enjoying his look, his build and the way he swaggered along the trail with his thirty pound pack. She was infatuated, and her teasing brought out a sense of humor in him as he joked to himself about sprites and will-o-wisps. He was confident and comfortable in his own skin. She entertained thoughts of being with him. He was her type, and I never knew how strong that inclination was within her.

I knew a secret she didn't want me to know, and that was that she allowed the attack to happen. She saw the bear, and she didn't warn him. She could have easily attacked the bear and saved him, but she didn't. She could hide the truth from Carlisle, but she couldn't hide it from me. She wanted him at deaths door so she could save him, and change him. But she had been in the presence of so much blood and she'd barely kept control, even without biting him.

She carried him over the miles, and he'd done what I apparently never did enough. He talked to her. He told her it was okay if he died. He'd lived a good life and had many adventures. He did say he wasn't ready to give up, and that he had a lot of adventures he'd still like to experience. And he told her it was okay if the doctor couldn't save his eyes since he'd already seen an angel, and nothing else could ever live up to the beauty. He couldn't see her, and he didn't realize that his angel was the one who was holding him. Even broken and bleeding he'd romanced her with his words.

On the way back I had to think about what I'd do when I had to face them again. I thought about fighting for her, but I knew I wouldn't. It wasn't her beauty that had so captivated me, and it wasn't even the passion we'd shared. What had so captured me was her willingness to love me – plain, ordinary Ed Masen, who'd become Edward Cullen, a dazzling, powerful supernatural creature on the outside, who was still just the same ordinary man on the inside.

It was her moments of self doubt, her insecurities, and her vulnerability in the face of her stunning beauty that had enraptured me. It's what I'd identified with, and the part of her I'd loved the most. If she didn't love me... there was just no point in holding on. If all she saw was Ed Masen, and I saw all her flaws as well, then it's no wonder she wanted the man who perceived her as an angel.

It took me three days to make it back from nowhere, and I began to dismantle my love for her. Just like what I'd felt for Esme, I knew it would eventually change. Unfortunately it was going to take time. It still hurt, and thoughts of her still consumed me. I knew in the time I'd been gone, that the man had likely gone through his change. I was tortured with thoughts of them together. Was she making love with him even as I walked? Did they laugh about how foolish I'd been? Did she tell him how much better he was than me?

The thoughts eviscerated me, and there were times I couldn't even go on. There were times the pain was so raw, I ran into the quiet woods and wailed with anger and grief. I wished for the strength to go on alone, but it wasn't within me. I still needed them.

I knew I was close to home because I could smell our hunting routes. I needed to hunt, and I crept into the woods, trying to pick up a scent. It was late in the fall, and occasionally I smelled the trail of human hunters. I smelled a new trail and followed an unknown quarry. I heard the sounds and fell into a crouch in the underbrush. Voices. My Rose...no, just Rose, and her new man. My replacement. I begged myself to turn and go home. Instead I crept forward on hands and knees, keeping the wind in my favor. I saw them, relaxing in an overgrown field. They had a blanket spread, and I was surprised and relieved to see they were both still dressed.

Then I heard her laugh, high and carefree, and it sliced through me. His laughter was deep and mellow, and I was instantly jealous. I could see her, sitting in the sun, under a straw bonnet. Her dress was white, and she still wore her stockings and shoes. Her hair was restrained in a complicated twist just beneath the hat.

She wasn't _my _Rose, she was_ his _Rose.

He was reclined back on the blanket, gazing up at her with a silly smile on his handsome face. I wanted to hate him – he was everything I wasn't. I was surprised at how well he'd healed – even his eyes were perfect. I inched closer, until I could hear what they were saying, and especially what they were thinking.

"...I never knew angels came to earth, until I opened my eyes and saw you, Rosalie." He reached out and touched her hand. "I have no name: I am but two days old. What shall I call thee? I happy am, Joy is my name. Sweet joy befall thee!"He was quoting William Blake, as if he were the first to ever say the lines! I wanted to call him out as a fraud, but I'd have to reveal myself.

"William Blake might have said it better, but I'm sure he never had as much inspiration as I have. Rosalie... you are a woman beyond compare. You're so... perfect, I can't believe you saved me. I'll be forever grateful. I wish I was a poet. I would write for days about the sound of your laughter, and still never do it justice. She laughed again, as if to pay tribute to his compliment.

His thoughts were so easy to read. He was already head over heels in love with her. But he didn't even know her. That prim female wasn't Rose. Rose was passion, fire, and excitement. She was unrestrained, and spontaneous, and womanly. The girl sitting there laughing at his commentary was a washed out imposter. My Rose would be barefoot, and probably wearing my clothes, if she wore anything at all. And she wouldn't be laughing, she'd be crying out in ecstasy. And I certainly wouldn't be wasting time quoting poetry to her when I could be making love with her. Was that what she really wanted? Ridiculous!

Her thoughts weren't as pure as she looked, in her white dress. She wanted him to kiss her. She wanted him to put his hands on her. She wanted him to pledge his eternal love – all the things I had done. How had I been so wrong about her? She gazed at him. She longed to run her fingers through his curls. She still remembered his blue eyes, and in her thoughts that's how he still looked. She wanted him, and knowing that gave me something in common with Calvin, the man whose chest she'd crushed with her hand. I was crushed by her growing desire for the raven haired poet.

He liked that she was so feminine. The girls he'd grown up with were so plain and coarse in comparison. He loved the ruffles and lace, and the stockings and bonnets. She was a beautiful girl in a fancy package, and he liked the packaging as much as the girl. To him she looked like his little sister's porcelain doll. In his most daring of thoughts, he imagined freeing her hair from it's pins so he could touch it. She was pure and innocent in his mind.

I couldn't stand any more, I left them there and ran the rest of the way home. I was greeted by Esme's warm welcome. She wrapped me in her arms and held me for a while, murmuring how happy she was that I'd come back. "I've missed you so much Edward. I was so worried about you, but Carlisle wouldn't go look for you, and Rose..." She stopped talking. I pulled away from her, and I knew she was sorry for causing me pain. I also knew that Carlisle was away at the little hospital.

I went to the only refuge I knew now – the piano. I played all the pieces that had been too lively before. I played with fury, vengeance and a speed most humans couldn't attempt. My hands flew over the keys, and the hammer strikes on strings were almost enough to blot out the sounds of my mind. Almost, but not quite.

'You're not good enough for her. You're not man enough for her. He's better looking. He's funnier than you. He's bigger, stronger, and even taller than you. And you know when they make love, he will be...' I pounded the keys, forcing the thought and image from my mind. I knew I couldn't be anywhere nearby when they made love. I knew I would hear it, or see it in their minds. If his thoughts were any indication, I had a long time before that happened. But I knew her, and she wouldn't wait that long. I played with a softer touch. I needed to think about where I could go and what I could do.

When they came back it was just becoming dark. They looked startled to see me. Esme came between us and made the uncomfortable introductions. His name was Emmett McCarty, and he was a Tennessee native. He shook my hand firmly and smiled wide. He launched into a story about how he had worked on the railroad in this area. He was going to be difficult to hate.

I looked at the spot on his neck where I'd bitten him, and there was a very faint scar. I smiled. "Oh, you noticed my scar. You know it's funny, that bear laid into me and tore me to pieces. But everything healed except for the one little scar where Doctor Carlisle bit me; it's the strangest thing."

"Carlisle bit you?" I tried not to sound surprised.

"Well, I don't recall, but Rosalie told me he's a regular biting fiend – he got you, Esme, her and me. I feel rather lucky, myself. I've always enjoyed hunting, and now I can go without even needing a bow or a gun. And no bears will catch me off guard again. Hmm... wonder what bear tastes like?" He grinned at his comments and I could see he imagined going hunting with me.

"Excuse me... Emmett. But speaking of hunting, I'm quite hungry, and I think I'm going to go out for a while." I glared at her over his shoulder as I headed for the door.

Outside in the dark I headed for the trees. In minutes she followed me, and I kept just ahead of her, since she had the dress to contend with and I didn't care to slow down. When I stopped, I was in our little clearing, listening to the stream gurgling in the crisp night air. The thought in her head told me she remembered it.

"What do you want, Rose?" I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to listen to her, and I certainly didn't want to see her in the moonlight the way I remembered her.

"We need to talk, Edward."

"No, as you accused me when you left, you don't need to talk, since I'm reading all of your thoughts." The bitterness was plain in my voice. "So, what do you want to talk about? The new man you had turned into a vampire just so you could have what you wanted? Or the lie you told him about his creator? Or maybe the lie you're presenting to him about being pure and chaste? Or the lie that I'm nothing more than your adopted brother? Or do you want to go into the lies about how you value honesty and truth? And maybe he'd like to know that you could have saved his life but decided for him that he would make a good – hmm what's that you called it – oh yes, walking corpse. You're a hypocrite Rose, and a liar. And for the life of me I can't understand why I loved you so much that it broke me when you left!"

We stared at each other. For just a second I saw fire and defiance in her eyes, then she turned away. She sat down as if exhausted and covered her face with her hands. "You're right. Oh Edward I'm so sorry." Her words were so soft and fragile. "I'm horrible. I deserve every mean thing you could say... but please don't." She looked up at me with her wide, beautiful eyes. "I know I deserve it, but don't hate me."

I had no idea how to deal with her like that. I stared at her, as she sat there in the crushed grasses where we used to make love. I burned with a need to take her. I felt it in every part of my body, and she saw it in my eyes. In her mind she knew what I was thinking. We'd been apart six long months, and before that we'd made love every night. And there she was, looking like every daydream I'd had while she was gone. I wanted her... but in her mind she thought to use my desire to bend my will. It was just the poison I needed.

"It's not going to work. I want you Rose..." I shook my head sadly. "...but not like this." She stood up and we were face to face again.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

"You're going to make me spell it out? Fine. I don't want you to tell him that we were lovers. I don't want you to tell him that it was you who changed him. And I don't want you to tell him that I could have saved him from the bear."

"Any other dirty little secrets you want me to keep? Maybe how you like to run naked through the woods, or how you like it when I put my mouth on you... there."

"No! I mean yes, I don't want you to tell him! All of it, Edward. I want it all kept secret. If he knew... I couldn't take it. He thinks I'm special. No one has ever thought I was special."

"No one but me, Rose."

"Oh god Edward... please. I want this so much. He doesn't know anything about me... and he wants to court me, and take his time... and get to know me... me. He's not trying to get me out of my clothes, and he doesn't want to put a notch on his belt."

"Is that what you think I did? You asked me, Rose."

"I know. I know what I did with you." She threw her hands in the air and paced . When she faced me again she was calm once more. "Don't tell him I was attacked."

"For crying out loud, Rose, just what kind of a tale do you want to tell? It's how you died. Or are you going to just say you fell down the stairs – who would believe that?"

"No. I've told him I was attacked. But I don't want him to know I was... violated. I don't want him to look at me that way." She looked at me as if willing me to understand. Don't you see, Edward? That's the whole point of all the lies. He looks at me like I'm just a pretty girl. He thinks I'm special, and sweet, and charming, and he likes me like that. It's what I was before the attack. He's never seen me broken and bleeding and afraid. He's never seen me bruised and naked and torn."

"But I have. Is that the real problem?"

"I didn't know it at the time. But I want to be that girl. I may not be able to have children, and maybe I won't be able to host dinner parties and charm my friends and contemporaries. But I don't want to have to give up everything I was. He can see what I used to be, before they took it all away. You never saw me like that."

"I saw you Rose. I liked the girl who ran barefoot through the woods. I liked the woman who wanted to make love underwater. I loved her. Are you telling me that wasn't really you?"

"It was. But we skipped over everything else. I was so shattered I just wanted to turn away from everything that had lead me to that point. But I'm better now, and I want to be... cherished."

"Didn't I cherish you? I told you all the time I loved you."

"You were trying to fix me. You always saw me as broken. Even when I left, you were afraid to hold onto me."

"But I promised I wouldn't hurt you. What was I supposed to do?"

She sighed. "I don't know how to explain this, Edward. We shared so much together, and we were so close. But I've only been with Emmett for three days, and I already know more about him than I did about you after we were together for months. You did all the right things, and you didn't hurt me. But you were so much in my head, I missed out on getting to know you. I really needed your intuition then. I needed to know I could still... be a woman to a man."

"So I had you when you were shattered and lost. I picked up the pieces and put you back together. I fell in love with you, and now he gets to have you all bright, shiny and new? You must really hate me Rose, and all I ever wanted was for you to love me."

"I could never hate you, Edward. You're right, you made me whole again. I love you for that." She reached out to touch me and I flinched away. "I'm so sorry, it's not fair to you. But I'm selfish, and there are just some things I really want in my life." She smiled shyly. "Emmett sees me the way I want to be. He doesn't know my past, and I want him to discover me a little at a time. I want to do everything in the right order this time. And he is already so dear to me.

"Edward please don't ruin this for me. Esme won't tell. She pretended she didn't know in the first place. And Carlisle promised he won't tell unless he's asked directly. I think that's why he went away for now." She looked ashamed of asking them to join her in the lies. I just stared at her. I wanted to hate her for what she was doing. She was sacrificing my love for her own happiness. She was giving me the very betrayal she'd feared from me, and she was asking me to go along with it.

'You don't deserve her,' my mind whispered. 'Better she set you aside now, than later when she finds out who you really are inside,' my doubts asserted in my head. 'Let her go, she can't love you,' my subconscious cajoled. It was already over, whether I agreed or not.

"I won't tell." I sighed deeply. I felt a piece of my soul wither away at the words that made her smile. It was the last gift I'd give the woman I loved. I'd dared to pick the rose, and come up bloodied from the thorns. What more could Ed Masen expect?

"Tell Esme... tell her whatever you want. You're good at making up excuses, and she's got a new son to replace me. I'm not going back. I might keep your secrets, but I'm not going to stick around and watch you give him everything I wanted from you. You go and have a nice life, Rose. I hope it's everything you wanted it to be, because I know what it cost." I turned and left her there.

I went to the hospital to say goodbye to Carlisle. We'd been together for so long, in his head I learned he'd rather have me in his family than her. He would have a hard time forgiving her for what she'd done. But he would rather have her with him than out on her own with Emmett. He tried to talk me out of leaving, but I could tell he was relieved that the conflict would be out of the house. He offered me money, and I refused. He hugged me before I left, and I hated that I was losing the best friend I'd ever had. I read his mind full of apologies, and promises to always be available if I needed him.

When I left, I had every intention of never seeing him again. It was another casualty of Rose's duplicity, and it put me on the road to getting past feeling warm and loving toward her. Still for the first few weeks I traveled I had many conversations with her in my mind. I wondered what I could have done differently, and worried over what I'd done wrong.

I'd gone west, like we'd planned to do before we split up. When I met the Mississippi, I followed it south, visiting the riverside towns and seeing the country like I'd never seen before. I didn't have many needs, but when I needed money for something, I sought out the places where people played music. New music was being born from many of the humble places I played, and I learned the styles of jazz and blues, as well as the orchestral pieces I already knew. I played piano in saloons, dance halls, and even once in a brothel. The jobs lasted a week or two before I felt compelled to move on. The music was my refuge, but the drama of such places reminded me of her.

I had to get used to being alone. I wasn't really part of the crowd anymore, merely a musical observer. I was stuck inside my own head quite a bit and I had to come to terms with myself; whether Ed Masen or Edward Cullen. It didn't really matter what I called myself, I was still the same I made up my mind to change. I decided I would be well-read and well-traveled. I now played piano, and I set about learning as much as I could. I went to libraries and read classic literature as well as current works by important authors. I learned to speak French in Louisiana, I traveled back to Chicago where I learned Italian. I spent time in Ohio learning German from Amish farmers. And I traveled to the West Coast and saw the Pacific. There I picked up a smattering of Mandarin from Chinese immigrants.

My talent made it easier to learn from people rather than books, but it was difficult to find people to teach me face to face. It was a whim that took me to high school again. I saw the students waiting outside in a schoolyard and I went inside. Several lies and borrowed books later, I was a freshman. I was Masen Cullen for four years, and I put a lot of ghosts to rest. I became a good student, and I learned so much more than I'd learned the first time through school.

With my talent I also learned that even though I was quiet and aloof, girls and women were drawn to me. The things I'd thought made me dull, uninteresting,and forgettable, actually made me a powerful lure. Not that I was interested in the slightest. Humans were off-limits, and I knew better than to get involved with them, either in groups or alone.

In all of my travels, I did kill a few more times. No, not a few, it was seven. Six men and one woman died at my hands. Because I never put down roots or carried anything with me, I often saw the dirty underbelly of towns and cities. I'd stopped one serial killer, ended three brutal rapists, prevented a mugging from becoming a murder, and killed a woman who was in the process of beating her own child to death. I didn't allow myself to feel regret, though they made me feel dirty for a time. Their deaths kept me from rising above the temptation of human blood. It was never anything I sought out, but I decided that to allow depravity to continue when it was right before me, made me more of a monster than did their murders.

Before I knew it, ten years had passed. I didn't think of her much, and the advice I'd given her about making new memories really did hold true. It took ten years of new memories to bury the two months I'd spent being her lover. I no longer gasped when I saw a tall blond toss a golden mane over her shoulder. I no longer smiled when I saw a girl with her shoes and stockings off. I'd put her behind me, finally.

I grew used to being alone, and I'd found a kind of peace within myself. I'd grown up. The world was once more on the brink of war, but it was well with my soul.

I was taking a few college courses when my past caught up with me. As was my habit, I didn't live in an actual home, but instead found a place to dwell where I could stay dry. I was close to San Francisco, and keeping my few belongings in an abandoned factory which had gone under at the start of the Great Depression. It was there he found me.

I'd always imagined Carlisle would come to find me, and I'd even imagined that Rose would feel some great sense of remorse and track me down. But I'd never imagined I'd see Emmett's face again. He came to the empty doorway of the factory, and leaned casually against the crumbling frame. I stepped out of the shadows, and we regarded each other, guardedly. Then he smiled.

"Do you have any idea how long it's taken to track you down? You're worse than the needle in the haystack. It's taken me the better part of six months to find you."

From his head I saw all the leads he'd used to find me, including looking at news reports of bodies that had been drained of blood. He'd somehow deduced that I liked college towns and that I was fond of Northern California. He was actually quite happy to have found me.

"What do you want Emmett?" I didn't want to talk to him. Seeing him disturbed the layers of memories I'd carefully stacked up.

"Is that any way to talk to your long lost brother?" He laughed and stepped into the shadows with me. "I came to talk to you about my wife." I had the feeling that I'd been kicked in the stomach – hard. Of course I should have known they'd marry. From his mind I knew they'd been married for nine years. "It still bothers you, doesn't it?" His eyes were golden, and they pierced mine in a search for truth. I didn't owe him anything.

"I'm not bothered by anything." I looked him in the eye.

"That's pretty convincing. But I've gotten good at spotting lies over the years, thanks to my wife. Maybe you remember her, she's a gorgeous blond, with legs that go on forever and dangerous curves in all the right places. And you can't forget that sexy mouth... it's the most dangerous part of her. Not because she's a vampire, but because you can never know if she's telling you the truth or not." He looked around and spotted an old metal stool. He dragged it over and sat down. "In case you don't already know, that's why I'm here."


	6. Chapter 6 Family Reunion

_Chapter 6_

_Family Reunion_

_ "Why would I know that you're hear because of Rose, you just got here?" _

_ He laughed again. He seemed to be the kind of man who liked to laugh. "I know all about your mind reading. Half the time I've been jealous of it, and the other half I'm thanking my lucky stars I don't have it. I just thought you'd already have picked my brain." He grinned._

_ "I only do surface thoughts. I only hear what you're actually thinking, not every thought in your head. " Carlisle had told me about the one who could read it all, and I was glad it wasn't me._

_ "Okay then, I'll save you the trouble of digging. I came to find you and find out the truth. I think I've known since the day you left that something was rotten in Denmark. But as you can imagine, I had a whole lot of things on my mind. I'm not sure which one took more attention; being a new vampire, or Rosalie." I didn't wince when he said her name. It helped that he said it with a slight country twang. He got up and began to pace. _

_ "My god, I fell for that woman hard!" He slapped his hands together. "She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and she just seemed so devoted to me... I couldn't believe I was so lucky. But you left after the first time I met you. And Carlisle wouldn't talk about why you'd gone, and Esme... her story had more holes in it than a fishing net. She didn't have any idea why you left, except to say you were sad. She once said you had a broken heart, then tried to say it was over your parents. She doesn't lie very well. Carlisle worked so much it was hard to find the time to talk to him. Every time the subject of you came up, he would find something to divert our attention._

_ "Right before I left, we had another fight. We do that quite a bit, it seems. I still don't know what it was about... she's so hard to understand. I bought her this pair of shoes from a catalog for a birthday present. She got all weird on me and told me I had no idea what she really wanted." I tried to hide a smile. Ten years and she was chaffing under the rules she'd put in place. _

_ "I lost it and yelled that no one could read her mind. And she yelled back that someone already had." He looked at me with his brows in a tight vee. "It wasn't the first time she'd brought you up in the middle of a fight. I sometimes felt like you'd only just stepped out. Of course Carlisle mentioned you had that mind reading thing, and he wondered if I had any magic powers myself. It seems the only gift I've got is the ability to cheese off Rosalie." He threw up his hands and dropped onto the stool again. _

_ "I love that girl. I mean I really really ____love __her... like she's a part of my soul." His face looked pained. "But I don't have a clue how to make her happy. I try like mad... I buy her things... jewelry... dresses... those little hair combs to fix herself up." He grinned sheepishly. "I just don't know what she wants. _

_ "I know she wanted babies, but there's nothing I can do about that. She said she wanted to become a nurse and help deliver babies. I probably shouldn't have talked her out of it – she was mad at me for a month after that. But what if she slipped? I mean she said she wouldn't, but how would she know? She is the most confounding woman on the planet, I swear! Why can't she just be normal?"_

_ He was in the middle of his diatribe when I went back to my niche to finish reading my book. He followed me._

_ "Hey! I didn't cross the country looking for you just so you could walk away!"_

_ "I don't know what you expect from me. So she's complicated, she's yours now." ____Now?__ I hoped he didn't catch my slip. I picked up my book and pretended to read. _

_ "Awe come on – you know her. You've been inside her head a time or two, right? You've gotta help me out, here." Surely he didn't expect me to give him advice on romancing her. Why wouldn't he just leave. _

_ "What does she think you've been doing for six months?" I looked at him from my makeshift __desk. _

_ "I kinda left angry. I told her I'd come back when I knew how to deal with her." He looked embarrassed. _

_ "Are you crazy? You don't leave a woman like Rose up to her own devices for that long! You'll be lucky if she's still there when you get back." I watched his face fall. He really looked like I'd dashed all his hopes. "You need to make a phone call, right now. You need to tell her where you are, and tell her what you're planning. I'm not talking to you, until you do that." I knew he'd have to leave to make the call, and I planned to leave myself. I made a promise, and I didn't want to break it._

_ "Fine. I'll go call her. Will you still be here when I get back?" I nodded. "Promise?" She really had done a number on him. _

_ "I'll be here... I promise," I growled. He left, and I was alone with my thoughts. What could I possibly talk to the man about? If he loved her, he didn't want to learn that I'd loved her too. If he wanted to make her happy, he didn't need to hear that we'd been happy while we were lovers. The thought crossed my mind to pull the rug out from under him and tell him the truth. But to what end? To hurt her as badly as she'd hurt me? I'd hurt three others in the process, including the man who was off to report in to his wife, and likely scare the daylights out of her when she learned he'd come to talk to me. _

_ I thought he wouldn't return, but three hours later he was back. I was taking a lesson from Abraham Lincoln, reading by the light of a lantern. On moonlit nights I didn't need the extra light, but it was overcast and quite dark. Emmett returned, and pulled the stool inside to sit with me. _

_ "It was a good idea to call her. She was worried, and was thinking about coming to look for me. Esme was worried as well, and she told me to tell you she wants you to come home, and that I was supposed to bring you with me." He grinned as he relayed her message. He looked at me across the wooden plank I used for my desk. "It's times like this I wish I could still drink. We could share a few ales, get drunk, and get into trouble the whole way across the country." He smiled, and the light danced in his eyes. Then he blew out a long breath. _

_ "Tell me Ed, why doesn't she want me to talk to you?"_

_ "It's Edward. Ed was my father, and I haven't been Eddie since I was ten. You can call me Edward, or you can even call me Masen."_

_ "Yeah... yeah sure. So why doesn't she want me to talk to you? She did everything she could to get me to just leave and come home. What do you know that I'm not supposed to know?'_

_ "I know Rose." My words hung in the air cryptically. I knew her in so many ways, and yet I looked at his boyish face and knew I couldn't do to him what she'd done to me. "I know things she doesn't want you to know."_

_ "I need to know, Edward. I can't live with her the way we are now. If I have to fight with her one more time, I think I'm going to lose my mind!" I set my book aside, and set about putting a fresh coat of paint on my final gift to her._

_ "She was raped ." With those three words I had his undivided attention. I told him of the attack that had almost taken her life. I told him that when Carlisle changed her, he left me with her, hoping I would bond with her, and we'd become a couple. I told him she hated all men at first, but my ability helped me gain her trust. I told him she ran away, I found her with the men who'd violated her, and I told him how she'd killed them._

_ He smiled in appreciation. "I had no idea she was such a strong woman. So there was really a lot of blood? And she didn't drink any of it?" _

_ I shook my head. "Even I couldn't be in the same room. And her fiance... she tore his head clean off and threw it into the lake."_

_ He looked suitably amazed. "No wonder she was so upset I didn't want her to be a nurse. She must have iron control." He looked at me, still curious. "Why wouldn't she tell me this? Why would she need to keep everything such a secret?"_

_ "Because she's Rose. She didn't know how to handle what they'd done to her. The killing was only part of it. She had a bit of a break with reality after she was changed. She hated Carlisle for changing her against her will. And she only trusted me a tiny bit more. She dressed in my clothes, and __said she wanted to be a boy. She couldn't cut her hair, so she shoved it under a hat, and none of my shoes fit her, so she went barefoot. We left after the killings and hid out in the woods for several weeks. She was as wild and uncivilized as you can imagine. She didn't wear corsets, braziers, stockings, or shoes – especially shoes. She let her hair go wild, and didn't do a thing to make herself look pretty, but she was glorious." He hung on my every word._

_ "I saw her like that once. Before I was attacked, and before I was changed, I caught sight of... a wood nymph, or so I thought. I think I always knew it was her, but she looked so different. I've always thought it was the difference between my vampire eyes and my human eyes."_

_ "It was a wild Rose." I smiled at the memory. He looked at me with his brow furrowed. _

_ "You know her so well... have you ever been... you know...?" ____'Lovers' __his mind screamed. I fought to look suitably surprised at the mere idea. _

_ "Oh no, that would be just wrong!" I hurried to reassure him. "I admit, I did feel an attraction for her at first, I mean who wouldn't? I even felt a bit infatuated with her... but I could never tell her how I really felt. She trusted me, and once she got over wanting to be my brother, we could never be more than brother and sister. Besides, I'm not her type. She likes men with dark curls and big muscles... " He grinned. "...and dimples." I smirked. He laughed out loud at that. _

_ "So, why did you leave? And why didn't she tell me any of this?" I took a deep breath, this was harder than I thought. I was really beginning to like Emmett. He had a quick mind, and an innocence about him that was refreshing. _

_ "I had to leave. I read what was in her mind, and I knew she was smitten with you. I'd already been too close a witness to Carlisle's courtship of Esme, and it was difficult to watch from such an intimate vantage point." I looked him in the eye. "Our hearing makes it difficult to hide what's going on even behind closed doors. And I can read minds. I know what Esme and Carlisle look like naked, and I didn't want to have any clue about you and Rose. Not to mention, it's very uncomfortable to be in a house with two loving couples, while I'm alone myself."_

_ "Whoa, I guess I can just stop being jealous of that mind-reading thing. Wait a minute... can you see what she looks like from my mind?" His eyes grew wide. _

_ I smiled a teasing smile. "Only when you think about her like that. I only read surface thoughts, remember?" I grinned mischievously. "That's a nice mole on her derriere." _

_ His mouth dropped open at first, then he looked suddenly skeptical. "She doesn't have a mole there... or any place else on her body."_

_ "I ____know.__" I replied with a raise of my eyebrow and a knowing look. It was just too easy to mess with him. _

_ "You wouldn't... you didn't...!" He was so naive and innocent. "I swear Edward, I ain't above whupping ya to avenge her honor!" He looked like he was about to roll up his sleeves, and I laughed. _

_ "You can relax Emmett, none of us have moles, that's how I know she's blemish free. I haven't been threatened with a fist fight since I was human. What part of backwoods Tennessee did you come from anyway?"_

_ "I'm not a country bumpkin if that's what you're thinking. I lived just a few miles outside of Gatlinburg."_

_\ "You're absolutely right, that's just a little bit east of Bumpkin." I chuckled as he tried to decide if I was laughing with him or____ at__ him._

_ "I should have expected a comment like that from a city boy..."_

_ "I'm sorry Emmett, I was just teasing. It's nothing personal." He visibly relaxed. In his head I could read the thoughts of several jokes at the expense of city slickers and carpet baggers, which were the same in his mind. He held back, not wanting to be rude. _

_ "Will you come back with me? We moved about two years back, and we're not far from Atlanta Georgia now. Carlisle is trying to start a clinic there for the coloreds. Esme and Rosalie are still working on getting the house just right, and if I get underfoot too much, they want me to paint __something, or build something, or move something. Sometimes I just don't understand them, they're just as strong as I am, and yet they act like it's offensive to use those muscles." He looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Really Edward, I want you to come back. I don't know how to reach her. I mean I'm glad you told me about what happened, but living with Rosalie is like tiptoeing through a nest of rattlesnakes with cotton in my ears. I never know what's going to set her off – like the shoes."_

_ "She wants you to get to know her, Emmett. She's always been very feminine with you, right? Always dressed up and put together, right?" He nodded. Well, part of her likes that – it's how she was raised." He was again hanging on my every word. "But there's another part of her, that's just the opposite – Wild Rose if you will. And she may want to run barefoot through the woods, and wear pants, and climb trees, and swim with the fish."_

_ "Rosalie? You're teasing me again." _

_ "No, I've seen her like that. If she thinks that you only want the prim and proper lady, then she will twist herself like a sailor's knot to be just what you want. But then she'll explode over shoes, because she thinks you should know her better by now." It scared me how easy it was to see the problems he was likely dealing with regarding his wife. I smiled, wondering at how far I'd come in my thinking of her. I felt positively analytical in my mind. In a way she wasn't a woman at all, she was a project, or a problem to be solved. _

_ "She wants you Emmett. But every woman wants to be loved for who she is, not just an ideal. You have to ask yourself if you love all of her, or only the pretty girl in the fancy dresses. She wants you to discover and love the wild side of her."_

_ "Why won't she just tell me that? That woman is so difficult, she's almost impossible to live with. If she wants to go barefoot, then why doesn't she just do it?" I laughed. It was all so clear to me now – just ten years too late._

_ "Emmett, she is still getting over what happened to her. In some ways she's still stuck in that night when someone she trusted did the unthinkable to her. She's afraid to trust. In some ways she's brave and fearless, but when it comes to trust, she'd rather 'get you before you get her.' If she reveals the other side of herself, you could decide you don't like it. You could decide it's funny and laugh at her. You could try to change her into what you want her to be. Or you could decide it's not worth getting to know her that way. And so she sticks with what is safe."_

_ "So why did she lie about all this? It's going to be hard for me to trust her now that I know she kept it from me."_

_ "She doesn't see it as lying. She throws herself so fully into what she wants, it becomes the truth. She doesn't even know she's doing it. I saw it in her mind right from the beginning. As soon as her human memories started to fade, she began creating fake memories about the way she thought her life should have been. She decided that the human blood wasn't a temptation to her, and it wasn't. She decided the men who violated her should be dead, and now they are. She's very focused in getting what she wants, once she makes up her mind."_

_ "So, she's not lying, she's just reorganizing the universe to suit her plan?"_

_ "Pretty much." I smiled at his bewildered look. "She's trying desperately to create a world where she can … keep bad things from ever happening to her again. She brought home a big, strong, defender, and married him. Then she went about creating the perfect delicate hothouse Rose for you to adore. And now she's afraid to let you see who she is behind that mask of perfection. But contradictory as ever, she ____wants__ you to find out, and love her anyway."_

_ He looked at me in amazement. "I don't understand how you know her so well, and never fell in love with her. Just listening to you talk... makes me want to run back home and tell her how much I love her. Are you sure you never...?" He let the question hang, and I didn't answer him. I read it in his __mind that he was skeptical. One more protest would have made him certain I was lying. _

_ I stared at him, and he knew I was reading his mind. His brows drew together, and because he knew what I was doing, he actually thought of all the things he hoped I couldn't see. I kept my face __blank and impassive, and saw what I thought I'd see. Deep down he thought I must be lying. No one could know a woman the way I did without having carnal knowledge of her. And he desperately didn't want to know the truth. _

_ "You really should go back and reassure your wife that all is well in her universe." I wouldn't tell him, no matter how suspicious he was about my history with his wife. It would destroy him. _

_ "Come back home with me." From his head I knew he wanted to gauge her reaction to my entrance back into her life. But strangely he also wanted me to be a part of his life. He had no one in the 'family' he could bond with beyond Rose, and he missed being able to relate to someone as a man. Carlisle had placed a lot of distance between them; likely to protect me, and to hide her secret. And Esme was so firmly attached to her role as mother, she tended to treat him as an adolescent. He was lonely, and he thought it would be fun to have me around. "Come on Edward, you should see the house, it's practically a showplace." He looked pointedly at the ruined place I lived in. "And Carlisle has a bunch of books." _

_ He clearly didn't have much use for books and reading. I almost gasped aloud when I read in his mind that he barely knew how to read. He'd had trouble learning, and his mother used to read to him and he'd memorize as much as he could. I couldn't imagine having an eternity to live, and not being able to read. Add to it his difficult relationship with Rose, and I could see why he'd left. I wanted to stay away because of her, but suddenly I wanted to go back – because of him. _

_ "I've still got a few more weeks until my class finishes."_

_ "You're worried about getting a good grade?" He grinned. "You're a vampire, Edward, what does it matter if you get an A or an F?" _

_ "The grade doesn't matter – and I do get A's – but I like the class. It's Greek History and Mythology, and it's fascinating. I was just reading about a woman named Helen, who was so beautiful, she started a massive war when the ruler of Troy stole her away from her husband, the ruler in Sparta." He just looked at me. He wondered if my words had a more cryptic meaning. Then he thought that his Rosalie could give Helen some competition if she were still alive. I had to agree with him on that point. _

_ "So, you're not coming back?" He sounded defeated. I looked at him, and he reminded me a bit of a puppy. Even if I couldn't read his mind, he would be transparent, with his big innocent eyes that were so observant, but so trusting. _

_ "I'm not leaving now, if that's what you're asking. But I tell you what, you go on back and give the family fair warning that I'm coming home. I'll finish up with my classes, and I'll come along in a few weeks._

_ "Maybe I should stay and wait for you... we could travel together. It might be fun to see how much trouble we can find." He grinned like a teenager, and his eyes sparkled. _

_ I leaned back in the chair and looked at him. "Do you really think that's a good idea? She already knows where you are, and you know how good she is at getting what she wants..." At first he wanted to defy her, and stay. But then I saw an image of her in his mind, covering him with welcome back kisses and hugs._

_ "Yeah, you're right. I should probably get home as soon as possible. But you need to promise me you won't change your mind. " I was really starting to feel for the guy, he was just so open and earnest. _

_ "Fine. I promise I'll go back home as soon as my class is finished."_

_ "____Our__ home, the one near Atlanta," he specified. For someone so trusting, he was doing a good job of cutting off all recourse. Rose... Rose... what are you doing to the man? _

_ "Agreed, now do you want me to sign in blood or something?" _

_ "That would be nice, got anything fresh?" he joked. I couldn't help but laugh at his weak joke, just because of the wicked expression on his innocent face. He told me the address of the place where they were living. He also gave me the telephone number where they could be reached. Before he left, __he held out his hand, and it took me a second to realize he was offering a friendly handshake. I took his hand, and he grinned as he firmly held it. "It's going to be good having a brother around." I was still struggling with the idea when he left. _

_ Four weeks later I was on a train crossing the country. I was lulled into a bit of a trance by the hum and clack of the wheels on the tracks. I was daydreaming about the violet blue eyes Rose had had before she was changed. I'd never gotten to see those eyes set in an unmarked face. It was a shame we all had the same odd golden color in our eyes. Of course I preferred it to the red eyes I had when I killed a human. I was just thinking about how nice it would be to have the multitudes of colors they had, when she bumped into me. _

_ She was about seven, and she'd been playing a pretend game of hopscotch down the center aisle of the train. As she stood on one foot to pick up her imaginary marker, the train jostled her and she lost her balance and fell into me. I had to catch her so she wouldn't hurt herself, and for about three seconds I stared into a pair of wide brown eyes that seemed to be lit from within, as the child chewed her bottom lip. _

_ "Isabella! Stop bothering that man." Her pretty young mother called her from several rows back and the child dropped her eyes as if she were ashamed. _

_ "Sorry mister."_

_ "That's okay." I smiled, and she grinned shyly. She skipped back to her mother, with her long brown hair flipping beneath the bow that held it, and I caught those doe eyes watching me several times before she and her mother got off the train at the next stop. For just a second I felt Rose and Esme's sense of loss that we could never have children._

_ As I crossed the country, I was surprised to see the changes that had occurred in the time I'd been away. Cities had grown where towns had been. The Works Progress Administration was making a difference in the country that could be seen even from the train window. When I got to Atlanta, I was surprised to see how big the city was, considering it was nestled in the sleepy south. I departed the train with a small leather bag that held one change of clothes and some books._

_ I expected I would walk the distance to the house where Carlisle had moved the family, but I'd barely stepped away from the station platform when I was almost knocked over by a squealing auburn-haired beauty. Esme had her arms wrapped around me and was kissing my cheek when I caught sight of Carlisle. He smiled and threw his arm around me in a manly hug as they lead me to a black Lincoln Zephyr Sedan. _

_ It was a beautiful car, and Esme rolled her eyes at his boyish grin. He looked quite proud of the car, and from his head I learned that it was only a week old, and Emmett had encouraged him to buy it. I laughed, as I read the conversation they'd had about the tide turning with my return, and the men would rule the roost again. _

_ He held her door in gentlemanly fashion, and even though she seemed unimpressed, her mind said otherwise. She was happy to be seen with such a successful man, and the car did turn heads. I climbed in behind him. _

_ "So, how did you know to come to the train station? I know I told Emmett I'd be coming back, but I didn't tell him any exact date." Esme smiled, and Carlisle shrugged. _

_ "A lot has changed since you left – especially recently. Emmett had no sooner unpacked when we received a couple visitors. A young woman and her husband showed up, and she seems to have every intention of staying." Esme giggled and looked like she could barely contain her excitement. _

_ She looked over her shoulder at where I sat in the back. "Oh Edward, you're going to love them! Alice is just adorable, and so full of energy – she's like a breath of fresh air. And her husband Jasper is... he's just adorable too. They are both so talented, and I just can't wait for you to meet __them!"_

_ Carlisle glanced my way with a smile. "Esme forgot to tell you the most important thing about them. They're vampires, like us. They're trying to convert to our animal diet, but I'm worried about Jasper. He's had a lot of years feeding on humans."_

_ "They're like us?" I was stunned. I'd heard there were others, but I'd never met any. Carlisle always told me they kept hidden, except for those who wander to avoid notice. _

_ Esme continued to gush. "They're just so cute! Alice can sometimes see the future, and Jasper can sense emotions and enhance other's emotions. I just know he'll be able to change to our diet – I really don't want them to go." I smiled. Esme was once again ready to adopt two more 'children' to add to her family. I sat back and marveled at how she and Carlisle were really perfect for each other. I had no desire for a big home and family, and she would have driven me nuts in her pursuit. Carlisle would give her anything she asked for if he could. He reached out and took her hand, and I could tell he knew her well. _

_ The house was another of those set on a lonely country road. But this was bigger than the last. It looked like an old plantation home, and on closer inspection, I discovered that's exactly what it was. As I climbed out of the car, the house emptied, and Emmett came out and wrapped me in an exuberant bear hug. _

_ "I'm glad you made it, brother!" He grinned, and I looked up onto the porch and saw a young man with blond hair and piercing eyes. He stood in the shadows of the porch, with his hands clasped behind his back, and a mysterious smile on his face. He looked like he belonged there. I could almost imagine him in days gone by, relaxing in one of the rocking chairs, sipping a glass of sherry, and watching over the negroes at work in the fields. Our eyes met and he nodded slightly. He had such an air of command about him I almost felt like my position in the pecking order dropped from two to three, behind him and Carlisle._

_ Someone took me by the elbow and turned me, before wrapping me in an enthusiastic hug. At first I thought it was a little girl, but when she looked up at me, her eyes were full of experience, worldly knowledge, pain, suffering, and loss. Then she blinked and it was gone. The sprite that regarded me had a thousand thoughts running through her mind all at once, and I felt almost dizzy trying to read her. _

_ "Hi, I'm Alice Brandon... I mean Whitlock. Sorry Jasper, it's just a habit I need to break." She smiled impishly at the man on the porch, and he smiled indulgently. "You must be Edward. We're going to be really good friends." She kissed my cheek and twirled away like she was dancing, taking her place at the side of the blond man. I took the steps slowly, noting the porch wrapped around the house, and would likely help keep it cool in the Georgia sun. _

_ When Carlisle introduced me to Jasper, he reached out to shake my hand. It was only my supernatural eyesight that let me see it, but his arm was covered in scars. I knew the only thing that could leave scars like that was our own bite, and there were dozens on him. I met his eyes, and the images that flashed through his mind almost dropped me to my knees. He'd been surrounded by so much horror and death. Yet he'd come through it alive and with hope that he could move beyond the person who had caused and witnessed so much pain. _

_ "My god!" I hoped it wasn't pity he heard, because I was more awed at his strength. I clutched his hand for too long, then released him. His pretty wife wrapped her arms around him and he laid his cheek against the top of her head. When he smiled, I understood that he knew I read minds, and he'd allowed me to see a glimpse of his past. _

_ I approached the door to the house and there was no place else to look, but at her. Rose. She stood on the porch, but where Jasper avoided the light, she basked in it, reflecting it around her like the jewel she was. Her eyes were wary, and her smile was just a degree off of genuine. And still she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. But I looked beyond her beauty, to the shy way Emmett put his arm around her as she looked at me. He wanted to lay claim to her boldly, but there was still that __tiny doubt that she might not be all his. _

_ I smiled broadly. "You two make a very good couple. You shouldn't be so hard on the guy, he's doing the best he can." Her jaw dropped, and I walked past her and into the house. _

_ The place was enormous, and it was more than a showplace. It rivaled the mansions I'd seen in my travels. I was surprised to see that the grand piano was in the parlor, and I wondered how they'd transported it so far. Esme didn't give me time to gawk, but took me upstairs to show me my room. She'd planned for it to be mine, and there were a number of bookshelves and a chaise lounge. I knew from her thoughts that my room didn't have a bed, but the others did because the married couples had a use for them. She still remembered how I'd lain as a corpse in the bed last time I was home. _

_ I kissed her cheek and smiled. "You don't have to worry about me, Esme. I'm going to be fine. I didn't know if I meant it, but it turns out I truly was fine. I belonged with them, and from the first day to the first week, we all worked to become a family. There were so many gifts and talents among us, we all had to work at not allowing them to take over. I talked more and learned to draw out their thoughts into words so we could all know what was on their minds, not just me. _

_ Jasper and Alice became a part of the family, though there were a few times Jasper and Emmett went off for weeks at a time, and we all knew they were hunting human predators. I learned that Emmett had preyed on humans on his way back to Georgia. He actually wanted to test his own resolve, and had sought to take down a thug he'd found one night in the fledgeling city of Las Vegas. He found his control wasn't nearly as strong as his wife's, and had his first taste of human blood._

_ It was one of the things he was able to share with her, that helped to bridge their gap. Watching the two of them, I learned about selfless love. I set aside all my desire for her, and did everything I could to make it work between her and Emmett. If I couldn't have her, I wanted to do everything I could to make her happy. When they fought, I helped them resolve their differences, and when they were happy together I looked at it as a success in my project for a happy Rose. _

_ Not that her happiness was all I wanted. I wanted him to be happy too. He truly became a brother to me, first in the way he relied on my insight, then in the things I taught him. His inability to read offended me, and I made it my goal that he should learn. I took him on 'hunting' trips where I smuggled books away and gave him lessons. It really didn't take him long, and he marveled at the skill of his vampire eyes for finally keeping the words from jumping around on the page. He devoured stories like Gulliver's Travels, Tarzan and the Apes, Around the World in Eighty Days, and Call of the Wild. His first book he read on his own, was from A Thousand and One Arabian Nights. He was so taken with Sindbad the Sailor, I began to worry he'd sail away himself. _

_ We grew to be close friends, and he confided in me. Very shyly he shared with me what he was learning about Rose. I didn't want to hear, but he needed to tell of some of the unconventional things they did together. It was during one of these confidences that it hit me – I wasn't jealous anymore. I didn't want to hear, because it was private and personal. I no longer lamented that it wasn't me in her arms. I was happy for them both._

_ It was easy to see Rose was truly happy with him. Our days ran into weeks and then into years. Little by little we learned each other and found our place. I was alone, but I loved them all. The secrets I kept faded and became of less consequence. I knew they'd stay buried when Emmett began to tease me for being a virgin. Either he trusted me to never tell, or he truly believed my relationship with Rose was innocent. In fact it was innocent. I made myself forget. It took will, and conscious effort, but our time together was locked away in a part of my mind where I never went. _

_ There eventually came a time where I confided to Esme that I'd felt a crush for her when she was new. I shared this with both of them, and the honesty brought us closer. She mentioned that she thought I'd had a crush on Rose, and I smiled and said, "maybe."_

_ Once I taught Emmett to read, it was his idea that we all go to high school. Of all of us, only Esme and Carlisle had graduated, and only Carlisle had been to college. Rose was close to graduation, Emmett quit as soon as he could, Alice had been institutionalized, and Jasper never had the opportunity. __It was an eye-opening experience. We did well in school, but more than the academics, we learned about the changes in the world. School was a microcosm of thoughts, ideas, trends, politics, music, literature, news, and the attitudes of the people we lived among. The first four years was only the beginning. _

_ We eventually moved from Georgia, and at my urging we went to the west coast. It was there we found a place where it was always so rainy and overcast we could be outside quite a bit. It was also where we first encountered werewolves. The treaty meant we could stay, but it also meant Jasper and Emmett had to be more careful in their hunting choices. _

_ It was during this time, that Alice told me of a vision she'd seen – several actually. She was afraid of telling me the future, but she did say I wouldn't be alone forever. She told me of a love that would be so strong it would overcome all our differences. And she told me I had to be very careful because I would be in danger of killing her. _


	7. Chapter 7 My Lamb

Chapter 7

My Lamb

I tucked the hope in my heart and forgot about it. I'd seen times when Alice was wrong – well not wrong exactly – but certainly her visions could be open to interpretation. I'd also seen her timing was unpredictable. Living in Forks, we were introduced to another group who lived like we did, on an animal diet.

The Denali clan came to visit us, and I immediately connected with a blond named Tanya. We hunted together and spent the week of their visit off by ourselves, getting acquainted. When Tanya mentioned that she was single and interested in me, there was a very lonely part of me that wanted to go away with her. I knew we could be good together, and I was tempted.

But I didn't think Tanya was the love of my life, and after Rose I wanted nothing less. I believed and trusted Alice enough to know that the perfect girl was out there, and I just needed to be patient. It took me over ten years to get over Rose, I could afford to wait for my love no matter how long it took.

When Tanya left with the Denali clan, she was obviously disappointed that we hadn't formed a more meaningful relationship. I even got the feeling that she would have been open to a physical relationship with no strings attached, but I didn't want that either. It was then that Emmett really began to tease me for being chaste. Jasper even laughed along with him, even though I think he suspected there was a history between me and Rose.

We moved a few more times, and each time we went to different schools. It was something to do, and it was a good way to gauge the local climate and stay involved in humanity. It made it easier for those of us with a taste for human blood to keep from slipping. It was easier to see them as people when we saw them every day and shared their same concerns. And it was easier to deal with children, since only a monster would kill a child.

It was also a good chance for us to do things we'd never done before. I started a school newspaper in New York. Alice became a cheerleader in Maine, and Emmett and Rose were homecoming king and queen in Pennsylvania. Jasper often had trouble fitting in, and fighting his urges. He was always in class with either me or Alice so we could be warned if he was about to slip. He always joined the chess club, but it wasn't until the 1960's when he found his true niche.

We were living in Massachusetts, not far from Boston when the newspapers began reporting about a strangler at large. Jasper and Emmett joked that they could go to Boston and hunt for the killer, but Carlisle wouldn't hear of it. We were enrolled in school, and all the girls were terrified of being attacked. Jasper got permission to start a self defense class for girls that would meet after school in the gym. I showed up to watch the first lesson, and there were about a dozen girls around him, all wearing their gym clothes. They were skeptical, until he used Alice to demonstrate what they could do.

As he came up behind her and wrapped his strong arm around her neck, she screamed. Then when he smiled his "I've got you now" smile, she flipped him to the mat and proceeded to kick the daylights out of him. By the end of the week, half the girls in school showed up for his no-nonsense lessons on how to defend themselves.

The sixties and seventies went by, and the country went through Vietnam and all the social unrest that came with it. The world was changing in it's views of women and racial differences, and we did our best to keep up. In the eighties Carlisle became a surgeon, and devoted himself to being the best in his field. Not that he actually chose a field, but he could do almost anything. He worked twice the hours of a normal doctor, often in a hospital for one shift, and a clinic in a poor area, for another.

By the nineties we had the routine down. We'd move, buy a house, Carlisle would work at a hospital and we'd go to school. I wanted to go back to college and get away from the youth of high school, but we all had to go or none at all. Jasper and Alice both loved high school. Alice had missed so much of her youth, and Jasper strangely thought of himself as a protector of the students, even though he was the biggest risk to them. I understood perfectly how it was to have an ideal you aspired to, and a reality you sought to outgrow.

When we moved back to Forks it was partially in response to the Volturi getting more upset with sightings of our kind. They could travel faster now that airlines had replaced trains and ships, and they were asserting their rules and control over our kind with all their strength behind them. Carlisle wanted to make sure we had no accidents, and Forks was safer than New York and many of the denser population areas. The treaty we'd signed decades before was still valid, and we stayed out of the territory of the werewolves.

Fortunately they had their own school, and we didn't have to see them when we started school. For a year and a half we went through our routine. It was the last time I'd go to high school, since I'd talked Alice and Jasper into giving college a try with me. Even Emmett was now a straight A student, and he was chaffing at being held back from learning in a more adult environment.

We'd all grown up and grown together, and even in school we were separate from others, keeping to our own little group. My biggest concern was which of us would be driving to school, and what they would be serving in the cafeteria that I'd have to find a way to pretend to eat. In most respects I was just waiting for something to happen. When something finally did happen I didn't even recognize it at first.

She was just a girl. I'd seen the stir of new kids in school countless times before, so I wasn't even a little excited when I saw in the minds of some of the students that the new girl was cute. Brown hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. Nothing remarkable about her at all. I caught a glimpse of her in the cafeteria, and was struck by one thing – I couldn't read her. She was a complete blank to me even though I could easily filter out the noise of the minds around her. I'd never seen anyone I couldn't read – even the werewolves were open to me.

It was the day before our planned hunting trip, and we were all just a little low and a little run down. Of course we can go without feeding for quite some time, but it starts to take its toll after a while. We tried to time our absences with the sunniest days or weekends. No matter what kind of grades we got, the schools were increasingly particular about our attendance. The days before our hunting trips always seemed to be the hardest, because we were all hyper vigilant over Jasper.

I was in biology, a class I really liked, when she walked in. She was cute, and I still couldn't read her. But as she came closer, I could smell her. To say she smelled good would be like saying the Grand Canyon is big. I'd never smelled anything so amazing in my life. She was better than baking bread, apple pie and my first taste of human blood combined. Before she even took her seat I almost pounced on her, and she sat down right beside me. I suddenly understood how Eve was tempted by the serpent's apple – oh and how I wanted a bite!

It took every bit of control I had not to take her – consequences be damned! The class was torture, and minute by minute I had to talk myself out of feeding on her – and I couldn't read her. I swear if even one mean thought had crossed her mind she would have been history. I tried to work up a strong hatred for her so I could have an excuse for what I wanted – planned - to do to her. I watched her every movement from the corner of my eye... the way she sniffed her hair... the way her eyes looked my way before dropping self-consciously... the way she seemed to curl in on herself as if trying to become invisible.

When I finally escaped my torture, it was a miracle she was still alive. It was Alice and Jasper who kept me from stalking her in hopes of taking her at a more opportune moment. At the end of the day I tried to move to a different biology class. Failing that I tried to drop it entirely, but the rules wouldn't allow it. Before I left I caught her scent in the air, and turned to see her standing just inside the door, as if to torture me further. I made some kind of excuse and fled. I resolved that I would have to quit the school if I wasn't going to accidentally kill her.

I stayed out of school for the next two weeks, and went to Alaska to visit the Denali clan. Just seeing Tanya again helped me to recognize that I had no choice but to stay with my family in Forks. I didn't know how I would deal with the girl, but I knew I couldn't run away. In my time away I convinced myself that she couldn't be that special – that she couldn't smell that good. I hunted with my family before I returned to school, and I resolved I'd hunt more often so I could tolerate her presence easier. Still the animal almost sickened me, as it paled so much in comparison to her scent. She was all I could think about and I lusted for the taste of her sweet blood.

Before we headed back home, Alice took me aside, and we walked to where the others couldn't hear us. "I see you've met the girl!" She was bubbling with excitement, and I had no idea what she was talking about. "Come on Edward, you remember when I told you about the girl you could love... you've met her – it's Bella Swan!" I gaped at her. She had to be kidding. Did she have any idea that I already loved the girl? I loved the way she smelled, and I was consumed with thoughts of …. consuming her.

"That's impossible Alice. I can't stand to be in the same room with her, and forget about talking to her." She looked at me concerned.

"It's not impossible... oh if you could see what I see..."

I took hold of her shoulders, thinking to shake the answers out of her, and knowing it was futile. "Tell me, Alice!"

"I can't give you the answers Edward. You've got to do this on your own, or what I tell you could change your mind and spoil the outcome. The only thing I can tell you, is that she's the one. I don't need to tell you that you've got to resist killing her. You've got to protect her at all costs."

School on Monday was a little easier since we'd fed, but the girl was still such a mystery to me. I couldn't read her, but I learned about her from the minds of those around her. From some of her comments about her pale skin and living in Phoenix, I saw she had a bit of a sarcastic sense of humor. I also saw clumsiness and shyness, and from every male's mind I saw everything from admiration to lust.

In many ways she was the opposite of Rose, and I thought Alice must be mistaken. But it was all I could cling to when I again sat beside her in Biology. I made an effort to speak with her and asked her the questions I could normally glean from a person's mind. She was keenly observant, both in our shared observations of the assignment, and of me. She noticed what most of the self-absorbed students failed to see. She commented on my eye color, and when I touched her she seemed shocked at the contact with my cold skin.

If she noticed me, I drank her in. She hid behind her long dark hair like it was a shield, and stole glimpses of me through it's silken strands. She had no idea how easily I caught her large brown eyes watching me. Her smell was divine, and I still had to fight to stay in control. Just the thought of putting my mouth against her soft, warm, porcelain skin, made me clench my fists. It didn't help that the Newton boy couldn't stop staring at her, and his thoughts were of the lustful variety.

Even though she was the opposite of Rose, she was lovely in her own right. In fact she had the kind of beauty that was easy to overlook, because it wasn't flashy and demanding. She was a flawless cameo, with the innocence and dewy freshness that came from youth. It was that very youth that made me again wonder if Alice could be mistaken. She was so young – practically an infant next to me. I felt foul just thinking about her in any kind of a possessive way.

I made up my mind that I would get to know her slowly. I resolved to have a few words with her each day, and gradually get used to her allure. I planned that in a little more than a year we'd once again graduate, and I would be able to approach her as a suitor. It was a good plan, but it didn't take into account an icy parking lot and the girl being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I watched her pull into the lot with that horrible noisy truck, and I wondered if she'd put the chains on the tires herself. The van came careening into the lot, and I thought for sure she'd have to notice it and get out of the way. But she was human, and she'd barely looked up. For me it was as if it was moving in slow-motion. I could tell there wasn't enough time for her human reflexes to take her out of the way – she'd be crushed between her truck and the van. I moved.

I tackled her to the ground, horrified to see her hit her head on the pavement. I had to drag her legs out of the way, and lift the van so her legs weren't crushed, and it still wasn't enough. I braced myself between another car, and the van, with my hand out to leave enough space for her. When the van finally came to a stop, there was glass on the ground, and I feared any second she'd get cut, and I would lose all reason. She was alive, but suddenly we were the center of attention. I tried to make it seem like I'd merely pulled her out of the way, and the few witnesses believed me.

But she didn't believe me.

She didn't seem to care that she'd almost died. She didn't even seem worried about the injury to her head. All she cared about was how I'd gotten to her so fast. Fortunately the ambulance was there in minutes, and I made sure they took her to check out her head. The van driver was cut up and I wouldn't let them examine me. On the way to the hospital I had time to wonder if I wasn't supposed to let the van crush her. It would have given me the perfect opportunity to change her – crush injuries of that nature usually don't kill instantly.

I glanced over my shoulder at the EMT who was trying to convince her the neck brace was necessary. Could I have changed her? I had to laugh at the way she was complaining to the poor man trying to make her relax on the stretcher. No. It was better that I didn't change her. She was alive, and she needed to stay that way. No matter what Alice said, I couldn't let her face death like that, just to turn her into my perfect mate. To do so would have made me no different than Rosalie.

She continued to insist that I had not been standing near her, and demanding answers I wasn't willing to give. Carlisle checked her out, and I could tell from his mind that he was concerned that someone would take her comments about my impossible rescue seriously. All it would take was one reporter to write up the accident in the newspaper, and we could easily attract the attention of the Volturi. I got her to agree to go along with my story, by making her think I would tell her more later.

What she saw as a lie, only made her angry when I didn't tell her more. When I asked her why she needed to know, her answer drove me crazy. She said she didn't like to lie, and if I was going to ask her to lie, she wanted to make sure there was a good reason.

After all of Rose's lies and omissions, her honesty more than anything made me hopeful that Alice was right. Still, it wasn't just my secret I was protecting. Carlisle had told me both with words and thoughts, how merciless the Volturi could be when their rules were broken. Our secret was to be kept from any who were not joining us, upon penalty of death. It would put me at risk, but also my family, and more importantly – her.

I hated it, but I stopped talking to her. I did my best to ignore her, and I considered again dropping out of school. I had no idea how to proceed with her, and my options were pitifully limited. I didn't think she would allow me to get to know her without answering her one burning question. I knew I didn't want to change her, so telling my secret was not an option. Still, being close to her, I was slowly getting used to her scent.

As the weeks passed, and I kept my distance, her other admirers became bolder. A dance was coming up, and at least three boys wanted to go with her. I knew better than to interfere, and I even created an opportunity for one boy to ask her. I knew without a doubt, that if she'd wanted any kind of a relationship with someone else, I could never pursue her. But one by one she turned them down. Not unkindly, but by telling them that she wouldn't be in town for the dance.

I wasn't prepared for the jealousy. I hated waiting for someone else to grab her attention and take her away from me, but I knew for her sake I had to allow it. After the way Rose had played with my emotions, I was very sensitive to losing her to someone else. From what I could read in their minds, they were unworthy of her.

For her own safety, I did my utmost to stay away from her. But she fascinated me. I began visiting her in the night. I thought I would merely spend time in her presence to get used to her smell. Each day I had to start over, re-acclimating to her scent and my desire to have her. It was simple to break into her home, and I was surprised that her police chief father didn't have better security. I think he assumed his gun would be enough to protect her. He didn't count on someone like me.

Watching her sleep made me feel sick and twisted, but it was also so peaceful in her presence. And when she tossed, turned and talked in her sleep, she was fascinating. I heard her say my name in her sleep, and it made me wonder anew what she was dreaming. She was a perfect illustration of how much I depended on my gift. It almost felt like being struck blind.

I think I learned more from my nighttime visits than all the time I spent with her in school. I learned what she read, what music she liked, what was important to her, and most of all, that she thought about me. She captivated me, and I realized I couldn't stay away.

Awake, she was a mass of contradictions and she irritated me to no end. The girl had a frightening disregard for her life and safety, and she wanted to be near me for some reason. I was torn between wanting to leave her completely alone, and wanting to watch over her every move. It was as if she walked through the world with blinders on; not seeing where she was walking until she tripped. Nor did she see the way boys looked at her with adoration and longing. And when she did look up she always managed to fix me in her wide brown-eyed gaze.

As for my own life, I was a bachelor living in a house with three couples. Their loving attentions to one another pointed out on a daily basis what was missing from my life. Her allure combined with my own unacknowledged hunger for love forced me to reach across the chasm between us. I finally stopped resisting the attraction.

When I first spoke with her for any length, the noisy cafeteria disappeared, and I had almost an hour of listening only to her. Just focusing on her audible speech patterns, without having her thoughts to accompany her... it was like listening to a song, acapella. Her song was beautiful in it's simplicity.

What surprised me most, was that as I reached across the chasm between us, she was reaching out to me as well. It stunned me, since it really was unusual for a human to respond in such a way. I'd learned early on when I spent any time with them, that we were attractive to them. Grace, beauty, and even an enticing scent surely attracted them. But they are always wary of us. Like they have a sense that we're not safe... a prickling of the hair on their heads maybe, that warns them not to get too close.

I knew she felt this warning – I could see it in the way she resisted touching me. I even think she felt it stronger than the others, since she clearly saw our differences. But she set those feelings aside. Part of me was overjoyed that she trusted me and felt safe with me, even though I wasn't safe and trustworthy. She seemed as fascinated by me as I was of her.

But it was infuriating, the disregard she had for her own safety! She even agreed to go to Seattle alone with me while the other students would be at the dance. But it was a trip to Port Angeles before that time that sealed her – our – fate.

I followed them. Three young girls alone in a coastal town... I'd seen that recipe for disaster on many occasions in my life. I wished I was wrong, but the girl was a magnet for trouble. If she had stayed with her friends she would have been fine, but she did the worst thing possible and wandered into the dark back alleys of an unfamiliar town. I couldn't decide if she was foolish or just too innocent and trusting for her own good.

She attracted the attention of men. Not just men, but the kind who were predators in their own right. If I hadn't been there to rescue her, there's not a doubt in my mind she would have suffered the same fate of Rosalie. Just the thought of that kind of damage being done to her, made me burn with fury. It didn't matter that it had been decades since I'd killed – I wanted them!

She was the only thing that stopped me. I ordered her into my car, and raced through the streets. I didn't need to drive so fast, but I needed to put distance between me and the fiends who would have taken her. It was still a close call. The distraction of her voice, and her nearness created a tenuous bond to my sanity and reason. I slowly remembered that feeding on humans would make it impossible for me to resist her. I'd have to relearn that control before I could be near her again. I'd lose her.

It was in those moments racing through town that I realized I was falling for her. Maybe I still had enough conscious understanding of our differences that I could have pulled away from her. But I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to know her, and let her see the man I really was inside.

I answered her questions over dinner. Even her questions drew me in. Her shy glances and subtle observations had given her a lot of information to process. I couldn't gauge her reactions to what I told her, except to look at her lovely face. I wanted to know what she was thinking so I could compare it to what I was seeing written on her face. Her blush, her wide-eyed look of surprise, her shy glances through her hair, and her eyes turned down as if she felt unworthy of the attention. She was an open book, but I was just learning how to read.

I wanted to spend every minute with her. Just to watch her and listen to her was more interesting than any play or movie I'd ever seen. I wondered if Anne Sullivan had held such a fascination for Helen Keller. Bella opened up a whole new world to me, or at least one I'd forgotten.

After that dinner, we began spending time together. I couldn't resist her. It wasn't just that I couldn't read her – but of course that colored every interaction with her. It was the way she was so different from everyone else. She was selfless and kind at a time when youth were known for their preoccupation with themselves. She thought she was undeserving of attention. And she was so drawn to me – I was in awe of her. She didn't see me as inhuman or monstrous, but all the things I wanted to be. In her eyes I was the man I wanted to be, fully realized.

When I first took her to the meadow, it was only partly because of what I wanted to show her. The trusting fool had made sure no one knew she was with me, nor where she'd gone. She just couldn't conceive that I was dangerous to her. It was there that all the secrets came out. She learned what I was, and I shared how much I craved her blood.

I took her to the meadow because it was beautiful and restful. But it was also private – just in case my revelations made her change her mind about me. I couldn't allow her to expose our secrets. If she became panicked, I needed her someplace where I could deal with her. I wasn't sure how I would do that, because I just didn't know what she would do.

I expected her to be shocked. I expected her to be afraid of me. Instead she was mesmerized, and even more drawn to me. We spent the day there, and even the simple act of holding hands took on a whole new significance. I realized that I hadn't held hands with a human – not beyond a handshake at least – since I was human myself. The warmth of her touch affected me so much, and I held still just so I wouldn't startle her. It was almost more than my over-loaded senses could take, combined with the smell of her blood, and the look on her lovely face.

It was a day I spent getting used to her. I learned to touch her, and be close to her. I learned the answers to so many of my questions about her. And I learned that she was very afraid of me leaving. In fact I think she was more afraid of me leaving than she was of me hurting her – and that was inconceivable to me.

I also learned that she loved me. The conflicted emotions within me almost made me flee from her at that revelation. I wanted to protect her and possess her. I wanted to know everything about her, but be able to forget about her as well. I wanted to glory in just the touch of her hand, and I wanted to make love to her more than I had ever wanted any woman in my life!

And the more I was with her, the more my life began and ended with Bella. The lion fell in love with the lamb. Nothing I'd done or felt before prepared me for her. Everything with Bella felt new. It was as if I had to see and feel the real thing before I could spot the fake. Our touching was so insignificant, and yet she touched my soul – or at least made me hopeful I still had one. It went beyond emotional and even beyond the physical connections I'd felt with Esme and Rose.

I felt like I was a living reenactment of Michelangelo's "Creation of Man." Not God reaching out to man, but my lost humanity reaching out to give me one more chance to live. With that tiny touch of her hand, Bella forged a connection that made her a part of me. As inconceivable as it sounds, she became all I was missing. She was my love. She was my heartbeat. She was my soul. And she was my reason for living.

I wanted desperately to protect her, even though I was the most dangerous thing in her life. I had a sudden appreciation for Jasper's paradox. I'd never understood that he truly loved those young students he wanted to protect. He loved them even while he was a threat to them. I resolved I wouldn't be a threat to her. I had to become acclimated to her.

In a short time I went from touching her to our first kiss. It was magical! If my senses were overwhelmed with the touch of her hand, her lips were so much more. It was a magnification of everything up to that point. Her breath, her smell, the feel of her blood moving beneath the gossamer covering of her skin, the sound of her rapid heartbeat, her heat, and the taste of the forbidden. It all washed over me like a tidal wave that would take me under. But it was the sight of her so close, and her willingness – her desire – to be near me that forced me to stay calm. I fought to be worthy of her trust.

I discovered the strength of my will. She gave me that strength. Before we left the meadow, I knew I could resist her. I loved her, and I felt confident that I could be with her without killing her.

There was no other choice.

Of course her questions made me wonder what she expected of me. She wanted to know if we could make love, though she was too timid to even ask the question. It shocked me that she even thought about it, though to be honest, my mind had explored the idea long before she brought it up. Remembering some of my exploits with Rose made me certain that I wouldn't be able to take the chance with Bella. She was far too fragile, and I could never allow myself to lose control with her.

Even before I'd decided I wanted to be with her, I knew I could never change her. The reasons behind our changing were either tragic events that would have meant our death, or others of our kind using us. None of us thought of the change as a good thing. All of us but Carlisle were killers. Even as I began to know her and fall in love, I had to prepare to lose her some day.

But that day would be far in the future. I set out to spend as much time with her as possible. I had to follow all the rules of being a high school kid. I met her father and played the respectful suitor. But first she met my family.

It was a hard meeting. They all had such mixed feelings about her: Esme was overjoyed that I'd finally found someone. Carlisle was worried about the risk she posed to us, as well as the danger she was in just being near me. Jasper felt I was being foolish and tempting fate. Alice was very glad to see I'd decided to try to make it work. I could tell she saw even further ahead than she'd indicated to me, and her knowing smile and hidden thoughts bothered me. Emmett was split. On one hand he was happy for me, but on the other, he worried that I'd give in to temptation and ruin it for everyone. He was also worried about the kind of secrets we might share.

And then there was Rose.

No matter how deep I'd buried my memories, her jealousy was hard to ignore. She didn't even try to disguise her dislike of Bella. Her thoughts were irrational and chaotic, and they all came back to jealousy. She was jealous of Bella's beauty and the way I looked at her. She was envious of her innocence, and her mind automatically concluded that we couldn't make love. She also hated that Bella had so much life ahead of her, and that she could have children if she chose.

Just hearing the thought in her head made me feel grief that I could be taking those options away from Bella. It started me thinking about needing to say goodbye to her even sooner than her natural human death. If we couldn't make love or have children, then I would need to leave her in time for her to experience those things without me.

The thought refused to leave me. Even as I opened my life to her, I was imagining how it would feel when she was no longer in it. I tried to absorb everything about her. I wanted to spend every second with her – even when she slept. I experienced a kind of obsession with her that bordered on inappropriate. I was jealous of everyone she spent time with, since I couldn't help but think they were taking her precious limited time away from me.

If not for Alice, I might have gone deeper into my depravity. She not only warned me about my behavior, but she told me I wouldn't lose Bella unless it was my choice. It helped me to relax a little bit. But I don't think even Alice knew how much I loved her. I knew some day her life would end, and on that day, mine would too.

It was my fault her life almost ended early. The nomad coven was just passing through, but she was with me, and I defended her from him. It was a challenge he couldn't let pass. We should have held our ground and protected her together. But I panicked in my desperation to get her out of danger. James the tracker only wanted her because I valued her.

In spite of all our efforts, he took her from me, and I was almost too late to save her. His venomous bite was quickly turning her into one of us. I could have let her complete the change, and she would have been mine forever. But I remembered the bitterness of Rose, concerning all she'd lost in the change. I couldn't stand the idea of Bella holding it against me.

At Carlisle's urging, I had to try to suck the poison out of her. A normal human couldn't have done it, but it's exactly what we're designed to do. It was the one thing I'd fought so hard to resist – her blood. She was so sweet, even the taint of his vile venom wasn't enough to make me stop. I could have drained her easily, and she was too weak to stop me. But Carlisle wasn't weak, and he knew when I should stop. It wasn't his words, but his thoughts that broke through. It took more control than I had, but seeing her wan face, with her brown eyes struggling to stay open, was just the deterrent I needed.

It was so close. I'd almost lost her forever, and it was my fault. I didn't want to leave her side in the hospital, and once she was back home I had a fanatical need to protect her. She of course didn't blame me. And she still didn't care about her own safety. It was torture to feel so connected to her, and love her so much, and know how fragile she was in her humanity.

Considering her casual disregard for her safety it surprised me when she began to fear her own aging. She was so desperate to hold on to our connection, she thought I would lose interest if she got older. It shocked me that she wanted me to change her. I looked at her and I saw perfection. But she looked in the mirror and saw ordinary, aging, and weak. I adored her, and the thought of cursing her to an eternity as a lifeless, soul-less, unchanging monster, was impossible for me to consider.

When she turned eighteen, Alice threw a party for her. My Bella didn't like parties – she didn't like anything that made her the center of attention. Alice was doing all she could to make her feel like she was a part of our family.

What Alice saw in the future, made her want Bella to be with me. I would have stolen those future images from her head, but Alice was good at hiding her thoughts from me. Her mind was a maze of perfect compartments, and her thoughts easily locked into these walled spaces, where I couldn't reach them. Few people could master this technique, and I'm sure Alice did it long before she met me, to keep her visions from driving her mad.

The party was beautiful, and simple. Just our family, and presents my girl didn't want. It was a disaster. The tiniest cut was too much for Jasper. He hadn't hunted, and he was hungry. And there was one thing I'd never told her: She was almost irresistible to me, but she smelled heavenly to others of our kind as well. If she was heroine to me, she was fine wine to the others, and Jasper was still in recovery. He was also keenly aware of my own restraint, constantly telegraphing just how desirable she was. My overreaction nearly caused a bloodbath.

Again she almost died, and once again it would have been my fault. In the days following her birthday, she sensed something was wrong. She begged me not to leave her; she knew me so well. But I'd started to look closely at all the times I'd put her at risk, or almost killed her myself, and it became obvious I was going to cause her death. Up until then she'd beaten the odds, but sooner or later her luck would run out, and she would be dead.

I'd tried to rationalize that I was protecting her from her own clumsiness and her magnetic attraction to trouble. But I'd only saved her twice, and I'd nearly killed her more times than I could count. I was her death sentence.

I might have stayed longer, but in her desperation to hold onto me, she was forcing me to make a choice. She wanted to become like me, and she wanted to make love with me. Both of those things were impossible. She even went to my family and asked them to take her side. Of all of them, only Rose stood against her.

The plan I came up with divided my family. Alice didn't want to do it, and Carlisle and Esme weren't ready to leave. I had to convince them that I would murder her if we stayed.

It was the same thing Rose had done to me, but I didn't give Bella any hope to cling to when I left her. I made her believe I didn't want her. Until that point I had no idea she had such a low regard for herself. She truly believed that I didn't love her, and that more than anything, killed me. We took everything and disappeared. I did my best to erase myself from her life – it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I wanted to stay and watch over her, but I knew I would never leave if I did that. I'd be a phantom haunting her life, and I'd still be able to hurt her.

**a/n: ****For some reason this chapter keeps wanting to post in italics. I changed it back, but unfortunately that gets rid of the parts of the story where I wanted italics - go figure!**


	8. Chapter 8 Alone Again

Chapter 8

Alone Again

We moved to Europe. I went back to the only way I knew how to deal with pain, and I walked holes in every pair of shoes Alice gave me. I wasn't alive, but I wasn't dead either. I was a monument to pain and suffering, but I was also a testament to her life. I would hurt for as long as she lived; and when she died, I would follow her.

It was my hope and agony that she would forget me. I both expected and dreaded that she would move on, and eventually find someone else. She would fall in love with someone and marry and have children. She would live her life and I would be nothing more than a memory. I would be the one who would never forget.

I had just returned from one of my cross country walks. I only stayed long enough to check in with Alice and find out if Bella was alive and well. I was on the way out again when she caught up with me. Rose.

"We need to talk." Her strides easily kept up with mine, even though I didn't want to hear anything she had to say. "You're being ridiculous, you know. Do you think you can just walk all over Europe like some kind of zombie?" I didn't acknowledge that I'd heard her. "Will you stop and listen Edward – I think you owe me at least that much." I stopped and stared at her.

"I don't owe you a damn thing! And I already know what you're going to say."

"Well, you need to hear it anyway. This is the dumbest thing you could have done. I don't care if you wear out every pair of shoes in Europe, it won't change a thing. That girl is back there suffering because of you, and you can't pretend she's going to get over it. I've seen you like this before, remember, and I know you're not going to get over it either. We all know you'll kill yourself when she dies – even Esme can't turn a blind eye to it."

"This doesn't concern you, Rose."

"Yes it does; remember, I wrote this script." She took hold of my arm, and I stared at her in anger. "When I left you... when I ran away. It wasn't because I wanted to leave you; it was because I wanted to find something else. You were good to me, Edward, and I did love you." I knew she was telling me the truth. Now that it no longer mattered, she spoke the words I'd longed to hear all those years ago.

"Your timing is off, Rose." I felt nothing for her.

"So is yours Edward. When I left, I was looking for something I was missing. And that's when I found Emmett. But you've already found her. You've found the one you want, and now you've run away. Its backward. I don't care much for your choice in women, that's true enough. But I don't have to be a mind reader to know she loves you, and you love her too."

"She needs to forget me. She needs to move on and live her life." She rolled her eyes at me.

"She's not going to forget you, and she's not going to move on. You've torn her heart out, and she's not going to pick up the pieces and find someone else."

"You don't know that, Rose. She's young and she's human and her memory will fade."

"You're wrong. Damn it Edward, she's just like you! I remember how god-awful clingy and needy you were back then. You were such a good young man: Smart, talented, funny, handsome, kind, and incredibly sexy. But you didn't see it. You needed someone to show you that you were worth loving. She is exactly like you were back then. When I left, Edward... it almost destroyed you." She looked saddened at the memory.

"I survived. I got over you, Rose."

"No you didn't, not really. Do you think it's an accident that she's so different from me? She's a timid brunette, she's got no confidence, she's meek and loyal, and most important – you can't read her. But you left her exactly the same way I left you. How's it feel to know you caused her more pain than anything else in her life? You never got over it, Edward, so what makes you think she will?"

"She'll live. She'll have her life, and she'll meet someone and get married, and make love..." Just the image of her with someone else tore through me with razor sharp teeth. "... she'll have children and grow old..." I managed to gasp.

"And she'll die, Edward. Is that what you're saving her for?"

"It's what you always wanted." I stared into her eyes. I could tell my words made her feel shame, but I didn't know why. It's all she'd ever talked about; wishing she'd had a family and a life.

"I was wrong." She reached out and touched my face, making me flinch. "I've always wanted what I couldn't have. I don't like that about myself, but it's true. I wanted Royce because he had wealth. I wanted babies because Vera had one. I wanted life because I'd lost it. And I wanted to make you love me, because you said you didn't. And when you loved me, I wanted something else."

She looked uncomfortable. "I've had a lot of bitterness to get over. One thing you were right about all those years ago, is that we never forget. I took out a lot of my rage on you, and you didn't deserve it. I brought Emmett back and would have kept him right under your nose, for no other reason than to torment you. I'm really sorry for how I hurt you."

"You weren't just about rubbing my nose in it. You loved him."

"Yeah." She smiled, and I knew she really did love him more than she could say. "But at the time I still loved you. What Royce did to me, I turned around and did to you. The rejection, pain, humiliation, and degradation – it was all a way I lashed out to hurt someone like I'd been hurt."

I sighed deeply. "This isn't about you Rose. All this is old history, and it doesn't matter."

"You don't think so, but you just treated Bella like Royce treated me." From her head I felt all the pain of his casual dismissal of her as a person, and I saw Bella's agonized brown eyes when I'd left her there in the woods. I lost the strength to stand, and fell to my knees. "She loves you Edward, and you told her she wasn't good enough. You took everything away from her, and you think she'll get over it? You're an idiot! What good is a long life, without love? Haven't you learned that yet?"

I'd forgotten how Rose had the sharpest tongue of us all. She was proving that she could still cut me. "Why are you doing this?" My voice rasped – like it belonged to someone else.

"Because I care about you. We're wasting our time, and you need to go back and fix this. Have you taken a good look at our family recently? We're not settling here – none of us. Have you ever known Esme to rent a house, or Carlisle to be without a hospital position? We're all waiting for you to get past this, so we can go home." I hadn't noticed, I was too absorbed in my own grief. "She loves you, and you love her. What's so hard about that?"

I stood up to her, angrily. "Don't you get it? I'm dangerous to her! I'll kill her if I'm around her – or I'll change her."

"You won't kill her, and so what if you change her. There are worse things... and yes, I know what I said before. Edward, didn't you ever think that if my life was so bad, I could have ended it? At first I really did think about it. But I've seen things in my unnatural lifetime that I would have missed, even if Royce hadn't killed me. I like my life. I love my family too, and that includes you. It includes that twit you fell in love with as well." She shrugged off my angry look.

"She's just like you, Edward. She loves you with all her heart and soul. She may be young, but she's as loyal to you as you'll ever find – more loyal than I ever was. I envy her for so many reasons that she can't help, but mostly because she deserves you. You're good for each other."  
"I'm not good for her... I'm dangerous..."

"Will you shut up! You wouldn't harm a hair on her head – you don't have it in you. And you wouldn't let Jasper or James, or anyone else hurt her either." She tossed her hair in exasperation. "Edward, when I was turned you were the one who kept telling me I wasn't dead, and that I wasn't some kind of walking corpse. You were the one who said we weren't human, and you said we were changed. I got that message. But you never finished your statement, even though you tell yourself all the time. You believe we're not human, because we've been changed – into monsters."

She put her hand on my face, and I shook her off. "We are not monsters. You are not a monster, Edward. You're in love with that girl, and that love runs so deep it defines you. But now you're trying to punish yourself and deny that she could love you as deeply. And you're wrong."

"She'll forget me. She'll get married to someone like Mike Newton, or ...god, maybe even Jacob Black. She's just a girl – she can't possibly love me as much as I love her."

She couldn't really hurt me, but she was my equal, and when she slapped me hard across the face, it stung. "You are such an ass! You listen to me Edward Cullen. Maybe I can't read minds or tell the future; I didn't get any super powers when I was changed. But I am a woman, and even if Bella Swan isn't one of my favorite people, I can appreciate one thing about her – she loves you. I'm not talking puppy love or some shallow infatuation here, Edward. She loves you with every fiber of her being. Though for the life of me I can't understand why, after what you've done to her!"

"All I did was give her her life back." I'd never seen Rose so angry. At least I thought she was angry, until she turned her troubled eyes on me. She was in pain.

"I'm so sorry I did this to you. I never should have blamed you or Carlisle for taking my life away from me. The truth is, my life wasn't all that wonderful, and most of what I missed wasn't even real. Royce didn't love me, and to be honest I didn't love him either. I would have been a dutiful wife, but I didn't have a clue about real love. You were the one who showed me real love, and I didn't recognize it. You kept my secrets, and let me have Emmett, and at the time I thought it was weakness, but it wasn't. It was sacrificial love." She looked at me in contrition.

"You showed me love and kindness, and I repaid you with blame and mistrust. I can't help but feel it's partly my fault that you left her. It's my fault that you've put her humanity and safety onto some kind of pedestal. I don't know how to undo the damage, Edward. But I was wrong to place such a high value on my life and future. What good is life if you can't share it with someone? It's only since my change that I've come to know love, and it's because of the change that I can have it forever."

"That's nice to know Rose. But it took you almost a hundred years to get there. Do you really think that I could change her, and watch her hate me for that long? What if she brought home her own Emmett?" She looked as if I'd slapped her.

"Bella loves you Edward. And no matter how much you want to deny it, she loves you as much as you love her. It took you ten years to get over me; what's it going to take to get over her? Better yet, how long is she going to suffer over you?"

"Stop it! I'm the reason Jasper almost killed her. I'm the one who can't give her what she wants. I'm the reason she had to fight for her life." She didn't understand me, and her thoughts pointed out that it was James and his coven who'd put her in danger.

"Blah blah blah. You finally learned to use your words, but you're still not saying anything that matters. Do you really think she's that shallow?"

"What do you mean?" She kept changing directions on me.

"Do you think Bella is shallow and superficial? Do you think she pretended to love you? Do you think she was faking it?"

"How should I know? I can't read her, Rose. She's a complete mystery to me. I don't have that much experience..."

"That's my point! I'm the only reference you've got, and I let you down." She sighed deeply. "You're making her pay for my sins. You don't believe she loves you enough, because I didn't love you enough. We had a few issues, and I chose to leave rather than face them. I replaced you. I never said I was sorry, Edward. But I am so sorry."

"That was a long time ago – I'm over it." She laughed at my words.

"You're over me, but you've never gotten over what I did to you." She came close and lowered her voice. "How long are you going to make her pay for what I did?"

"It's not about you, Rose." I couldn't believe she could still push my buttons.

"I know. But it is about what I did to you. You've never forgotten. You've used one of Alice's tricks, and locked it all away where you didn't have to look at it. But it never went away. Do you love her, Edward?"

I looked into the eyes of my first love and admitted, "more than I ever thought was possible."

"You love her more than you loved me, right?" She wasn't jealous, and I could see she was concerned.

"You have no idea... yes, I love her more than I ever loved you."

"How long was I gone before I came back – with Emmett?"

"You know exactly how long it was. Your memory is as good as mine. It was six months."

"Were you happy while I was gone? Did you get over me?"

"I... " I'd never really told her about our time apart. She saw the damage well enough when she returned. I looked her in the eye, feeling a strange need give her back a little of the hurt. "I wanted to die – permanently. I wanted to disappear and be nothing. I couldn't function, and if Carlisle hadn't carried me back to the house, I don't know how long I'd have laid in the road where you left me. So no Rose, I wasn't happy, and I didn't get over you. Does it make you feel good to know you can do that to a man?"

"No." Her sorrowful whisper caught my attention. "But Edward, if I'd have come back for you all those years ago, would you have taken me back? I mean if there was no Emmett, and I came back six months after leaving you, would you have wanted me still?"

"It doesn't matter." That door was closed, and I'd never go back.

"Yes it does. I saw it in your eyes, for just a moment. You were glad to see me, and you couldn't take your eyes off of me. You would have welcomed me back, with no questions asked. You would have picked up right were we left off. You still loved me and you would have forgiven me anything."

"Anything but Emmett." I stepped away from her, feeling disgusted by my memories.

"I know." She closed the gap between us, and took my face in her hands. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, Edward. Bella is just like you. She is going to hurt, and suffer, and stop living her life. She's not like me at all. She won't pick up the pieces and find someone else. She won't put this behind her, and she won't buy into the lie that it never happened. I guarantee, if you went back, she would be overjoyed to see you."

I wanted to deny it, but she was right. Bella and I had a connection that worked because we were perfectly matched. I loved her enough to leave her in hopes of saving her life. She loved me enough to put her life at risk. We were the same.

"Even if you're right, I'm still dangerous to her."

"She loves you Edward. And for her, that's what matters most. She would rather die than live without you."

"She's not suicidal – she wouldn't do that." God, I hoped not.

"No. But there's living, and there's existing. What do you think she's doing now? I'll give you a clue, it's exactly what you're doing."

I couldn't stand the thought of her feeling pain like I was feeling. How could I have done that to her? I took hold of Rose. Not because I wanted to be close to her, but because I felt in danger of losing my grip on reality. "I can't do this. She needs to forget me."

"She won't. You know she won't." She held me up, and didn't let me fall. "You need to go back, Edward. I can't stand to see you this way again."

"But nothing has changed... I'm still dangerous. I swear, if I hurt her, it would kill me."

"You're hurting her now. It's killing you now. The only difference between your death now, or whenever she breathes her last, is time. Wouldn't you rather have a short time with someone you love, than forever without them? Isn't it worth the risk?"

"But the risk is all hers. If I go back she could die!"

"She already made that choice. Over and over again she chose to be with you, in spite of the risk. It's one of the things that bothered me about her. But think about it this way; she's dying now, Edward. She's human – she's going to die. The only question is when. Are you going to let her die alone, or will you be there to hold her hand and make her happy while you can?"

"Even if you're right, she wants more from me than I can give her. She wants..." I couldn't say it."

She smiled. "She wants to make love with you." At my stunned look, she laughed softly. "Some mind reader you are. It doesn't take a psychic to see she wants more than kisses and hugs. She has good taste."

"I can't."

"Why not?" She was still laughing. "I know very well your equipment works."

"Don't say that. I can't do that with her... I'll lose control. She's so fragile." She stopped laughing.

"So was I. I know you could do it if you really wanted to... you're very gentle, Edward." The last thing I wanted to think about was being intimate with Rose. I clapped my hands over my ears, but I could still hear her thoughts as she remembered how much she'd enjoyed it.

"Stop it, Rose. How can you even think think about that... doesn't it make you feel like you're cheating on Em? Especially after we've worked so hard to keep the secret."

"I don't feel like it's cheating – it happened before I met him. And he knows." Her casual statement stunned me.

"What? How does he know? Did he figure it out himself... how much did he guess?"

"I told him – all of it. It was on our fiftieth anniversary, while we were on the cruise. He didn't have as much of a problem with it as I'd feared. Didn't you even notice, he'd quit with the virgin jokes?"

"Why didn't you tell me? You should have at least given me a warning so I didn't have to keep lying!"

"Well, it's not as if I want it to be discussed during a family meeting! It's still private. And that's not the point anyway. We were talking about you and Bella, and how you should make love to her."

"Damn Rose, when did I ever give you permission to get up in my business anyway?" I shouted.

"When you made us all move away from home so you could avoid making a real commitment to the love of your life!" She yelled back.

Her words confused me. "I'm not afraid of committing to her. I would marry her if it were possible." Just the thought of her being my wife uncovered another layer of pain at the loss.

"That's not the kind of commitment I'm talking about. I'm talking about being all in, no matter what the cost. It's what Emmett had over you, from the beginning. You're always so conservative, Edward. You're always holding something back. Everything is always so well thought out before you act. It's why you never asked me to marry you."

"I was actually going to, but you said you weren't ready."

"I would have said yes." We stood and stared at each other, before she turned away in embarrassment. "You thought about it too long, and that's part of the reason I left. If you had asked me, I wouldn't have felt like I was your plaything."

"I never thought of you like that." I wished we could stop talking about it all. I wanted it to stay buried in the past.

"I know that now. I don't blame you for how things turned out. I think we've both got the right ones. That's why you need to go back and fix this mess. Time isn't your friend, Edward, and distance isn't going to protect either of you from pain." She reached out and took my hand, and looked me in the eyes. "If you want to make love with her, then I know you can. You're almost as controlled as Carlisle. The worst you could do is..."

"...break her in two."

"No. The worst you could do is change her. Every accident points to that outcome. Everything she wants begins and ends with you, Edward. I've only seen one other person with that kind of devotion – and it's you. There isn't anything she wants that you can't give her."

"What about babies? I mean not now, but some day she's going to want to be a mother. She'll look at her friends and other women who have kids and she'll blame me that she can't – and that's even if I don't accidentally change her."

"Where have you been hiding for the last fifty years? She can have babies without you. I hear they've got catalogs that women can look through to find just the right features they hope their children will have. All it takes is a donor, and she can be a mommy even though no other man touched her. If that doesn't work, there's always adoption. Even human couples sometimes have these issues – and they deal with them."

She was right. But I still couldn't get past the idea that I could kill her. I couldn't get the image out of my head, of me or one of my family members standing over her drained body. Twice I'd tried to save her and hurt her myself. If she died naturally, at least it wouldn't be my fault.

"You're doing it again." I looked at her curiously. "You're over-thinking it. Edward, who do you want her to marry? Who do you want her to make love to? Who do you want to share her life?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "I guarantee, even though she loves you, she'll eventually try to move on. Her father won't let her waste away pining for you. She's beautiful, young, and bright, and she will attract the attention of someone else. How long do you think she'll hold out for your return before she gives in to someone else's attention?"

"Why are you trying so hard to torment me?"

"Because you're being an idiot!" She moved into my personal space, nose to nose with me. Her voice dropped to a seductive whisper. "Imagine her soft lips kissing another man. Think about her pressed against him, chest to chest... and his arms wrapped around her body. You know what he wants to do to her... how long do you think she'll resist? Will she think about you when he's the one kissing her neck and touching her body? How long before she lets him undress her? Who is it, who's going to claim her virginity and make her a woman? If it's not you, Edward, then who will it be?"

"Rose...I'm warning you..."

"He won't be half the man you are, Edward. He won't love her as much as you do. And she won't love him as much as she loves you. And even if she can get to that point, she's never going to fully trust a man again. She's always going to be afraid that he'll break her heart. I know that one for a fact. You wanted to protect her, but you've ruined her for anyone else."

I pushed her away. "Just leave me alone!"

"No Edward. We've all left you alone for far too long. You need to come to your senses before it's too late. Ask Alice what she's not telling you. She's afraid you're too fragile to hear about how Bella's mourning you. She doesn't want to tell you about her risky behavior and the way it seems she's got a death wish. You're wasting precious time, Edward."

"What are you talking about? Alice isn't seeing any visions about her – she would have told me."

"Yeah right. She tells you everything." Her sarcasm irritated me. "Alice is afraid you'd do something stupid if you knew – I mean you've already left the country over a paper cut."

"Why would Alice be keeping secrets from me? I told her to tell me if anything changed with Bella."

"Nothing has changed – that's the whole point. You left her there in the woods and she collapsed and waited to die. She's still waiting to die, she's just being a bit more active in the pursuit. She's also spending a lot more time with Jacob Black. She seems to think he's a friend, and she doesn't see him as the danger you and I both know he is."

"How do you know so much? Alice's visions are never that clear." My mind shied away from the idea of Bella with Jacob Black Not only was the teenager nearly the opposite of me, but he could very likely be just as dangerous to her some day. I couldn't stand the thought that I'd left her to protect her, and she'd fallen into his arms.

"There's this neat little invention, called the telephone. You'd be surprised how much you can find out by talking to the people she knows. But I guess you don't really want to know, do you? Alive, Bella is of no use to you. But dead, she can be the impetus for the final act of your pity party."

"You have no idea what you're talking about, Rose." I felt so angry I thought about hurting her.

"No Edward, I think you're the one who's delusional. Somehow in your mind you've cast yourself as Romeo to her Juliette, and you're just waiting for your cue to fall on your sword. Is that what you think it will take to once and for all prove you're not a monster? You never have felt worthy of happiness, have you? Is that something I did to you, or is it some kind of penance for what you are? Is this whole situation with her just an exercise in self denial? Are you looking for a way to earn points to get into heaven? Is Bella being sacrificed on the altar of your lost humanity?"

"SHUT UP!" I dug my hands into my hair to keep from wrapping them around her throat. "You're such a bitch! I'm so glad you left and I didn't wind up with you!" She looked like I'd slapped her, and she turned and walked a few steps away. How could she make me hate her one moment and feel sorry for her the next? It wasn't true... she just didn't understand how I felt about Bella.

Our love was... glorious, honest, pure, unadulterated and innocent. How could I taint that with danger and risk? How could I even think about foisting my physical desires onto her? How could I ask her to look at the dark and ugly side of what I was? She deserved so much more.

But Rose was also right in that someone else would claim my place. Someone else would kiss her soft lips, and they wouldn't stop there. It would be someone who couldn't possibly love her as much as I did. And it could possibly be the dangerous Jacob Black. Everything I'd sought to save her from, could happen to her even in my absence.

I took a day to think. I agonized over the choices before me, and then I went to talk to Carlisle. I wanted to go back. I wanted to see if I could apologize to her and make things right between us. I wanted to make a real commitment to her, if she'd still have me.

My family was happy with my decision, and we began to make plans for our return. I felt my spirits lift, just at the thought of seeing her again. The day before our return to Forks, Alice 'saw' my nightmare unfold before her eyes. My Bella jumped from a cliff and was lost to the ocean.

Just seeing the horror on her face was too much. I knew as soon as she turned her stricken eyes on me that my life was over. That I could see the painful images in her head, made me wish I could rip the inner eyes from my mind and smash them. Over and over again I watched her leap, her dark hair whipping in the descending wind.

Alice immediately made plans to fly back, and Rose made the call. I had to know for sure if she survived the jump. I begged the god of my childhood to protect her, but then Rose gave me the heart-wrenching news. I was forever too late to protect her. While everyone was still unfocused and confused, I left.

Rose had been right all along – I was planning to end my life as soon as Bella breathed her last. I just didn't think it would come so soon. All the way to Italy I had time to feel the guilt and pain of what I'd done. I'd loved her, and I'd ruined her. I may as well have killed her myself. She had been the last connection to my humanity, and I couldn't fathom an existence without her. If I was forced to be a monster, then I must be destroyed.

It was Alice who saved me. Just as it was Alice who let me believe I could find her, it was Alice who brought her to me with barely a second to spare. I was so overwrought I didn't even believe she was real.

But once again I'd put her at risk. In coming to save me, her existence was noted by the Volturi. When Jane wanted to see if she could hurt her, I had no choice but to protect her and take the torture myself. It was only what I deserved for what I'd put her through. During that meeting, I discovered that Alice had seen a future where Bella was changed. She couldn't lie to Aro, and it had to be at least one version of the future. Before we left, she saw the horrible depravity our kind could sink to when they fed.

All the way back home, via cars and airlines, I held her. Just having her resting in my arms, I knew I would do anything for her. I had a lot of damage to fix, beginning with her belief that I didn't love her. I had so much to make up to her, but I determined I would do whatever I needed to do, for as long as it took. I loved her even more than I was willing to admit to myself. I would always love her, and even though she was fragile as a human, I knew that our love was stronger than anything that could come between us, whether natural or supernatural.

Maybe some day I'll tell her all of the secrets I keep. But that day hasn't come yet. I'll wait for a time when she can comprehend the depths of my love for her, and how little my past feelings and experiences matter. As far as I'm concerned, I've only been in love once, as my love for her eclipses everything else.

**a/n: I hope this redeems or at least explains Rose a little bit. Let me know what you think, since this story isn't going to be read by many. **

**As I finished this up, I kept hearing "Bless the Broken Road" playing in my head**


	9. Chapter 9 Epilogue

Epilogue

The honeymoon was already underway, and I couldn't help but worry. I knew we had every assurance that everything would work out, but the consequences were so high if they didn't. I loved her so much, the thought of her getting hurt was more than I could bear.

As we had made our plans, there were so many times I wanted to call the whole thing off. If I could convince time to just stand still for a while and keep everything exactly the same, I would have paid a dear price for the magic. But the hours had ticked forward, and the most beautiful girl in the world had walked down the aisle and into her forever.

Giving her away was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. My baby girl was going off with him to become her own woman and his wife, and all we could do was kiss her cheek and wish her luck. Ness was such a happy bride, and she was more than ready to be a wife, even though she was only ten years old. It wasn't enough time for me.

I felt like I'd missed so much, with her rapid growth and maturity. I just wished I could rock her to sleep and read her stories again. But she'd spent three years chaffing under our rules, limits, and authority. We wanted her to have a degree before she got married. She'd packed four years of college into two and a half – just so she could be with him sooner.

I was so proud of her – we both were. She had a degree in child psychology and she was planning to use her gift to work with troubled children. Sometimes I wondered what she saw in Jacob, even though he'd finished a degree in mechanical engineering and he already held the patents on two new engine prototypes. I still had a hard time reconciling his genius with his blue collar background. No, it wasn't his upbringing that bothered me. If I was honest with myself, I still held it against him that he'd tried to take Bella away from me. Instead he'd taken our little girl.

They loved each other, still. He'd fallen for her when she was just hours old, and he'd been the object of her first crush – one that never faded. We tried to make her date other boys, but she had absolutely no interest. In frustration, she'd held her palm to my face to show me how sad and dejected she was when she was out on a date I'd arranged for her. I gave up.

She was so much like her mother in her devotion. Of course I remembered that it was my abandonment that gave Jacob a chance with Bella in the first place. It was one of those things we were honest about only to ourselves. We tried not to let Ness know just how serious Jake had been about her mother, nor how close I had been to losing her to him. I don't think even Jake remembers how serious he'd been. He claims to only have loved her as a friend. He tries to convince me that even then he'd somehow known she would be the mother of his true love. His memories are not as clear as mine, and I think he really believes it.

Sometimes it's difficult to keep from remembering that painful time. For the sake of our family, I put it behind me, and smiled at any gathering. But I almost gave him my whole world, and he would have smiled triumphantly as he took it.

Coming back from Italy with Bella clinging to me, made me believe she was mine forever. I was stunned at the magnitude of her forgiveness, and how easily she accepted me back into her good graces. But everyone around her remembered what I'd done to her, and they weren't so quick to forgive. On top of that, the bitch Victoria was trying to exact some kind of twisted revenge by killing her. It seemed sometimes I just couldn't win.

It was a new experience being forced to work with the werewolves in order to protect her. In the time I was gone, she'd formed an attachment to Jacob Black, and it was painful to see it went beyond friendship. It was clear from his thoughts and actions that he loved her, and his change had sped up his maturity so he was no longer just a sixteen year-old boy. He was a man in love with the woman I loved, and I had to trust him to protect her.

The newborn war had been difficult for us all. In some ways it showed us who we could rely on and who would let us down. The werewolves were our friends, and the Denali turned their backs on us. They tried to say it was because the wolves had killed Laurant, but they'd killed him to save Bella. Their reasoning hurt me more than anyone knew. To them she was nothing, but to me she was the only thing that mattered. I had to wonder if Tanya imagined that if Bella died I would want her someday.

Even though the wolves helped us destroy Victoria and her newborn army, they turned against us when Bella became pregnant with my child. They wanted to kill it, and her too, just to protect themselves. Again Jacob Black protected her, or there could have been another war.

She was my wife, but he still didn't give up on her. He understood the concept of "all in" at a younger age than I did. And sadly she clung to his physical presence and their one-sided friendship, even up to her delivery and subsequent conversion.

It was only a month. I'd suffered torment for six months waiting for Rose to return. I'd suffered for ten years learning to let her go. But the month Bella carried my child reminded me of the Hell I'd lived, through Esme's tortured mind – only I was one of the fiends spawned within the fiery pits.

Of course it made me feel like I was a monster to see what my lust had caused. In none of our wildest imaginings could we have foreseen that she could conceive a child with me. I couldn't stand to see what she went through as she fought with everything in her to carry the baby long enough to give it life – even if it took hers. But what hurt the most was that she no longer trusted me.

Jacob had her trust, and even Rose had her trust, but I was left on the outside looking in. She was afraid I would try to put an end to the child within her. I confess, if I could have chosen between her life, and what I'd foisted upon her, I would have ended it long before her final heartbeat. My fear for her life put us in opposite corners. She never had any regard for her own safety, and when she chose her champion, it wasn't me.

It felt like familiar territory. I began to wonder if I was doomed to love women who would turn to others when it really mattered. Watching her cling to him day after day, while his thoughts spoke of his love and his lust, nearly drove me to put an end to him. But how could I do that, when clearly I was the monster – the incubus – deserving of death.

I watched as it stole the very life from her. It twisted her petite frame and even broke her bones. She didn't trust me, and clearly she didn't understand how deeply I loved her. She was everything to me. Anything that put her life and existence at risk was my enemy – even if it was my own child.

There were other ways to keep her warm, and other ways he could have been a friend. But she chose the way which hurt me the most. She said she forgave me for leaving, and she said she loved me more than anything. But I couldn't help but wonder if her choices were some kind of subconscious response to the way I'd abandoned her. Rose had claimed that by leaving I'd insured that she would never trust another man, but clearly it was me she didn't trust. At a time when we should have been clinging to one another, she clung to him. At a time when I should have been the one by her side, she chose Rose.

The birth would always be the most harrowing and joyful time in my entire existence. I'd never wanted children, and by that I mean I'd let go of any and all expectation once I was changed. I was an only child, and I was never around babies and children. Then after watching it behave as a murderous parasite draining her life, I truly had no love or desire for it to be born. If not for the tiny fluttering of it's innocent mind, I would have resisted it all the way to the end.

But when I heard her, everything changed. Once I began to love our baby, my Bella trusted me again. As simple as that, I was back in her good graces. Suddenly Jacob was on the outside, and our family was once again united.

Not that it was any less horrifying to see what was happening to her. I knew it could easily end with her death. As much as I hated it, I planned to change her if it took her life. I couldn't stand the thought of losing her, and I knew I couldn't bite the woman I loved, so I prepared the needle.

I don't think any of us were prepared for how fast it happened. It was pain and chaos, and the most horrible sight I could ever imagine. I stood on the brink of losing everything, and I had to participate in delivering my child. The delivery tore my beautiful Bella apart, and left her bathed in her own blood. I wasn't even tempted by that precious blood, as I watched the life drain out of her in dark red rivers. I heard her heart stop beating, and knew there was only one choice. In order to save her, I had to kill her.

All my noble reasons left me in those moments, and I selfishly turned her into a monster. It was the turning point of my life. It was what Rose had been trying to tell me all along. I needed to be all in, no matter what. Changing Bella did exactly that. I was all hers, and she was all mine. There was no turning back or second guessing.

In the days following her change, I began to realize I had not created a monster. She was the mother of our child, and she was my wife. She had control of her thirst, and she truly behaved as if she was always destined to be one of us. I expected a change in her personality along with the physical change, but she was the same woman I loved, only no longer fragile.

I'd feared her losing her humanity for so long, it came as a shock to see she still had such a grasp of all things human. The only thing the change did was hold a magnifying glass to everything I already knew about her. Clearly she still had a soul. Moreover, if I could concede that she had one, then I knew I too just might be redeemable. Even without her humanity, she rescued me from my belief that I was a monster.

Of course the discovery of our daughter by the Volturi created more problems for us. The Denali once again proved they were unreliable. I came to believe that what set us apart and made us different from all the others of our kind wasn't our diet, but the love we shared as a family.

I'll never forget standing on the precipice of war, knowing I could lose everything. I watched my lovely wife smile and taunt Jane across the field, knowing that she'd already blocked their first attacks. My Bella was the key to our survival that day. She made their powers useless, and she united all of us against them. Whether we won or lost, I knew we would be together forever. On the brink of war and loss, I was strangely at peace. I knew I was exactly where I needed to be; with the only woman I could ever truly love with all my heart and soul.

()()()()

After we waved goodbye and sent them on their way, we were alone. The cabin where we'd raised her was still our refuge, even though she hadn't lived there for over two years. Ness and Jacob would be living in their own home when they returned from their honeymoon. That part of our life was coming to a close. We now had an empty nest.

I watched my love change out of her wedding clothes in the huge closet. Even after our years together, sometimes the love I felt for her just took my breath away. I sat on our bed, still in my tux, with the bow tie untied and the top buttons open. I just stared at her, as she changed into something comfortable.

"What are you looking at?" She checked herself, as if she expected to see something out of place that would make me stare.

"The most beautiful woman in existence."

She returned my stare, in a way that let me know she could just as easily take off the clothes she'd just put on. My wife knew me so well... and yet there was a part of me that she'd never known. Suddenly I had an overwhelming need to share that part with her, before we took one more step into our forever.

"I want... I need to talk to you." I recognized the look of alarm on her face. I could read that face almost as easily as I could read the minds of others. "I have a story I've put off telling you. I've been afraid that you wouldn't love me if you knew." She looked almost panicked. "I mean I used to be afraid... I know better now. But it's something that happened before I met you. At first I kept it secret because I was worried that you would hate me. Then I was afraid if I told you, you'd be hurt that I kept it from you. And now it's almost a part of me." I looked into her trusting eyes as she took a seat beside me.

"I don't want anything between us. I can't hold on to the secrets anymore, no matter what I promised. I made a promise to you which is more important. Just listening to their vows today made me realize I've been keeping the wrong promise. I know you love me enough to get me through this. I just want you to know, I never meant to keep it from you, and I certainly don't want to hurt you."

Without a word, she put her arms around me, and tucked her head under my chin.

"I need you to hold me like this... and let me inside your shield so I can answer all of your questions." I felt the barrier between us stretch until I was inside. She was scared, and trying so hard to be brave. She worried that I was leaving, and I rushed to reassure her that I would never leave. Then I stared from the beginning, and told her everything.

She was quiet during the telling, but her mind was a riot. She actually laughed about my crush on Esme, and she was horrified that Carlisle would have attacked me if not for her. As I told her about Rose, she stilled. She'd heard so little of her change, and I knew everything I told her was new. I felt her shock when I told her of our first kiss, and her mind flew down the path ahead of me, immediately guessing that we'd been lovers.

Her shield snapped back in place, but she didn't let go of me. "I can't... I don't want to hear those details." She looked up at me with her sad eyes. "You're mine. You two were lovers... I get that. I think I've always known on some level. It just never made sense to me that you never even tried. She's so beautiful, and you were alone with her. But I can't hear the details – not yet anyway. Is that alright?"

I crushed her against me. It amazed me that she was more worried about what I needed rather than her own concerns. "I love you more than any thing or any one in this world. You're the love of my life, and what I felt for her can never compare."

"What happened? I mean not the part about you being lovers... what happened to change it?" I told her about living with Carlisle and Esme, and being secretive. I told her about what made her leave, and all of her accusations about how unequal we were. And I told her how broken I was when she left. She held me tight through it all.

When I told her about her return with Emmett, she gasped in horror. "It's just like when you left me. My god, it would have killed me if you found someone else and brought them back."

"I almost killed him. I'm the one who bit him, not Carlisle." She stared at me in shock.

"I should have guessed that this family would have some serious skeletons in their closet." She actually smiled at that. She was amazing.

"After I changed him, I couldn't stay. I still loved her, but she'd changed her mind. I said goodbye, and left them. I never thought I'd return, and for ten years I was on my own." I told her all the details of where I'd gone and what I'd done. She hung on my every word, up to the point where Emmett had tracked me down.

"You mean Emmett was once that innocent? That's really hard to believe." We both smiled at the thought. "Did it really take you ten years to get over her?" The question caught me off guard.

I stared at the woman I loved, and knew I'd never get over it if I lost her. "I used to think so. But now I think it took ten years for me to get over being the man she left. She broke my heart, no doubt, but I think I was really over her the day I made the promise to keep her secrets. I could never take her back after that."

I looked at her and smiled. We'd come so far together, and I was no longer the man I was back when Rose had the power to shred me emotionally. I kissed her, and she didn't hold back. She was right, I was hers.

"Bella, I didn't like myself back then. I had such a low opinion of who I was, I thought her leaving was inevitable. It didn't come as a surprise that she'd found someone better than me. The hardest part was that she wanted me to keep our past a secret. It reinforced my low opinion of myself. I felt like she was ashamed of me. I felt like I wasn't good enough for her."

"You were too good for her..." she tried to reassure me, but she was wrong.

"No. I wasn't too good... I was wrong for her, that's true. But... I was a boy then, and she needed a man. I didn't know how to relate to people, including her – especially her. I lived so much inside my head, I didn't know how to really talk to people or share myself. I was always afraid that if they knew the real me, they would find me dull and uninteresting. I needed company and approval, and lots of minds around me to drown out my own inadequate thoughts.

"When I left, I had to leave behind all the comfort and security I'd known. I was alone with myself. As much as I hated it, I needed it. I had a lot to learn, both about people and about myself. It took me ten years to finish growing up. I was so different, that when Emmett came to find me, I felt like he was intruding on my solitude. I'd never liked being alone before I left."

"Was it good between you?" She'd switched subjects on me. "I mean were you good in bed?" I could tell it was hard for her to ask.

I wouldn't lie or hide it. "We didn't use a bed at first. I took her on the ground."

"Oh." Her voice squeaked.

"She was so fragile. I mean she was brutally beaten and raped before the change, she couldn't tolerate anything that reminded her of it."

"Did you like it?" I wished she'd let me back inside her shield, but I knew she needed to get through it in her own way.

"Bella, I was a teenage boy, and she was a dream come true. Of course I liked it. I think the sex is the reason I fell in love with her" She gasped and stared at me. It was the first time I'd mentioned love as it related to Rose. "I loved her, Bella." I held my wife, and realized that what I felt for her and how I'd felt for Rose, were worlds apart. "I loved her as much as I was capable at the time; as much as an insecure, inexperienced boy could love. But what I felt for her, is nothing compared to what I feel for you."

"Would you still be with her, if she hadn't left you?" Her question tore open my wounds..

"Yes." I hated admitting it to her. "I was so empty, and needy and clingy... I wouldn't have left her. We would have suffocated each other, and I never would have become the man I wanted to be. I would have turned into her puppet, and tried to be everything she wanted. And what she wanted changed all the time."

"Well... Emmett would never be like that, for sure." She smiled weakly. "I guess I should thank her for leaving you."

"I want you to know, you didn't get her leftovers. I waited a long time for you. I wasn't willing to get involved with anyone, unless she was going to be mine forever. Rose burned me, but I learned some valuable lessons from it. I learned who I really was, and what I really wanted. And when a shy brunette with big brown eyes looked my way, I was ready to experience real and lasting love."

"Did you ever... you know... get together for old times sake?"

"God no! We are so finished, there's just no way we could ever... the very thought disgusts me."

"But she's still beautiful, and you said it was good between you..."

"I love you Bella. Rosalie is nothing more than a sister to me now. I was only with her for two months, and we've been together for ten years. There's no way I could ever think of her like that."

"Even when you left me?" Her voice was so tiny, and yet it hit me with the power of a sledge hammer. Clearly I wasn't the only one who'd been burned by someone I loved and trusted.

I couldn't pull her any closer, so I gathered her up on my lap and held her tight. "Leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. There are no words to tell you how sorry I am. I thought you would forget me and go on and live a normal human life. I didn't believe you could possibly love me as much as I loved you. I wanted to protect you from everything I was, because to me you were perfect, and there was still a part of me that believed I wasn't worthy of being loved by you."

"I thought I wasn't good enough..."

I gasped at the pain her words caused me, even after all these years. "Bella... you've always been too good for me. I was miserable without you. I was dead inside, and it took Rosalie to show me how stupid I was behaving."

"What do you mean? I thought it was Alice's vision..."

"We were already planning to come back when she saw you jump. A few days before, Rose convinced me that I was being... an ass. She argued that we should be together, no matter what, and that I wasn't saving you, but hurting you by leaving. She pointed out that I'd done to you, what she'd done to me. She knew that I'd mourn you for the rest of my life, and she believed you would do the same concerning me. I decided I had to come back, and I was going to beg you to forgive me, and do whatever it took to make things right."

"You were going to come back, even if you thought I was alive and well? Why didn't you ever tell me? I always thought I practically had to commit suicide for you to notice me!"

"Once you accepted me back, I was afraid to tell you how much you owned me. You still wanted so many things I didn't know how to give. You wanted to make love, and you wanted me to change you. I would have given you anything you asked if it meant I wouldn't lose you again.

"But I was terrified of hurting you. I was still dangerous to you, and you wanted everything immediately. I wanted to give you time. I wanted to make sure you were absolutely certain of your choices. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't turn resentful like Rosalie. I couldn't take it if you hated me."

"I could never hate you, Edward."

"I know that now. It took a long time for me to realize that love doesn't turn on you, if it's the real thing." I leaned away to look at her face. "I love you more than I ever thought was possible. You are my life, my heart, and my soul. Can you forgive me for keeping secrets?"

She kissed me softly. "There's nothing to forgive. It might mess with my mind if I think about the two of you together... but it was over a hundred years ago. I wasn't even born then. At the time it would have made sense to tell me, I was so insecure, it would have scared me. I was jealous of her beauty the first time I set eyes on her. If I'd known she was once your lover, I would have had a real hard time with it."

"What about now?"

She giggled. "Maybe we could compare notes." I groaned. "Just kidding. Really, this doesn't change a thing. We're all still family. Does Emmett know?"

"He knows, and so does Carlisle. I think Esme knows, but she doesn't really want to know. Alice and Jasper may have figured it out."

"Should I be upset that I'm the last to know?"

"They were all around at the time. It'll be good to stop keeping the secrets. I don't want there to be anything between us."

She was quiet for a while. "It's going to take a while getting used to the idea that I'm not your first love."

"Bella, you're not my first love, you're my only love. Compared to what I had with Rose, Esme was just a mild crush. Compared to what I have with you, Rose is just... a blip."

"But you were intimate with her. She broke your heart and you mourned her. That's not a blip!"

"I know all that. What I'm trying to say, is that you are so much more than all that. It's like I fell in love with Esme with my mind. I never said or did a thing to express those feelings. Then there was Rose, and I fell in love physically. But she'll tell you that we didn't connect much beyond that, and it's what tore us apart. I loved them both in those narrow ways, and I grieved when I lost them." She was listening, but I couldn't tell how she was taking it.

"Bella, you are so far beyond any of my previous experiences. I love you for all I know about you with my mind, and I love you physically to the point I hunger for you even now that your blood isn't an issue, and I love you emotionally, and I love you spiritually, as you hold my soul. Without the love we share, I would be nothing – you're a part of me. There's no greater proof of that than the life we created together. You are my first love. You are my last love. And you are my only love. I may have kept secrets, but I never lied to you."

She got up off my lap, and I was momentarily afraid it was so she could get away from me. She took my hand with a shy smile, and lead me from our bedroom, into the main room of the cabin. I was surprised to see it wasn't still dark outside. We'd been up talking all through the night. The sun was just coming up on a bright June day.

She opened the door, and lead me out onto the front step. "Bella, where are we going? Please tell me you're not about to confront her, are you?"

She looked surprised that I'd suggest something like that. "No. I want to go to our meadow."

I went along with her a ways, as our fingers were laced together. "Why?"

She smiled over her shoulder at me. "I think you know why." I sifted through our long conversation for a clue, and then it hit me. I'd made love to Rose on the ground.

"Bella... you don't have anything to prove to me. We don't have to do this..."

"I want to." She let go of my hand suddenly, and ran. Of course I chased her. We both knew the way, and I could have easily caught her, but the sound of her laughter kept me from overtaking her. When we were close, I almost stumbled over her discarded T-shirt. I followed a trail of shed clothing, and as I entered the clearing, I saw a perfect vision of a wood nymph. She glittered in a shaft of early morning sunlight, which bathed her white skin in it's yellow glow. She took my breath away, as she turned to look my way.

Step by step, I approached her, shedding my own clothes as I drew near. When we both stood in the light, we were shamelessly naked, and I was so aroused I wanted to pounce on her immediately. But instead I stared into her eyes. I waited for her, and when she put her hand on my chest, I gasped.

"I love you, Edward Cullen. Nothing is ever going to change that." She smiled mischievously. "But now that we no longer have to be respectable parents, I am going to do some very wicked things with you." With that, she put her arms around my neck and lifted herself up and wrapped her legs around me. I felt her wetness briefly rub against me, before she impaled herself on me with a guttural cry that inflamed my desire.

Our strength made what we did effortless, and I loved the feeling of having her wrapped around me as I possessed her. The way she moved drove me crazy, and even with perfect strength and stamina, she was making my knees weak I dropped first to my knees, then laid her back on the tall grasses.

Suddenly I had freedom to move with her, and not just hold her. I possessed her body, as I stared down at her vulnerable face. She didn't have to prove anything to me, but I could tell she was thinking about me and Rose together on the ground. I kissed her, capturing her lips with mine, as I held her so tight our bodies were one, all but our limbs. My slow, measured hip movements rubbed against her most sensitive spot, and I could feel her pleasure, simmering to a slow boil that would erupt in her passionate release.

In our years together I'd learned her body as well as I knew my own, and I knew exactly what I was doing to her. I released her mouth and smiled at her, remembering just how much I loved her. She was exquisite, even with grass in her tousled hair. I could feel the morning dew on her skin and my legs, and her hands moved over the back of me.

"I'm glad you wanted to come here. This is where I fell in love with you. Just holding your hand was more than I dreamed of, and our first kiss made me yours forever."

I moved within her, pulling away just enough to give us both a little more friction. She gasped as my body demanded her attention. "You're mine, darling. There's no one else in this whole world for me but you. If I was ever foolish enough to believe differently, it was only because I lived in a world without you in it.

I could see she was overwhelmed, but whether it was from my words or our lovemaking, I wasn't sure.

"Don't stop, Edward... oh please!" She wrapped her legs around me, and stretched her shield to include me. I could suddenly feel her pleasure, like sparks leaping from her mind to mine. It was too much, and suddenly I was immersed in sensations that demanded more from me than I normally gave her. With no limits or restraint I took her with a frenzied passion that made her scream. My movements pushed her along the dewy grass, as I sought to get even closer to her – even more within her.

The sounds we made were more like animals; panting, grunting, growling, gasping, and the cries of overwhelming pleasure. We rode the crest of our mutual release, and we both gave voice to our satisfied lust. But her thoughts were of love. She loved me so deeply, and her desire was to purge any and all memories of other women from me forever. She knew without a doubt that when I thought of making love on the ground, I'd remember this moment.

I didn't keep quiet. I never wanted there to be a question of how I felt for her. "I love you, Bella... I love you... love you...you and only you. Always and forever." Our bodies recovered from their climax, with both of us enjoying the little spasms and pulses. I smiled down at her and heard her mental bliss wash through me.

When I finally pulled away, we rested on the grass, side by side. We stared up at the sky, and she reached out to hold my hand. I'd had ten years to get used to that touch, but it was no less wondrous than the first time. It meant I would never be alone. I looked over at her to see she was staring at me. I didn't need to read her mind. I knew her. Her look spoke of trust, honesty, commitment, contentment, fulfillment, and belonging.

She loved me unconditionally – the same way I loved her.

**A/N: I really enjoyed throwing a cold bucket of reality into this story. Truly I don't expect to please everyone, and I'm a little wary of trying. My old author's notes apologized for this pairing, but I'm actually really proud of this story. **

**I'm not going to apologize for having a vulnerable young man fall for a beautiful and damaged young woman. I'm not even going to apologize for his keeping it all a secret and in a sense, lying to his "true love" about her being his first love. **

**You see, this is rated M, and it's not just for sex. I expect a mature reader to be able to discern the difference between fantasy and reality. Twilight is fantasy. This story is to Twilight what Wicked is to Wizard of Oz - we're not in Kansas anymore. **

**In reality, a seventeen year old boy will take sex with a beautiful blond woman when it's freely offered. Unless as my son claims, Edward is gay. The secrets he keeps from Bella are just one more way he tries to protect her**. **He knows what such knowledge would do to her insecure little self. If I did a disservice to any character, it was Esme. I really don't see her as being that clueless, but all we see of her in the books is her mothering.**

**So, did I help you put aside preconceived notions about acceptable pairings? **


End file.
